The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

A Weekend in Prague

Me: “I don’t know. It sounds kind of gay, two guys going to Prague for the weekend. Isn’t it known for being romantic?”

Tom: “Well no one else can make it. And as for the romance; you don’t know shit. 50p pints, fit women and if that’s still not enough, there’s supposed to be an amazing strip club there called Goldfingers. I hear touching is perfectly acceptable too.”

Me: “Say no more. I’m in.”

For those of you that have been following my stories, this was the same Tom from Nottingham.

Though to be honest, I was quite surprised he had asked me as he was so straight-laced and he’d also just recently started seeing someone. But what did I care; I was drowning at the IHOP and could do with the break. And in case you missed it earlier:

touching was perfectly acceptable!

Thankfully Goldfingers didn’t disappoint. The girls were hotter than their peers in Spearmint Rhino and had the same work ethic as those from Parkers.

The pricing was slightly less impressive however (£20 per dance) given we were still living off our student loans. But at least Tom understood that you were better off seeing 10 different pairs of tits for £200 than the same pair repeatedly.

I on the other hand, had learnt nothing from my Rhinos experience the previous year and still believed that the first girl to approach me was probably in love with me and that by the end of the night we’d be a couple.

Actual footage (ok maybe not)

Actual footage (ok maybe not)

As I sat there letting my future bride Petra knead my cock with her leg for the fifth song in succession, I noticed that each time Tom discovered a girl, he’d also discover a new drink. We’d had a few before the club so I should’ve gone over to check on him but Petra and I were really ‘connecting’ at that stage.

By song eight I had confessed my love and told her I would return one day after finishing university. Somewhat of a recurring theme over the years. Strangely, she didn’t appear to reciprocate my feelings. Though this may have had something to do with my money running out?

Eager to avoid being laughed at by Petra and her friends I went off in search of Tom so we could leave post-haste. I should’ve checked on him when I had the chance as he had been thrown out some 15 minutes prior for being too drunk.

Finding him was easy enough but trying to convince him that he was bolloxed and didn’t require more naked flesh was another matter.

The next ‘strip club’ was actually a brothel, which I of course had no qualms with. However Tom was uncomfortable entering given his new relationship. I was rather impressed that he was able to remember her name in his state but reassured him that it was perfectly fine for him to sit at the bar whilst I attended to my evidently inadequate balls.

Two girls came over straight away and started a conversation in broken English. Which, to be fair, was still more decipherable than Tom’s gibberish.

I waited hardly any time before signalling to the more attractive one that we should go, leaving the other two behind.

When I returned they were missing and I genuinely felt rotten that I had played a part in him cheating on his girlfriend. Though perhaps he wasn’t as straight-laced as I thought.

As I sat there contemplating how much blame could be attributed to me, Tom’s girl came storming out of the room holding a towel to her face. She turned and glared at me before shouting, “Your friend, in there.” And she motioned towards the door she had just exited from.

Huh? Am I supposed to get him? And more importantly, what’s the deal with the towel?

I looked over at her again and noticed that her hair was wet in places. Ah yes, the customary post-nailing shower. Shiiit… So they did end up screwing. Though that still doesn’t explain why she’s so mad?

She gestured that I go to retrieve him. At which point I was slightly confused. And a little scared.

I burst into laughter upon opening the door and immediately understood why she was pissed. For there, lying on the bed, half conscious and semi-naked with his now flaccid cock only partially covered by his boxers, was Tom.

You may have missed it on first glance but there was also a trail of vomit running down his arm and onto the floor.

It seems that at the exact moment she started to remove his boxers – presumably to suck him off – he’d sat up in bed and chundered on her. Probably not how anyone envisaged it, especially the hooker.

But at least he hadn’t cheated.

Due to some glitch with the hotel’s reservation system, we had been checked in as a couple. So that night the two of us were sharing a bed.

I thought nothing of it initially but given everything that had happened earlier that night, I should’ve been expecting the 5am ‘wake-up call’ of Tom aggressively ‘sleep-wanking’ next to me.

Still, it could’ve been worse I guess.

That's not two pillows!

Those aren’t two pillows!

