The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

His friends call him Nova. As in…

Casanova. Womanizer. Lothario.

Clearly words that you wouldn’t use to describe me. But over the years I’ve had the pleasure of observing some true masters at work. And my pick of the bunch? Nova.

There is of course no way of you verifying this (unless you’ve slept with him and I know at least two readers that have) but believe me when I say, the guy has a gift with women and his rap sheet at the FIRM alone is the stuff of legends.

It’s not just his appearance; he’s like an even better looking version of a young Dean Martin. But like Martin he has a “seemingly-effortless charisma and self-assuredness” around women.

Some of you may be reading this and wondering why on earth I’d want to hang out with the Luke Skywalker of cocksmiths but rather fortunately, not only do we have completely different tastes in women, it appears that women generally share the same views about us (apart from one ex-colleague, who has actually slept with both of us).

Plus his seemingly-effortless charisma and self-assuredness is the perfect complement to my quite-visible lack of charisma and shyness around women.

Around five years ago now, we were at an engagement party and to quote Roy O’Bannon from Shanghai Knights, it was ‘ass soup’.

True to form Nova was ‘on the grind’ within minutes of our arrival. And much like any other night, it was only after a significant amount of booze that I felt comfortable joining him and his harem.

Now the events that follow are still disputed amongst the people who bore witness to them but all I remember is walking towards the bar to pick up some roadies for the journey across the room, a friend of mine dropping her glass of G&T and me falling flat on my arse.

Though instead of my arse, it was actually my face. And instead of flat, it was on broken glass.

As you should’ve gathered by now, I’m quite relaxed about embarrassing situations and would usually have handled things like this.

post-22822-Falling-Down-Stairs-Recovery-g-QGO8

Except when I eventually got up, I noticed that absolutely no one was laughing and more importantly, my head felt like it had been run over. I glanced down at the floor and my clothing and the area directly underneath me were already covered in blood. Bugger.

The party was pretty much over after that and although I obviously felt terrible for ruining the evening, I was slightly more interested in what the fuck I was supposed to do next.

Within moments people were gathering around me to offer assistance, including a chap who had recently suffered a similar injury and one of our trained first aiders.

But no. Apparently the accolade of Hollywood heart-throb from years-gone-by wasn’t enough. And Nova decided this was the perfect opportunity to play present-day panty-dropper, George Clooney; reprising his role as Dr Ross from ER.

george-clooney-as-dr-douglas-ross

Brushing everyone else aside, he announced to the crowd that he had it ‘covered’ and led me to the gents. As we clambered up the stairs I distinctly recall saying to him ‘shouldn’t we just head to the hospital?’ To which he muttered something about knowing what he was doing and proceeded to unravel the longest length of bog roll I have ever seen in my life.

Nova: “Stand still. I’m going to try to stop the bleeding.”

Me: “I don’t think this is going to do anything Nova.”

Nova: “Are you a doctor?”

Me: “Nooo. But neither are you, you twat!”

During this woeful attempt to help me, various concerned colleagues joined and subsequently left us (on Nova’s instructions), insisting that we go to the hospital. Yet still he persevered with toilet paper.

I’d been cut in three separate places – one very deep wound above my left eye but below the eyebrow, another doozie above the brow and an assortment of smaller cuts just above my cheek, which also included a piece of small glass still stuck in me.

All jokes aside, I was very fortunate not to damage / lose an eye. But seeing as I didn’t, I’m now able to look back on that night with ‘fond’ memories.

Nova: “Hmm. I don’t think this is working mate.”

Me: “Jeez. What gave you that impression Doogie Howser?”

Nova: “Perhaps we ‘should’ go to the hospital?”

If you ask Nova for his version of events, he’ll tell you that he did in fact manage to stop the bleeding. Though this was only because I had physically run out of blood in the left side of my face and was about to pass out.

But to be fair to the guy, he eventually got me to the hospital and I’m sure he even passed up an opportunity for sex in order to do so.

Now that’s friendship.

We got to Guy’s and St Thomas’ around 1am and after explaining what had happened to the receptionist, took our seats in the waiting area. It was at that stage that the severity of what had happened finally hit me and I spent the next 45 minutes or so alternating between puking and passing out because of the pain.

After my third or fourth power nap, I glanced to my left and noticed a wet floor sign that wasn’t there previously.

