The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

What? A story that’s not about sex?

For those of you that are new to the site or just haven’t read ‘the Lead’, I’m Tamil (Sri Lankan). Why is this relevant?

Well a reader from Canada said that I looked like a tanned white boy so I wanted to clear that up for starters. But it also relates to my upbringing and perhaps, explains why I’ve turned out the way I have.

Actually that’s bollocks, it won’t shed any light on that but a lot of people who know me in real life have suggested I try a piece about my background so y’all can better understand my character. So here goes nothing.

Before I get to the (hopefully) good stuff, in a nutshell; Sri Lanka’s a tiny island below India. The natives are predominantly either Sinhala or Tamil and these are also the country’s two official languages.

Fearing that if Tamil was spoken at home, we may develop an accent when speaking English, our parents never taught us how to speak the language.

Sad? Perhaps.

Though I have no doubt that if I sounded like Apu from The Simpsons, my life would have been VERY different.

So I for one am grateful to my folks (dad) for making that call. Just FYI ladies, a girl I met in Miami told me I sounded like Hugh Grant. Moving on…

Unfortunately mum had other ideas and we were forcibly enrolled into a Saturday school when I was around six. Her aim? That we’d pick up the language and some understanding about our religion.

Language

In short, this was a fairly amateur operation. After five years at school, I was able to have reasonably fluent conversations in French. But over the same period at Saturday school, I picked up these three sentences:

1. My name is Sean – en-athe pear Sean
2. A cow eats grass – passu pull thinnum
3. A cow produces milk – passu parl tharrum

Now admittedly I wasn’t the best student but what was the deal with this cow?

Only until my teens did I realise that this was related to our religion. You see, my family, like many Tamils are Hindu and the cow is considered to be a sacred animal. So it stands to reason that they’d cover this.

But as a child with no clue, I used to imagine ridiculous scenarios where these sentences may have actually been useful e.g. upon arrival at the airport:

Passport control: “What’s the purpose of your visit to SL?” (Tamil equivalent)
Me: “Erm… sorry I don’t speak Tamil.”
Passport control: “I said. What’s the purpose of your visit to SL?”
Me: “Hmm… A… Cow… Eats grass?”
Passport control: “Oh my god. Why didn’t you say so earlier sir. Thems are the magic words; you can by-pass this queue and I’ll arrange for a limo to pick you up out front.”

cow-meme-generator-moo-bitch-get-out-the-hay-5541e6

Year-end evaluation

Would you say that Sean can hold a basic conversation in Tamil?Not even close. And furthermore, I think he may be retarded. As he just sits there looking at pictures of cows laughing to himself.”

Religion

Now I’ve always been suspicious about religion as I figured, so long as you know the difference between right and wrong, that’s all that really matters. Of course my ‘wrong barometer’ has been known to play up on occasion. However I was forced to reassess my principles in ’98.

I’m not sure how it works elsewhere but in the UK, your first major exams are your GCSEs (sat at 16 generally). And at 18, you sit your A-Levels, which are essentially university entrance exams.

There are two years between me and the Surgeon. So in the summer of ’98, exactly a week after he would receive his A-Level results, I would be picking up my GCSE results.

As had become our modus operandi by then, we would only visit the Temple voluntarily if we needed something. So the Surgeon, wanting a helping hand decided to throw his only £2 into the donation box the night before his results came out.

Results day came and went and he bagged 2 As and 2 Bs. Brilliant achievement don’t get me wrong (especially as this was at a time when colouring-in wasn’t on the syllabus like it is now) but I couldn’t help wondering if he’d have received straight As if he’d put £4 into the box.

Fast forward a week. And the night before I collected my results I placed £10 into the box. What did I get? 10 As.

Hmmm. Maybe I was wrong about this religion stuff.

Fast forward two years and it was my turn with A-Levels. Now I left nothing to chance and even adjusted for inflation over the previous two years, so ended up putting £6 into the box (for my three subjects).

Results day – 1 A, 1 B, 1 C

Balls! It is a load of crap after all.

Would you say that Sean clearly understands the principles and philosophies of Hinduism?Nope. That boy’s going to get reincarnated as toilet roll.”

