The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

Negotiating with Hookers – The Second Golden Rule

# 2 – Always heed caution if the one hour price (or pro rata equivalent) is less than £100.

If they are willing to service you for less, they must be desperate; which means they are amenable to sleeping with all sorts and have possibly contracted all sorts at some stage. Placing your Johnson in unnecessary danger.

Nottingham (summer 2004)

After hearing that Nottingham University had the highest ratio of girls to boys in the country, T-Money, myself and a few others decided to pay our friend Tom – who was studying there at the time – a visit.

Now although the ratio suggested that the odds were stacked in our favour, there was no adjustment for lack of game.

So after a third successive night of no action, I found myself wondering along Forest Road (a shady area fabled for its street hookers) with Tom’s friend, Ed.

Having walked up and down the road to no avail, we were just about to leave when a cab pulled up a few feet in front of us and out stepped a lady dressed in a cheap looking white suit. She walked in front of us for a few minutes without making eye contact.

Ed: “Dude, do you think she’s a brass?”

Me: “Shut up Ed. She can bloody hear you” I snapped back, worried that we may offend her.

Ed: “Well I think she is and I’m gonna find out.” At which point Ed walked ahead to catch up with her… “Excuse me, do you have the time?”

Lady in cheap white suit/potential brass: “Yeah, it’s just gone one”…  Long, excruciating pause… “Are you boys looking for some action by any chance?”

Ed: “I knew it! See Smithson, I told you she was a brass.”

Nice Ed. Way to build up the girl’s self-esteem.

Confirmed brass: “So I take it that’s a yes then?” After commencing the bidding at £10 for head, they eventually settled on £30.

For everything!

Now even if you’ve never done this sort of stuff before, you’ve got to know that that just doesn’t sound right. I suggested to Ed that we just go home (by that stage, I’d decided jerking off was a better option) but he was having none of it.

keep-calm-and-jerk-off-59

So following an awkward session down a nearby alley, which included her answering her phone to another ‘client’ mid blowjob and Ed explaining to her (mid fucking I might add) that my ‘homosexuality’ was the reason I wasn’t keen to partake, we jumped in a cab back home.

It was whilst fumbling around trying to find his keys that Ed noticed both his hands were stained in blood.

Ed: “Urrgh! What the fuck is this?” he screamed at me, waving his palms in front of my face.

Me: “I don’t fucking know dude but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t fling those things in my direction” I wailed back, edging closer to my door and seriously contemplating jumping out of the moving cab just to ensure he didn’t touch me.

444587129_86466d7ca0_z

After a few seconds of staring at one another in disbelief, he finally composed himself and drew his hands in to take a closer look.

Me: “Maybe she was on her period?” I said, still hugging the back door. “You did wear a condom right?”

Ed: “Yeah of course.”

Me: “Ok let’s just calm down then. Tom must keep some bleach or something downstairs. When we get in, douse your hands, and probably your cock, in that stuff before having a shower. There’s probably a clinic near the uni where you can get yourself checked out in the morning.” And we both got out of the cab and didn’t speak about the incident again.

I saw Ed randomly a couple of years later on the tube and am very pleased to report that he didn’t catch anything that night. But the moral of the story; if a girl is only going to charge you something in the low double figures.

Please. Get the fuck out of there!

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

82 comments on “Negotiating with Hookers – The Second Golden Rule

  1. Anonymous
    23rd May 13

    Haha :D

    Like

  2. Marie
    22nd July 13

    Really interesting story. Curious about the blood, we never do find out where it came from do we?

    Like

    • savioni
      22nd July 13

      I am curious why you are curious.

      Like

      • Marie
        22nd July 13

        Because it is intriguing. You mention the bloody hands, they freak out, and then… you leave us hanging. ;) If you read this, wouldn’t you want to know? But it’s good though, I am wanting to know more of your story. It left me hungry. A writer should want that.

        Like

  3. savioni
    22nd July 13

    Dear Sean,

    The topic, “Negotiating with Hookers” gave a yank. I like the non-chalance of providing Golden Rules, as in love thy neighbor as thyself. The line at the end of that section: “Placing your Johnson…” is dreamy. The “Cheap looking white suit” gave other images, like bleached blond, track-marked arms, and way too thin. I loved the question mark after ““Dude, do you think she’s a brass?” And how she might have heard. She stood there for a few minutes at the outset getting a sense of you. The joke of her overhearing and it offending her was splendid. The blood is a good indication that she was on her period, otherwise, I don’t think she could have gone on and performed. The request that Ed not wave his hands was cute. Again, Get the F- out of there is another endearing personality trait of yours. I saw frat boys venturing out to party. Good writing old man.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd July 13

      Dude, I think this is the best review I’ve had of anything I’ve ever done in my life! Thanks a lot man. Glad you enjoyed it.