Me: “Argh gross. Nova look, I think somebody must’ve chundered over there.”

Nova: “Not somebody. You, you idiot. The nurse had to help me move you over here!”

Me: “I see…” And I retreated into my seat wondering if the night could get any worse.

We were eventually ushered into a room around 2.30am and whilst I lay there waiting for the doctor to come back with her assessment, I suggested to Nova that he let my ex-wife know what had happened.

At the time, we were still ‘together’ but the writing was on the wall. Though in spite of this, a part of me did secretly hope that news of my ‘near death experience’ might encourage her to nurse me back to health and maybe even offer a path towards reconciliation.

Nova: “It’s going straight through to voicemail.”

Me: “Well leave a message then.”

Nova: “Hi XXX, it’s Nova here. Erm. We’re in the hospital. Sean kind of fell over and cut himself. But listen, don’t worry; I’ve had a look at it and it’s not even that serious. Annnd yah, I’m sure he’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.”

By the way, Nova’s like Prince Harry posh.

Me: “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?”

Nova: “What?”

Me: “A) you weren’t a doctor back in the gents and you’re still not a doctor now Grey’s Anatomy. And B) you might as well have told her I had a fucking cold you moron!”

Wave goodbye to the path Sean…

Wave goodbye to the path Sean…

Thankfully our lover’s tiff was interrupted by the doc’s return.

Doc: “Right we’ve had a chat about it” she said, gesturing to the nurse. “And there’s not a whole lot we can do I’m afraid.”

Me: “Huh?”

Doc: “Well we’ll obviously remove the piece of glass and put dressings on the affected areas. But unfortunately the larger cuts above your eye are too big to use glue and not big enough to warrant stitches.”

Nova: “Yah, yah. I concur.”

Doc: “In fact, aside from the dressings we probably wouldn’t have done a lot more than your friend did at the time.”

Well how about that. The night just got worse.

By the time they finished patching me up, there was no one else in the ward other than myself, Nova and the three women.

Me: “Ladies, I just wanted to say thanks again for all your help. Annnd, the one that cleaned up my puke?”

Receptionist: “Yeah, that was me.”

Me: “A special thank you to you. I know the last thing you need at the end of a night is to deal with something like that and I’m truly sorry.”

Receptionist: “That’s very sweet but don’t worry about it, honestly.”

Nova: “Hypothetically speaking though. If one wanted to send flowers to you ladies for everything you’ve done, to whom should they be addressed..?”

Oh yes.

the-force-is-strong-with-this-mother-fucker

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

86 comments on “His friends call him Nova. As in…

  1. mikemajor9
    21st November 13

    So glad to hear – after a false start – you guys actually had the sense to go to the hospital. I read an account by a woman recently here on WordPress who cut the hell out of herself in a broken window – didn’t go for proper help and very nearly bled to death. Scary stuff. But dude, keep on keeping on being this guy’s wingman whenever possible – that line with the nurses was sheer brilliance – even if you’re just picking up his scraps sounds like there’ll be a whole lot of scraps to pick up.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd November 13

      That’s where I wanted to go right from the start man! But Clooney had other ideas…

      Well it sounds like her situation was far worse. But yeah, I’m bloody glad things worked out okay EVENTUALLY.

      And believe Mike, I’m more than happy to play second fiddle to him.

      There’s actually a story about a time that I ‘mowed his lawn’ after he’d put in hours of groundwork. But let’s save that for another time…

      Like

    • Aussa Lorens
      22nd November 13

      I feel like a stalker ;)
      I’m glad you didn’t add “because she’s bat shit crazy!”
      Though I couldn’t have faulted you…
      Muahaha!

      And, Sean! Madness! Guys like Nova= egh. I can’t stand all that bravado.

      Like

      • mikemajor9
        22nd November 13

        Ha-ha! Oh Aussa, you know I love you and all your bat-shit crazy stalker awesomeness :-D

        Like

      • Sean Smithson
        22nd November 13

        Finally. Someone who seems him for who he really is… Though I still want to be him!

        Do you know, when Mike made his comment I was thinking, does he mean Aussa..? Why didn’t he just say so?