Language – Take Two

There are three things I’ll say about Tamils with some certainty;

1. Only the Greeks or the Russians can rival them in terms of surname length;

2. These names invariably start with letters toward the end of the alphabet (like mine); and

3. If you go into any petrol station in London at night, the man behind the counter WILL be Tamil. This is relevant as I’m convinced that once a shopkeeper realises I’m not just a regular drunk (with the late night munchies) but a Tamil drunk; this will carry goodwill and I shall leave said store with some freebie or at least a discounted item.

During our final year of school, home-room was assigned alphabetically. Now as fate would have it, both Unit and Poitier were in that class too. So buoyed by their enthusiasm, I decided to give the language thing another go.

Unfortunately I picked up nothing further. But the boys ‘appeared’ to have mastered my name is – en-athe pear.

My petrol station theory was common knowledge so some years later when the Surgeon, Poitier and I were returning home from a bender we thought we’d test it out.

Poitier: “Don’t worry chaps, I’ve got this one in the bag… END OF THE PIER, POITIER.”

Shopkeeper: “What?!”

The Surgeon: “Quick Sean, use the cow line.”

Me: “Erm… A… cow… eats grass?”

Tumbleweed_zps99ed90be

So it turns out that this phrase really is as bloody useless as it sounds. And other than an out-of-date packet of crisps, I have received jack from my brethren.

Before I go, I just wanted to say thanks to New Mumma, who recently nominated me for a blogging award. Though given the title is the ‘Super Sweet Blog’, I’m still trying to figure out if she was taking the piss or not.

Unfortunately I’m unable to openly accept the award as I fear that being associated with such a mushy accolade may harm my chances of becoming a rapper; a project that I am undertaking on the side.

It’s more ‘middle class’ than ‘gangster’ and I don’t yet have a stage name but I still think I might be onto something. Current working titles include:

L.W.A (Lankans with Attitude) – ‘Straight outta Tooting’

MC Spanner – ‘You most certainly CAN touch this’

50 pence – ‘Please make me rich or I’ll start crying’

That is all.

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

126 comments on “What? A story that’s not about sex?

  1. Lori Shea-Skillin
    8th August 13

    I enjoyed this post. LOL.. but I cant go past the cow meme.. ! Gold. :P

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      9th August 13

      It’s brilliant isn’t it? My post I mean. Not the cow meme.

      No seriously, thank you Lori. I’m glad you liked it. I was really worried that it might suck (like a novice hooker) but from people’s reactions (both here and real life), it appears to have been well received…

      I may have to change my damn tagline again though!

      Like

      • Lori Shea-Skillin
        9th August 13

        Yes it’s good to mix it up.. The whole SL thing is intriguing to me also… It made me ponder my own background and family origins. I’m Australian obviously, born and bred, but my ancestry is Irish, on both my mum and dad’s sides. My grandmother ( mothers mum) came over as a child.. and the subsequent Catholicism followed her. I guess I have my own story to write about that one day, and I will definitely say it was inspired by your post. I had a giggle at the comment by the lady who said you looked like a tanned white boy.. OZ is full of those! Haha! But, IMHO… And if that really is you in the pic, your a bit cute mate. . : ) does that pic have a story that’s not already written here?

        Like

        • Julie
          4th December 13

          WAIT! WHERE’S THE PICTURE SEAN?!

          Like

          • Sean Smithson
            4th December 13

            Ha. You’ve seen it already silly. The masked one from my ‘Followers’ post?

            Like

      • Lori Shea-Skillin
        10th August 13

        Actually I must thank you also. You have been the biggest contributor of likes and comments to my WordPress experience. I’m not sure how you stumbled across me as I’m a relative newbie.. but I appreciate the interaction either way. So thankyou Sean. : ) x

        Like

  2. Expat Eye
    8th August 13

    You need to get a ‘love’ button ;) That was hilarious! How about Spankin’ Lankan as your rapper name?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      9th August 13

      “You need to get a ‘love’ button…” I think I’ve fallen in love with you a little bit Expat Eye.

      Thank you so much for that. I was just saying to Lori (above) how nervous I was about doing something a bit off-piste so as a regular reader of my shit, it means a lot to hear you say that.