      For more tips of how not to have sex with hookers. Or just girls in general, stay tuned.

      Like

      • savioni
        23rd July 13

        I am flattered I was able to even write a “review,” I never knew what that was until you said it. I did enjoy your story very much. There’s something brief and flippant about your writing and yet intellectual; it holds one by the ear. Brief is good in this day and age.

        Like

  4. Sayuri
    28th July 13

    I never actually laugh when reading but I really laughed aloud. P.S. Thanks for liking Scriptures for Strippers.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th July 13

      I don’t believe that you NEVER laugh when reading. But if that is in fact the case, then I’m very pleased you chose to pop your ‘laughter’ cherry with me.

      Like

  5. thewanderingangel
    29th July 13

    Hahahaha once again you’ve managed to floor me with your candid humour. I LOVE the way you write. You’ll be pleased to know the ratio of girls to boys is still more or less 2:1. I should know as I’m a current student there. However I’m not surprised you didn’t get much action, we like to keep it ‘classy’ or at least very well hidden. I’m sure if you’d probed hard enough you would have got some

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      30th July 13

      You’re too kind Wandering Angel, thank you.

      No way. And I presume you live in Lenton? That was where Ed and I headed back to after the above episode.

      Maybe next time I’m in town you can wingwoman for me?

      And if that doesn’t work, WE could always just hook up..?

      Like

      • thewanderingangel
        31st July 13

        I chose to live in Radford, cheaper rent but rougher area. And of course I will, im the best wingwoman there is. And yes failing that we’d see where the walk back to Radford would take us ;) lol

        Like

  6. irishroverpei
    6th August 13

    Never try to negotiate with a hooker and probably never will at 75! I was in the Navy for 24 years so don’t think I didn’t come across any. I always held the principle if you had to pay it was making love. Thanks for visiting my blog

    Like

    • savioni
      6th August 13

      Irish, I think you meant that if you had to pay for sex then it wasn’t making love.

      Like

  7. arealniceguy
    7th August 13

    Never try renegotiate after she has you handcuffed to the bed.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th August 13

      Ha! Noted ‘a real nice guy’. I’ll bear that in mind for the future, thanks.

      Like

  8. theshitshowthatismylife
    12th August 13

    I thought for certain that £100 was already too low of a price. It’s nice to know that desperation can buy something cheaper.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th August 13

      You’re clearly a lot classier than me… Who in turn, is A LOT classier than Ed!

      Like

      • theshitshowthatismylife
        12th August 13

        Hah I wouldn’t be so sure. I’m certain in some aspects Ed and I are on the same level.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          12th August 13

          I just re-read your latest piece (love your refreshingly honest style by the way). Yes… Perhaps I was too quick to paint you as a classy broad!

          I kid. Big fan of your work.

          Like

      • savioni
        13th August 13

        Sean, this statement implies that you are extremely funny. The idea that The Shit Show is classier than you and thus classier than Ed means that you are classier than Ed, which is funny to say. While it may be a fact given all the information about him we have read, you are supposed to defer to your friend’s as being better than you by convention. Here, you are just plain honest and that’s what’s funny. You are equally involved, but the way you write is like a narrator, who is above the story, hovering. It is a natural voice, where at least for me, I remain apart of the events. You make an indifferent narrator, which is an envious role to play. Outstanding Man!

        Like

  9. juststoplooking
    12th August 13

    I don’t even have a corky comment for this story….glad Ed didn’t catch anything..and that you have more sense than him. I’m also glad even though you two didn’t speak of the incident again that you’ve posted about it for the world to learn from and enjoy. Bravo. I will continue to visit your page because it’s too difficult to stop myself. I’m addicted to reading about your shenanigans.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th August 13

      Ha. Well thank you my dear (or should I say dears). Though I don’t know if Ed would be so happy if he found out I posted this!

      Just out of interest, to whom am I speaking; Caroline or Elizabeth?

      So glad to hear that you’re enjoying my tales of desperation and dickhead-ness. Though are you laughing with me or at me..? Actually bollocks, that doesn’t really matter does it? Just so long as you’re laughing.

      I look forward to your next visit.

      Like

  10. butimbeautiful
    13th August 13

    Snappily written piece!

    Like

  11. Expat Eye
    31st August 13

    Tuck and roll. Best way to get out of a moving cab without it actually having to stop. Trust me, I’m Irish.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      31st August 13

      When the hell was that? Thanks for the advice though. I’ll definitely remember that for the future…

      Like

      • Expat Eye
        31st August 13

        South Africa maybe. Can’t be sure. But it’s definitely good advice ;)

        Like

  12. intothebeauty
    6th November 13

    ayo. your blog makes my day at work. thanks, yo.

    http://intothebeauty.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/versatile-blogger-award/

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th November 13

      Thank you once again Lara. Not just for the nomination but for the comment.