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

49 comments on “A Weekend in Prague

  1. emma
    20th July 13

    Something about you reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine! Haha. Nevertheless, funny post I enjoyed it. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      21st July 13

      Thank you kindly Emma. However I am now intrigued as to what traits I share with your ex…

      Could it be the total lack of game? The soft spot for strippers/hookers? Or is he also just one massive disappointment to his family?

      Do tell.

      Like

      • emma
        21st July 13

        The soft spot for strippers/hookers is a key one. But your humour also seems to match his (as in, I could totally see him writing this entry :D) He was a crazy guy. I will go all metaphorical and compare him to a sloppy joe – messy and wrong for me in every way, but still appealing. :)

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          22nd July 13

          Sloppy joe; I like that comparison. Sounds like a great guy.

          By the way, I’m guessing the similarities between the two of us mean I wouldn’t have a shot with you then right..?

          Like

          • emma
            22nd July 13

            Perhaps. :) You know…before the whole thing blows over.

            Like

  2. lazylauramaisey
    22nd July 13

    Loved this post! Such raw honesty (by this I mean, you wrote about tits and cocks and I found it funny).

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd July 13

      Thank you so much.

      Tits and cocks are the best things ever though. So my task was made slightly easier.

      Like

      • lazylauramaisey
        23rd July 13

        True. Maybe if you made land law and mathematical equations interesting, that would be more of a challenge…. Give it a go, I dare you.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          24th July 13

          I’ve been trying to pen something but it’s just too hard… Think I’ll just stick to the good stuff.

          Like

          • lazylauramaisey
            26th July 13

            Good thinking. Don’t exert yourself on the intellectual stuff. That’s what textbooks are for. Blogging is for tits and bums.

            Like

  3. TIA
    6th February 14

    It seems to me that this should have been a moment for you to shine….a moment where your friend looked the fool, instead of yourself!! Well done sir…well done!!:)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th February 14

      I know, right? For once I wasn’t the butt of the joke. The ‘sleep-wank’ really scared the shit out of me though Tia… It was like I was sleeping on a vibrating bed.

      Like

  4. Christopher S. Malone
    6th February 14

    I’m beginning to forget how I stumbled upon your blog, but that doesn’t matter. I’m glad that I had. Your writings and stories stand out, man. Keep up the honesty, because that makes a great writer/storyteller, and finding that life is humorous for the majority of the time.

    Cheers!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th February 14

      I’m glad that you did too man. And thank you the kind words; I really appreciate it.

      You and your buddy Cliff do a sterling impersonation of Enrique Iglesias and Wolverine by the way!

      Like

      • Christopher S. Malone
        6th February 14

        Haha. Thanks, man. The Enrique was a last-minute and what-clothing-is-hanging-around-the-dormitory costume. It was a hit.

        Like

  5. claudsramblings
    6th February 14

    Brilliant, this has really given me a giggle! You write very well, I hope Petra comes to her senses ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th February 14

      Thank you kindly. And I’m glad it made you smile. Hopefully the others stories will too.

      I know… Petra, what a heartbreaker, right? I really thought she was ‘the one’ too.

      Like

      • claudsramblings
        6th February 14

        I know far too many men who have spent their life savings falling in love with strippers…

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          6th February 14

          I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve put through university… Ha. Okay, I’m really not that bad at all.

          But yes, unfortunately when our dicks take over there is no hope for our bank balances!

          Like

  6. skinnyuz2b
    6th February 14

    SS, my Siamese puked on my head while I was sleeping once, so I can identify with that poor girl and her wet hair. Actually not, my cat probably didn’t have one tenth the volume that your friend did. On the other hand, I bet your friend didn’t have partially digest mouse come out.
    Your posts are extremely entertaining.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th February 14

      Ha. Yes, there definitely weren’t any mice on the menu at Goldfingers that night. But it sounds like you can relate.

      And thanks, I’m so glad that you’re still continuing to enjoy them.

      Like

  7. nancytex2013
    6th February 14

    “Those aren’t pillows!!” is one of the best lines in the history of good lines. :-)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th February 14

      I know, right? That is still one of my favourite comedies of all time. Candy at his best. RIP.