      I’ll consider that rapper name actually…

      Like

      • Expat Eye
        9th August 13

        Well I’m honoured! And I promise to buy your first single or download your first track or whatever it is the crazy kids are doing nowadays ;) ‘Love button’ could be the title of your first track actually…

        ‘Push it, push it, go on push my love button,
        You know you want it,
        For my hand you’re a glutton,
        You’re gonna get it,
        You’re gonna get it,
        Oooh a spankin’ from the Lankan baby…

        Or something like that ;) What do you think??

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          9th August 13

          I know you’re not Lankan but I think there may be an opening for you in L.W.A!

          Like

          • Expat Eye
            9th August 13

            How exciting! I knew this blog was going to take me to some interesting places but L.W.A??? Never in my wildest dreams! I reckon we’d make a great team – taking over the world one spankin’ at a time… ;)

            Like

        • bevchen
          21st January 14

          I was going to comment on the post, but then I read this comment and was too busy laughing to remember what I wanted to say…

          Where do you come up with this stuff Linda?!

          Like

          • Sean Smithson
            21st January 14

            It’s one of my favourites that’s for sure. And now I know how you found me…

            Like

          • Expat Eye
            21st January 14

            Welcome to my weird brain ;) Ha haha!

            Like

  3. Madame Weebles
    9th August 13

    This disappoints me. Here I am trying to catch up on blog posts and I hit on the ONE post you write that ISN’T about sex? Thanks a lot. Meanwhile you’re right about those surnames. A guy I grew up with was born in SL—his first name was Jagath but his surname was about 3021 letters long. Except for St. Patrick’s Day, when he added an O’ or Mc prefix depending on his whim.

    As for your rapper name, I’m torn between LWA and MC Spanner. 50 pence has its merits too, but people might shorten it to 50p, and that would be unfortunate.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      9th August 13

      My, my, my… This is an honour. I’ve had a like and a comment from THE Madame Weebles. I just need one from Speaker 7 now and I’ll have completed the ‘awesome foursome’ set… Weebles, Speaker 7, Jen & Tonic and Le Clown

      Ha. Sorry to disappoint you. Though feel free to check out ANY of the other stories as that’s pretty much all I wrote about before this one.

      I’ve just stuck ‘Mc’ onto my surname and it takes it past 10 syllables now!

      Feel you on the rapper names shorty.

      After this post, I’ve had a few requests asking if there’s any more room in L.W.A. so I think that’s the one. You can guest rap on our first single if you like?

      Like

  4. julieensomo
    10th August 13

    As always, another winning hilarious post!:)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th August 13

      Wow, thanks so much for that Julie; that means a lot. Though level with me, is that how you really feel or were you just commenting to try and win that date with me?

      Like

  5. joancloned
    11th August 13

    Nice! Well written, very funny, and engaging! Can’t wait to read more!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th August 13

      Thank you joancloned. I’m glad you enjoyed it and really pleased to hear you say that.

      Especially as some of the feedback I’ve received (in person) on this post has been along the lines of ‘stick to the hooker stories’ or ‘we want to read about you failing to have sex again not about your childhood!’

      As they say though, you can’t please everyone right..?

      Like

      • joancloned
        11th August 13

        Don’t get me wrong, I do love hooker stories too! ;)

        Like

  6. Scrawler
    13th August 13

    do you have a gay brother, sean, with the same sense of humor? I’m in the market for a husband-by-mail. American citizenship not included; void where prohibited by law

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th August 13

      Well Scrawler, a lot of the people I met whilst travelling thought I was actually gay. And that perhaps that’s why I sabotage my ‘relationships’ with women?

      Personally I think it’s because I’m a dick… Either way, sorry buddy but my brothers and I are all straight.

      I appreciate that you appreciate my sense of humour though. A couple of your posts certainly made me chuckle sir.

      Like

  7. CuriousEmily
    14th August 13

    Haha, very good! Your dad sounds hilarious, you should write more about him.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th August 13

      I would love to. But I suspect that if he were ever to find out, my freeloading privileges would be taken away immediately.