      It’s encouragement like that that makes me think a book might not actually be a complete flop… Though in all likelihood, it probably will be.

      Like

      • intothebeauty
        8th November 13

        Anytime, sir! You totally should do a book. It’ll be hard, since blogging is far easier than putting together an actual book, but you’ve got PLENTY of material.

        Like

  13. Julie
    3rd December 13

    The things one learns here….except I thought there were supposed to be TWO golden rules… I only saw one. Now how the hell am I supposed to negotiate with my hooker?? Huh? How? nevermind, I don’t think I should have to pay for sex either.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      3rd December 13

      Ha. I think that you’re the only person who spotted that Julie… Relax though; #1 will be in the book. Assuming you actually want to read it of course.

      And yes, you shouldn’t have to. But in case you ever find yourself in the situation…

      Like

      • Julie
        3rd December 13

        oh wait,! this may have been tips for when I BECOME the hooker! you can learn a lesson from both sides! Oh you are so clever Sean! Of course I want to read it! you will no doubt want to send me an autographed copy… :)

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          3rd December 13

          For you Julie, I’ll even include a naked picture of MYSELF.

          And wow, I hadn’t thought about it that way. But yes, I guess it can be used as a guideline for the future working girls of this world…

          Like

          • Julie
            3rd December 13

            ok then. See? You don’t even know how wonderful you are being! and I would love the naked picture too…

            Like

  14. Sharn
    13th February 14

    hahahahaha

    I’m so glad you didn’t go there too!!

    Red hands *gigglesnort*

    Did he learn from this encounter I wonder? Or does he still skimp?

    I can only imagine the mirth that the cabbie had to contain, because I’d have had to pull over to laugh at y’all.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      It’s weird Sharn. Looking back on it now, I find that whole experience quite funny (obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have written about it). But at the time… Oh man… I was so scared he was going to touch me! And of course, I was really worried for him.

      You know what, I have no idea what the cabbie must’ve been thinking. But your’e right, it must’ve been quite an entertaining experience for him too.

      Like

      • Sharn
        13th February 14

        You could always send him a bottle of hand sanitiser for Xmas!

        Well, look at it this way, since I never pay for sex… Anyone that’s obviously offering me a discount is dubious.

        Although there was this one time that I got picked up by a couple thinking I was a hooker. I didn’t realise until they wanted to start talking payment! Awkward.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          13th February 14

          At which point you…?

          Like

          • Sharn
            13th February 14

            Curiosity killed the cat dear Sean.

            You might need to buy me a few beers before I divulge that one.

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            13th February 14

            Just as well I’m coming to Aus next month then, hey?

            Like

          • Sharn
            13th February 14

            Yes it is just as well!
            There are some stories that I need alcohol to tell. Aren’t you lucky? :D

            Like

  15. Daile
    13th February 14

    Jerking off was definitely the right choice.

    Like

  16. bmowner
    13th February 14

    Maybe stick to Amsterdam if you want to pay for it. Condoms and checkups and of age. To all certainly don’t be one of the jerks that go to SE asia to screw a child. I think hookers in Amsterdam are E100 for suck and fuck…I mean so I hear. Me personally, I don’t want to know where that blood came from…

    Sure brah, if you want a naked photo, happy to send. I usually save them for the ladies and the IT guys pretending to be ladies in chat rooms, but if you really want it…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      I’m sure you’re busy man but I wish you commented more often!

      I’ll pass on the pictures man. But thanks for the heads up on the Dam. Amazingly, it’s one place I’ve never been. Yet…

      Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Oh and dude, I may do some questionable shit (in some people’s eyes) but as Meatloaf once said, I won’t do that. Seriously, that’s messed up and the guys who entertain that should all be jailed.

      Like

      • bmowner
        14th February 14

        Questionable shit is always commendable and strongly encouraged as long she’s 18. :) Oh, and you know, maybe your bud has a super big vagina crushing boner that can even crack open a crack whore….nah…he has a small pee pee and it was her super gnarly zombie causing 3 day old period blood mixed with about dozen guy’s spunk..

        Like

  17. nottheonlystory
    13th February 14

    HAHAHA Again you brighten my day with your stories. And I agree completely anything under a 200$ or 100 pounds DON’T DO IT! I shared it with my roommate and our friends and a few others. Brillante. Fantastic job.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Thank you so much. Not just for the kind words but also for sharing this. I’m not sure if your friends are male or female but if the former, then hopefully they will learn from this cautionary tale… Assuming they also happen to be desperate, horny losers like me and Ed of course.

      And yes, £30 is ALWAYS the wrong price.

      Like

  18. MeglyMc
    13th February 14

    Jesus Christ…I don’t even let my own children drink out of my glass, so you can imagine my horror at a strange, cheap hooker’s blood being flung about.