      Like

  8. Sharn
    6th February 14

    Sleep wanking? Hahahaha you poor sod. You should have just pretended it was one of those massage beds. Yeah, ok. Maybe not.

    But at least it wasn’t you!

    Ps. I approve of tits and ass. Some of my favourite things.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th February 14

      Indeed. At least it wasn’t me… For a change!

      PS – Mine too.

      Like

  9. girlseule
    7th February 14

    Oh god this is hilarious. That poor girl getting spewed on! What a weekend hey!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th February 14

      I know. I felt terrible for her. But lying next to a dude whilst he’s jerking off is pretty bad too man.

      By the way, I read your latest post. Two guys… Nice touch Evie.

      Like

      • girlseule
        7th February 14

        Why thank you, it’s not always easy being a hussy, but I give it my best shot!

        Like

  10. honeydidyouseethat?
    7th February 14

    Nice share. :) Tom’s mom would be proud. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th February 14

      Thanks Shelley. And yes, his mother should be proud. I mean, puking on someone like that is quite the party trick… Poor girl…

      Like

  11. bevchen
    7th February 14

    Sleep wanking?? I had no idea that was even a thing!

    I thought Prague was more famous for stag dos than romance?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th February 14

      Ha. So did I.

      And regarding the ‘sleep wank’, I never would’ve thought it possible until I saw it with my own eyes. He honestly had no idea he was doing it!

      Like

  12. vixenincognola
    8th February 14

    This is hysterical, Jim (a friend) loves strippers and always always “falls in love” with one each time we’d go. He also went to Prague a few years ago and couldn’t stop talking about the strippers being “10s”.
    Sooo funny. I read this through “his voice” haha.
    Thanks :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th February 14

      I’d like to meet Jim. I think we’d have a lot of fun together.

      And of course, at the end of the night we can both cry about how ‘we thought for sure that she was the one,’ whilst burying our faces in a kebab and chips (or the American equivalent of late night, drunken, comfort food).

      Don’t think I didn’t notice the “each time WE’d go” by the way. Very hot.

      Like

      • vixenincognola
        8th February 14

        Absolutely! You two would have a blast! An absolute blast.

        And the “We’d” your attention to detail is quite good and you know what they say about that…

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          10th February 14

          No Vixen, I don’t think I do. Please enlighten me…

          Like

          • vixenincognola
            10th February 14

            Someone who pays attention to the details is usually a good lover.
            You know when you kiss her neck and notice her breathing change or her moan, you detailers usually make note of that and repeat it when necessary.

            Lopez is that kind of lover, he notices the way my body reacts to everything then uses it against me later. Yum

            Like

  13. The Indecisive Eejit
    12th February 14

    So which took precedence when he sobered up, the cheating or the chundering lol

    Like

  14. tisfortea
    19th February 14

    Hilarious post – you are a great storyteller!

    P.S. Petra is a fantastic name, I adore her based on name alone so she must be top of the range when it comes to giving a lapdance

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      19th February 14

      Thank you kindly. I’m glad you enjoyed this one. Especially as, for once, it’s not me that ends up being totally embarrassed. Aside from Petra stealing most of my money and then laughing at me with her friends…

      Oh, she definitely graduated top of her class at strip school I’m sure.

      Like

  15. amandalyle1986
    14th March 14

    Poor Tom! …..very funny though. I love the part when you declare your love for the stripper you had just met – cringe! & that’s another reason why I don’t drink! Some of your stories are pure gold, and make great bedtime reading! well, perhaps not, but you do make me laugh! Will definitely be reading more!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th March 14

      Yes, definitely not one of Tom’s finest moments… and I’m not even referring to the puking!

      Ha. I’ve forgotten how many strippers I’ve promised a better life to now. I’m such a dick.

      Bedtime reading, anytime reading; so long as you’re reading I’m happy. Goodnight.

      Like

  16. 10eveningflowers
    2nd June 14

    You are mad!! I put a confirmation stamp on it!!! :) !! BUT Definitely a type everyone wants ;) trust me!!

    Like

  17. 10eveningflowers
    2nd June 14

    Question 2 – DO i win a date ??? ;) LOL

    Like

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This entry was posted on 6th February 14 by in Boys will be Boys and tagged , , , , , , .
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