      However I start a new role in the wonderfully mundane world of finance next week. So perhaps if I scrape enough shillings together to move out, I can get to work on the Big Poppa Smithson chronicles.

      Like

  8. tattoogirl
    20th August 13

    Have I ever told you I have this thing for Sri Lanken men? It’s true. Ever since that hot judge/photographer on America’s Next Top Model gave me “nighttime material,” I was hooked.

    And your story….
    Brilliant, as usual…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      20th August 13

      No way? I fancy you even more than before now!

      Though actually, that dude you’re referring to is unbelievably hot so it would be pretty stupid of me to compare myself to him… But I’m glad you liked the story.

      PS – ‘Nightime material’… I may have to start using that line.

      Like

      • tattoogirl
        20th August 13

        I would love to see you without your Superhero mask. Then, the verdict: Who’s hotter? Sean Smithson or the hot Sri Lanken judge from America’s next top model? I wish I could insert a photo of him here…

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          20th August 13

          I for one am glad that you can’t put a picture of him on here though. As then everyone could see just how much of a mis-match it really is!

          Like

          • tattoogirl
            20th August 13

            If you’re ever in NYC or I’m ever in London, we’re meeting up for drinks. Just drinks, you know…

            Like

  9. anonymousapathetic
    21st August 13

    For Sean, the antithesis of myself, I am glad we are not friends in real life – because I would probably slap you infrequently;

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      21st August 13

      Ha, I like this a lot. But don’t you mean that you’d slap me frequently… And I actually think that we’d be great friends in real life!

      Like

      • anonymousapathetic
        22nd August 13

        I stand by the infrequency, you see, I’m not generally abusive – I only suppose you could bring that nature about ;). It occurs to me; I may have yet to meet a man who does not suppose we would make great friends. :P

        Like

  10. lazylauramaisey
    22nd August 13

    My landlord for a few years was Sri Lankan. His name was Bala Pathmabaskaran. I only remember it cause I had to write him a cheque for £357 every month. And that’s my comment. I thought you’d want to know.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      23rd August 13

      Oh yeah Pathmabaskaran… Landlord by day, petrol station worker by night. How is he?

      Like

      • lazylauramaisey
        23rd August 13

        Awful. Really really awful. Doesn’t help at all when things break. Leaves the country very often. Didn’t give us our deposits back…. Should I go on?

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          23rd August 13

          No, no. Sounds about right… Sorry about that. Though if you ever manage to locate him, try the cow line out? Maybe I was just saying it wrong all this time…

          Like

  11. cpmandara
    1st September 13

    Cows are important and you need to know these things. Unfortunately they are not get-out-of-jail-free cards (although they should be) but you should be proud of your language abilities. You can speak three phrases of a second language more than most people can ;) Use them as chat-up lines… you never know your luck ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      1st September 13

      I think if you heard the way I pronounce those three phrases you would take back the ‘proud’ comment. Honestly, it’s pretty embarrassing… Poitier was only marginally worse than me!

      Chat-up lines eh? So… A cow produces milk?

      Like

  12. Cupidgoesfishing
    14th September 13

    Cows may produce milk – but this past summer in India and Nepal I was more concerned with avoiding other things they produced that one found on the ground!

    I also discovered that Indian men are much hotter than I ever thought. I’m betting Sri Lankans may fall into that same category of hot….

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th September 13

      Hear you loud and clear Cupid; I felt the same when I was there the previous summer… Whilst I obviously understand and accept that a cow is considered to be a sacred animal, I don’t know why that means no one will clear up after them?

      But at the same time, I guess that’s also part of India’s charm…

      Haha well I can’t comment on that.

      Like

  13. honeydidyouseethat?
    2nd November 13

    Am trying to make the leap from cow to all of your sex oriented posts. You might have to write a part 2. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      3rd November 13

      Ha. I don’t think anyone can make that leap… myself included! As for a part 2, I’m sure there’s one somewhere…

      Like

  14. Aussa Lorens
    18th November 13

    This was super interesting– I read a post on Buzzfeed about the Tamil culture one time… But they did not mention cows eating grass ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      18th November 13

      I’m surprised at that as apparently it’s a pretty big deal… As you can clearly see!