        Clearly he doesn’t know that “me and Aussa, go back like babies and pacifiers”

        Like

        • Aussa Lorens
          22nd November 13

          Hahaha I love that we both immediately KNEW. Yep… can’t be that many WordPress ladies nearly bleeding to death, at least not in the last week or two.

          This video just triggered me. I am going to go into full on mariah/whitney binge mode now.

          Like

  2. intothebeauty
    21st November 13

    Haha Nova might as well have told your ex wife, “Hey, Sean got a paper cut and ran out of chocolate milk. Just letting you know in case you ever don’t want to call him again.”

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd November 13

      Man, I wish I’d thought of that papercut line…

      But yeah, he totally fucked me, right?

      That cock blocking, Dean Martin looking, son of a bitch!

      Like

  3. Christyherself
    21st November 13

    I’m sorry you were hurt so badly…mainly because I am laughing loudly at this post. Luke Skywalker of cocksmiths? Brilliant!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd November 13

      Oh no worries Christy. They’ve all healed up pretty well over time. But it took some getting used to initially.

      Thank you though.

      More importantly, I’m glad you were laughing loudly. As then I have succeeded in my task.

      And yes, he truly is a Jedi with women. I would punch him in the face if I wasn’t so captivated by his eyes…

      Like

  4. jaifeyboy
    21st November 13

    Nova sounds like the kinda guy we all enjoy to hate… Unless he’s rocking as the wing!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      21st November 13

      Absolutely man. Though I still kind of hate him even when he’s on wing duty!

      Like

  5. The Indecisive Eejit
    21st November 13

    Aww I’m sorry about your injuries an all but seriously that was funny as feck, err the post that is lol not your wounds! :-)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd November 13

      Thank you. That’s sweet of you. Though as I was saying above, everything healed up ok…

      And like you say, there were certainly some funny moments to take away from the whole episode so it wasn’t all doom and gloom.

      Glad you enjoyed it.

      Like

  6. Frankay
    21st November 13

    Genius as ever. Nova has man-flu at the moment but I shall guide him towards this story to cheer him up. As someone with a reputation for legendry clumsiness its nice to know I don’t walk alone.

    Like

  7. Marie
    21st November 13

    Don’t you just hate it when you nearly rip your face apart you don’t even get the warrior trophy of stitches? That’s bullshit!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      21st November 13

      I know, right?

      Now it just looks like I cut myself shaving or some shit… Oh bollocks. Did I just reveal that I shape my eyebrows..?

      Like

  8. Eva St. James
    21st November 13

    I love this. The gifs, everything, really well done. Thank you for several laughs.

    Like

  9. shivs27
    21st November 13

    Nova sounds like you should send him my way

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      21st November 13

      Ah you see now you’re someone I would usually be interested in. So by my earlier observation, you ‘may’ not be his type… But of course I’d be more than happy to pass on your photo. Though perhaps you should send me a few just to be on the safe side.

      Like

      • shivs27
        22nd November 13

        You like the messy ones, eh? Haha, don’t! It’s an awful photo. But it was all I could find of me without my face really. Maybe I should send some to be on the safe side

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          22nd November 13

          I think that’s probably best.

          Like

          • shivs27
            22nd November 13

            What does he like? Shall send accordingly

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            22nd November 13

            I can only assume that you’re talking about pictures? So I’d say full nudity.

            Though if you were able to hold a piece of fruit or something at the same time that would be great as he’s into still life drawings and that sort of shit.

            Of course if you’re uncomfortable with nudity, a picture of you holding a picture of a naked chick would also suffice I’m sure.

            Like

          • shivs27
            22nd November 13

            These options involve taking new photos.. I’m far too lazy for that. I have a wide selection of monkey faces on offer though

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            22nd November 13

            I’ll take them.

            Like

          • shivs27
            22nd November 13

            Will you also provide the fruit?

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            22nd November 13

            But of course.

            Like

          • shivs27
            22nd November 13

            Okay. Game on.

            Like

  10. lexborgia
    22nd November 13

    You’ve contaminated my mind, son: my first theory about the left side of your face running out of blood was “your body was hurriedly storing it in ‘the dick locker’ in case a real emergency materialised, like having to bone a hospital biatch on short notice, because Smithson, even at death’s door, never disappoints. .

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd November 13

      I think we may have just found our winner for the date..?

      Ha. That’s brilliant man. But no, I can assure you. No blood was being diverted.