    That having been said, I’m fairly liberal with bodily fluids within a committed relationship, but in those cases…I’ve already done an STD screening and a credit check.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Believe me Megan, the real thing was far worse… And yes, never forget the credit check. Ha. You do make me smile my dear.

      Like

  19. samara
    13th February 14

    This is REAL.

    Sean, you put it all out there. What you see is what you get. I’d say you were the male version of me, except I’m the male version of me.
    But I DIG this. Hilarious. Authentic. Unapologetic. Not looking for the easy “sympathy” vote- God, that bores me. This is FUN.

    Can I have a part in the movie version of your book? I don’t want to play the cheap hooker, though. I don’t think I’d look good as a blonde.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Thanks Samara. I’m so pleased you said that as it was actually after we’d spoken that I thought I’d highlight this post again.

      This is actually one of the first stories I wrote and given the potential negativity surrounding the topic, I was even thinking about deleting it. But after your response to that ‘real men…’ piece, I thought, ‘fuck it, why not?’ Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there will be some readers of my blog that are offended but like you say, this IS real.

      Ha. I’d just be happy if some people bought the book. But yes, if there ever was a film, you could certainly play a part my dear. There are high-end escorts, strippers, work colleagues and strangers… Just take your pick.

      Like

      • samara
        13th February 14

        Why potential negativity? It’s the world’s oldest profession.

        If all male bloggers were as honest as you, women would appreciate it. I know I do.

        Like

  20. V
    13th February 14

    Hey Sean, do you think Ed would have admitted to you when you met him years later that he had snagged something insidious during his romantic tryst down the alleyway with the lady on her moon? Incidentally, you used to be able to pick someone up off the streets here for less than 100, but my male friends tell me now that it’s all done online, and one of the “nice” ones can cost 200+ for an hour of “massages” and “conversation”.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Ha. That’s a very good point actually V.

      Ah yes, I’m all too familiar with ‘doing it online’. Smart phones and alcohol have lead to both some very good and very bad times… And your friends are right, those ‘conversations’ can be quite expensive.

      I’m not even trying to be funny there. As a few times, I’ve actually been too drunk to do anything and I’ve ended up paying to essentially get naked and talk to girls about their day, life, boyfriend problems… You can’t make this shit up, honestly.

      Like

  21. El Guapo
    13th February 14

    Since the closing sounds like you’d lost touch with Ed, was it because of this incident?

    And did you start keeping a small vial of colored water “blood” to get out of these messes in the future?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Spot on Guap, but it wasn’t because of this. That weekend was the first time I’d met him and he’s also a few years younger than me so even if our mission had been a success, I’m sure our interaction would still be fairly limited.

      I’m trying to make the vial of blood connection but I’m at a loss, forgive my ignorance. I got as far as vampires but that’s it..?

      And in terms of avoiding these messes, I’ve just made sure never to go back to Forest (or any other) Road that’s known for this kind of thing.

      Like

      • El Guapo
        13th February 14

        No – splash the blood on the hooker when no is watching, so it’s easier to just move on.

        Unless bloody hookers is the kind of thing people like to pay extra for…

        Like

  22. MissSteele
    13th February 14

    Oh. My. God. That is one of the most hilarious/disgusting things I have ever read.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      That’s pretty much exactly what I was going for Miss Steele. Glad you liked it. Kind of.

      Like

  23. hellosophiahere
    13th February 14

    That’s awful yet hilarious!!!! Haha!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Ah Miss Speaks, welcome.

      Yes, that seems to be the general reaction from everyone to this story. It really was quite awful at the time. But now that so many years have passed, I’m okay writing (and laughing) about it.

      By the way, I picked up Bonsai Trees… Like your blog, it made me chuckle.

      Like

  24. Phil Taylor
    13th February 14

    Hilarious! I can’t wait for your book. How much longer?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      Thanks man. This actually features as part of a longer story in the book. So I’m glad you like it.

      As for when, I’m really not sure. I’ve just been through the copy edited version so the rest is up to the self publishing company now… I think it’ll be another month at least.

      In hindsight, perhaps I should have done things like you man. But I just wanted to give this the best shot I could… Hopefully it’ll all be worth it!

      Like

  25. Trent Lewin
    14th February 14

    Dude, you spin valuable life lessons while making me laugh… I appreciate that. This was kind of gross and very hilarious, which makes it a winner in my book.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      Thank you kindly sir. If people can laugh at my experiences then great. But if they can learn something at the same time..? Then my work here is done.

      Like

  26. The Hook
    23rd February 14

    I guarantee Ed never accepted a bargain so easily again…

    Like

  27. skinnyuz2b
    10th March 14

    S.S., sometimes the economy package is not a good deal.

    Like

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