      I may have to scour the interwebs to find that buzzfeed article now. Mainly to set the author straight but also out of interest. Thanks for the heads up.

      Like

  15. avoirunevie
    18th November 13

    I honestly can’t recall the last time I enjoyed a post as much as this … it’s hilarious and really well written. In fact, I’m jealous. I am curious now to see your photo, which I haven’t done (I’m slow to the point of retardation in matters technological). I’ve always dreamed of having dark skin … my skin is so pale it’s virtually translucent, and I cannot tan: I have ghostly white and burnt to a crisp. That’s it. Anyway … thanks for this. It made my day !

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      18th November 13

      Hey man, thanks a lot. That’s like the best comment I’ve ever had; really appreciate it.

      And it’s feedback like this that makes me think my book won’t suck massive ass when I finally complete it. Then again, I could be wildly off the mark with that…

      As for the pic, you should’ve seen one on the ‘Followers – what’s it all about’ post… Albeit I was wearing a mask and covered in glitter!

      Like

      • avoirunevie
        18th November 13

        Are you often wearing a mask and covered in glitter? If so, feel free to join my team. We value glitter! ;-)

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          18th November 13

          Ha. Alas, it was just for the Carnival but I certainly enjoyed dressing up for the occasion…

          Now the guy who took the photo IS actually on your team and not only a looker but a great guy. So if you ever happen to be in Sydney, let me know and I’ll introduce you (virtually of course).

          Like

          • avoirunevie
            18th November 13

            I might be in Sydney … I’ve been to Melbourne and loved it. Someone there referred to Sydney as “the Big Smoke,” but I wasn’t sure if they were being sarcastic or sincere (it’s hard to tell with you Aussies).

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            18th November 13

            Wrong continent my friend. I am merely a stone’s throw from you across the pond…

            And I think they were being sincere.

            Like

          • avoirunevie
            18th November 13

            You’re in the UK? I must pay attention more.

            Like

  16. halfeatenmind
    27th November 13

    Vannakam Sean, I had no idea that you were Tamil, I’d assumed you were a regular white guy from the Home Counties lol. I’m half-Mauritian and like you, never really got taught my mother tongue, and only now know a smattering of a few words and phrases.
    You would love it here in east London. Thamizh (Tamils) galore!. Visit High Street North in East Ham and you will certainly get my drift…and here’s another useless fact for y’all. There’s a big Tamil community in Mauritius as well.
    Nandri (thanks) for this insight into your heritage!

    Vijay
    – HalfEatenMind

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th November 13

      Ha. I get that a lot man…

      Yeah, I’ve heard East Ham is a hot spot for Tamils. As is Tooting, where I was born actually. I know a few people from Mauritius. They’re almost indistinguishable from Tamils.

      I know I’m shit at Tamil but I did actually know what nandri meant. But don’t tell anyone otherwise the story isn’t as effective!

      Thanks again for the tweet.

      Like

  17. halfeatenmind
    27th November 13

    Didnt realise there were Tamils ‘daan salf’. You guys are taking over!!. You learn something new every day.
    Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Just make sure that the money is handed over in the car park behind Asda tomorrow and I keep schtum ;)
    As for the tweet, you’re very welcome.

    Vijay.

    Like

  18. raghul96
    30th November 13

    The cow meme made me laugh so hard! :D
    As a Tamil, it’s ok for me to laugh right?
    Seriously, did you ever regret not learning it? I’ve got a couple of years at home (before uni) and am regretting not learning it. Especially during those super awkward family/friend get togethers :S

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      1st December 13

      Of course. Laugh away… Though I can’t claim credit for it. I just googled funny cow pictures and that gem came up.

      There are like two occasions growing up where I was slightly embarrassed by not knowing what the people around me were saying but that’s about it. And the few Tamil friends I have are almost as bad as me so it’s not really something I think about to be honest.

      Plus even though I make out I’m completely clueless, I do actually understand a reasonable amount. I think…

      Like

  19. Julie
    4th December 13

    I will have to come back for the comments, but serious. You are funny! As are the comments you get, but really, I am supposed to be WORKING….

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      4th December 13

      Once again you flatter me Julie…

      If you keep this up, we may have to have sex. Which I’m totally fine with by the way.

      Like

      • Julie
        4th December 13

        That depends, which one of us is going to have to pay??

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          4th December 13

          Well you know, normally I would. But with the economy and all… I was thinking you?

          Or we could go Dutch.

          Like

          • Julie
            4th December 13

            I guess that’s good for me, as long as it doesn’t cost me more….

            Like

  20. The Hook
    16th December 13

    The lack of intercourse notwithstanding, this was a wonderful post. Thank you for enlightening me.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      16th December 13

      Ha. Thanks man. As always, I appreciate your visits.

      The lack of intercourse is actually a bit of a recurring theme but it seems that no one has noticed… So far.

      Like

  21. Kimmie
    28th December 13

    Sean, I don’t care what direction you write…Keep doing what you do best!! You make us laugh and for that I am very Thankful :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th December 13

      Thank you so much Kimmie; that’s all I hope to do with each of my stories.

      When I started the site I thought it would just be stories of embarrassing sexual encounters but I’ve had just as much fun writing about all the other stuff… I’m glad you’re still laughing; regardless of the topic.

      Like

  22. jaifeyboy
    13th January 14

    Arrrh man! Since GCSE’s them god people start demanding tips!… It’s a harsh world but inflation alone won’t cut it! Haha whens your book out man? I’m counting on it for in flight entertainment!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th January 14

      I know, right? I’m getting there my friend, don’t worry. Though you may have to wait till you’re back home… Thanks for the continued support man.

      Like

  23. joeyfullystated
    17th January 14

    Love this post! The cow bit, LOL! Reminded me of Eddie Izzard going to France with his phrases. Surely you’ve seen that? Must see if you haven’t.

    Like

  24. spacurious
    17th January 14

    Hugh Grant the rapper. Almost makes me want to send naked pictures of myself but I’ll do us both a favor and not.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      17th January 14

      Definitely do send naked pictures. Though I will tell you now that my rapping is about as good as my writing so maybe you shouldn’t actually…

      Like

  25. bloggedartistry
    30th January 14

    Legen…wait for it…dairy! See what I did there? Cow’s that for bovine scattology?

    Great work!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      30th January 14

      Bravo sir. A truly wonderful comment, thank you. And I’m most glad that you enjoyed the piece.

      Like

  26. NotAPunkRocker
    14th February 14

    I am so glad that this is the first post I read on this Valentine’s Day. Thanks for the laughs.
    I am still taking applications for a house-husband if you feel like moving to the US ;-)
    Just kidding. Somewhat.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      I’m glad I could make you smile. And with regard to the house husband vacancy, where do I submit my application?

      Like

  27. skinnyuz2b
    14th February 14

    SS, cows got me into big trouble when I was sixteen. My cousin Deedee, and previous neighbor Kathy, and I met three guys. Kathy was a year older with a car. We drove out and parked beside a cow pasture. While Kathy and her guy made out in the woods across the road, Deedee and I made-up cow jokes to entertain our guys. I’m sure they’ll never forget us, but not in a good way. Thanks to Kathy, we arrived home a few hours late and were grounded for a month.
    Maybe things would have been different if we’d learned your cow lines?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      Maybe. But then again, they are fairly useless lines so I doubt it.

      Like

  28. Daniel Nest
    14th February 14

    It’s a bloody shame we live in a world where a phrase as beautiful as “A cow eats grass” doesn’t grant its user any perks.
    Also, I’d say Ukrainian names are right up there with the Russian ones in terms of letter-length, but of course they steal our light as always. Well, they usually shut off our gas, but you catch my drift.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      I know, right?

      Ha. My apologies man. You’re quite right and I’m sure there are many more countries in the ‘terribly long surname’ club. When I’m REALLY bored one day, maybe I’ll look into that..

      By the way, I note that even though your blog is hosted by WordPress, I can’t seem to ‘follow’ as I do with other blogs? What do I need to do to ensure that your shit appears in my reader? I’m not a big fan of email subscriptions.

      Like

      • Daniel Nest
        14th February 14

        It’s because I’m using WordPress.org (self-hosted), so they strip some functionality (bastards). I think you can still use a 3rd party reader to just follow via RSS.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          14th February 14

          Some weird shit happened when I clicked on RSS man. So I decided it would just be a lot easier if I followed you on Twitter and the Book.

          Like

          • Daniel Nest
            14th February 14

            Did a swarm of demons fly out of your screen and indiscriminately attack your pets and loved ones? Because that has happened before. Google refers to it as “Known Bug ZX-471.”

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            14th February 14

            It was precisely that. Thankfully my family is ok but my parrot didn’t make it… You should probably look into that man.

            Like

          • Daniel Nest
            14th February 14

            I’ve already raised a ticket about it in 2011, but the customer support representative seemed to speak a mix of Klingon and primal screams, neither of which I’m well-versed in.

            Like

  29. nancytex2013
    14th February 14

    A great non-Valentines post on Valentines Day. You continue to be my hero. :-)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      Bless you Nancy. By the way, I just sent the final, copy edited, checked and double checked (though it’ll probably still have some mistakes!) version of the manuscript to the publishers and your comment WILL be on the back cover.

      Happy Valentine’s Day.

      Like

      • nancytex2013
        14th February 14

        SQUEE!!!! I’m giddy with happiness! :-)

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          14th February 14

          The funny thing is, everyone seems to think that that comment was made by a dude!

          Like

          • nancytex2013
            14th February 14

            I’ve been accused of thinking like a dude many times.

            Like

  30. The Howling Fantogs
    14th February 14

    I studied Spanish for five years at school, and the only phrase I know is que pasa cono. I’ll not write what this means. On another note, I was once told I looked like Hugh Grant. She meant it as a compliment/pick up. Sadly he is about twenty years older than me.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      Presumably you meant, ‘he’ meant it as a compliment?

      See now I totally dig older women so that wouldn’t have been an issue for me…

      Like

      • The Howling Fantogs
        14th February 14

        No, it was a lady in her sixties. Never say I don’t have the chicks dropping at my feet.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          14th February 14

          Ah, OK mate. Though in my defence, you started off with ‘she’ and finished with ‘he’. And actually yes, I’d probably draw the line at 60… Maybe 65 is she was hot.

          Like

  31. Trent Lewin
    15th February 14

    I almost didn’t open this one… but it was plenty interesting, no sex and all. And look, you got a visit from the Weebles, I thought she’d turned hermit but it’s good to see her out and about too.

    Didn’t know you were Tamil. I’d like to give you an award too, the Destined for Greatness Award – and I’m not taking the piss there. Now get back to the sex stuff, it’s cold here.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th February 14

      Ha. Thanks a lot man. Coming from you, that’s a big compliment for sure.

      The Weebs visit was actually back in August when I posted this originally. But she has been around, actively busting my balls and taking the piss this year too.

      I know man, sorry. I’ve been really busy finalising my manuscript after the copy edit so I haven’t been writing any new stuff. But it’s finally with the guys to typeset and all that other jazz.

      Pretty much all the new pieces that are swirling around in my head are about sex in some way, shape or form, don’t worry.

      Like

      • Trent Lewin
        15th February 14

        Oh crap, I didn’t realize these were repeats… anyway, book is more important than blog posts, right. Let’s have it. I’m gonna buy the shit out of that book.

        Like

  32. Shelley
    15th February 14

    Still funny! After teaching in Thailand, I would like to add them to your list of longest surnames. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th February 14

      Thanks Shelley. Do you know, we used to live in Thailand and I don’t recall Thai names being particularly long? But then again, I was two at the time!

      In other news; teaching in Thailand? Very cool. Have you written about it at all on the blog?

      Like

  33. Shelley
    15th February 14

    OK now I have to go and find you a Thai name… Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.
    Noo… Maybe I’ll do a flashback sometime. :)

    Like

  34. Blossom Brouillard
    16th February 14

    This had me laughing hysterically! You’re an inspiration! Looking forward to the book.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      17th February 14

      High praise indeed Blossom, thank you so much. Hopefully I shan’t disappoint you with the book. Be warned though; it’s nothing like this at all.

      Like

  35. MeglyMc
    17th February 14

    Awwww, love. At least you look like a tan white boy, and you haven’t grown up with a pallor that looks something north of albino, or as one of my friends from college said…”Well, we could always find you in the dark, as long as you were naked.”

    And if it makes you feel ANY better…four years of French, and I can only order coffee and baguettes, and tell you that there is a monkey under the table.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      17th February 14

      Aww, I’m sure you’re not that pasty Megan. And don’t get me wrong, I loved the tanned white boy comment. I just couldn’t believe she came to that conclusion… I asked my friends about it after I’d posted the picture and their response was, “No, it’s definitely you. You just look a lot camper. And possibly like you might need to take a dump.” Charming as usual.

      Don’t knock that monkey line. That would’ve been pretty useful to know in India at times. Provided I was at said table with some people who could understand French of course.

      Like

      • MeglyMc
        17th February 14

        It comes with the red hair…trust me, I’m only a few hundred freckles from albino.

        Like

  36. unknown
    17th February 14

    ‘You most certainly can touch this’ – your catchphrase, dear boy, surely? Excellent piece – if only religion did work on such clear principles as £1=1 result, then I’d be putting £16 into the collection plate and praying very hard about the rest of Leyton Orient’s season. Which very few people will get. A cow eats grass, anyone?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      17th February 14

      Pretty much, yes. Though maybe I need a new one as it doesn’t seem to be working so well…

      My sentiments exactly sir. Though in my case it would be for Arsenal. And inflation would have to be adjusted for 9 fucking years!

      Like

      • unknown
        18th February 14

        Typical Arsenal fan – a couple of Xmases back myself and another O’s fan were out with an Arsenal chum who moaned, spat and swore because you only got an away draw… at that time we were in the relegation zone after one of our classic ‘let;s lose the first nine games and play catch-up ‘cos that’ll make it fun’ seasons. We looked at him with the disdain usually saved for a spoilt child having a tantrum – we would have given a kidney for an away draw… Still, I suppose it’s all relative, and it’s only a game, innit… Hmm…

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          18th February 14

          Ha. You’re quite right. We are wankers. Though for what it’s worth, I definitely wouldn’t be throwing a tantrum if we got an away draw. And if we could avoid getting our arses served to us tomorrow night against Bayern that would also be quite lovely.

          You’re right again though, it is only a game. And I realised that when I started crying when Chelsea knocked us out of the Champions League under Ranieri that maybe I was taking things a little too seriously…

          Like

          • unknown
            20th February 14

            There are those that say football is a paradigm for life. Wrong: life is a paradigm for football!

            Like

  37. lifeconfusions
    20th February 14

    Hahaha, Sean I can always expect a good laugh from your awesome posts !
    You always get me with your humor. Loved reading it, Good thing I’m back or I would have missed it all.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      20th February 14

      I’m glad you’re back too my dear. And thank you for your kind words as always. This one definitely seems to have made people smile. Even though there was no sex!

      Like

      • lifeconfusions
        20th February 14

        It was my pleasure and you know that ;)
        And it doesn’t always have to involve sex to be funny, thats the thing about having GOOD humor and you certainly have it Sean.

        Like

  38. Carrie Rubin
    24th February 14

    I’m so glad to learn the money-to-the-church thing didn’t pan out given I went through school without knowing such a thing might be possible. Phew. Think of all that time I’d have wasted studying…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      24th February 14

      Ha. Quite right Carrie. And like you, I didn’t actually know such a thing existed until my brother threw those two coins into the box. I wrote to the temple and asked for my six pounds back but it’s been over 10 years now so I’m starting to lose hope…

      Welcome by the way. I really appreciate you stopping by.

      Like

      • Carrie Rubin
        24th February 14

        Well, hopefully they put your six pounds to good use. Like on a trashy movie and a beer, for example…

        Like

  39. themonumentaljackass
    12th May 14

    This is fantastic!

    I haven’t been here far too long. Brilliance remains pending. Must read.

    Absolutely hilarious, Mr. Smithson.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th May 14

      Hey man, nice to see you back. And thanks. I’m pleased you liked it as it was definitely one of the most enjoyable to write.

      Like

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This entry was posted on 14th February 14 by in The Stories that don't fit in anywhere else and tagged , , , , , , .
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