      That fuckwit waited till I was fully drained before getting me out of there.

      Like

  11. nancytex2013
    22nd November 13

    Nova rocks! ;-)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd November 13

      He certainly does rock… the bed that is! Badum tsshhh

      Thank you. I’m here all night… Week… Essentially until my parents kick me out.

      Like

  12. MeglyMc
    22nd November 13

    Lothario? I just call you a whore. But, like an endearment. You know…a charming sort of whore…the kind you want to just smile and shake your head fondly and say, “Ohhhh, that Sean…whatever shall we do with him?” :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd November 13

      Ha. If only every woman thought of me that way Megan. If only…

      Do you know, I finally submitted my book title and tag line to the publishers earlier this week and you’ve toally screwed everything up with that ‘charming sort of whore’ comment… Maybe it’s not too late to change it.

      Like

  13. butimbeautiful
    22nd November 13

    The guy has his wits about him!

    Like

  14. honeydidyouseethat?
    23rd November 13

    Ohhh what a night. I think you should kick Clooney to the curb. He’s a quack, as my late father-in law used to say.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th November 13

      I’d love to kick him to the curb Shelley but he’s like a magnet for hot chicks. And he’s also a fairly able doctor… evidently!

      Like

  15. cpmandara
    23rd November 13

    Ladies like men with scars… it’s all about bad boy attractiveness. Don’t worry about passing out at the sight of a little blood… we can’t all be brave ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      24th November 13

      Trust me Christina, I could have as many facial scars as Edward Scissorhands and I still wouldn’t be able to pull off the bad boy look. But thank you.

      And regarding the passing out; I suppose you’re right. After all, it wasn’t even that serious was it…

      Like

  16. Julie
    26th November 13

    What a captivating story! I also read the one about the girl jumping out the window. I once ripped my hands apart, called the dr and described the “white rubberband looking thing” across my knuckle. Yep. That is called a tendon. and nothing was done for me either. My daughter got lucky with her eyes as well, our doberman put 75 stitches in her face when she was about 14 months old…so happy he missed her eye!

    Do I have to comment more often for the win? like every comment gets you another chance to win?

    Like

    • Julie
      26th November 13

      Oh and if you are lucky, (like I am) you are much better off without the ex around. Of course I hope someone would have kidnapped me if I started even thinking reconcilliation.

      Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th November 13

      Wow. Your daughter was very fortunate. I can’t imagine what that would’ve been like for you…

      Ha. To be honest, I have no idea what my selection process is. Regularity definitely counts for something though!

      I suspect that when the book is finished and I take a step back from the blog, I may announce the unfortunate winner. So I guess you still have to stick around for a while. Sorry.

      Like

      • Julie
        27th November 13

        It was hard enough as it was, I can’t imagine her having lost an eye. I cried every time I looked at her for about 2 weeks. 20 some years later I don’t even notice it-much-anymore.

        Regularity. got it. Not that I have a snowballs chance in hell, but you never know. See how optimistic I am? I haven’t had the time to poke around much but I am a bit of a bad penny, just keep coming back so maybe it’s me that should be sorry…

        Like

        • Julie
          27th November 13

          Oh wait!!! I got it! Naked pictures! See? I am smart too!

          Like

  17. Sonam Yangchen
    29th November 13

    Haha! What a great story! I also loved the Alcohol story, maybe even a little more. Thanks for the like on my post!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      29th November 13

      Thank you. I’m pleased you enjoyed this. Though I can’t claim credit for the alcohol story I’m afraid. Stick around though. You may find others that you like… Perhaps even more so than the alcohol one?

      Regarding the like; my pleasure. I am currently perusing through the rest…

      Like

      • Sonam Yangchen
        29th November 13

        I’m still a newbie at this blogging schmlogging so I truly appreciate the likes and follow!
        Currently reading through ‘How to stay single in your 30’s’ and finding it pleasantly relatable!

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          29th November 13

          Ah now that one I can claim responsibility for. Glad you liked it. And I see from the stats that you are having a good old rummage around the site…

          I know this because you are my very first visitor from Bhutan and let me say that that’s pretty awesome.

          Regardless of whether you’re a seasoned blogger (I’m certainly not one) or a complete newbie, it’s always a nice feeling to be noticed. Keep at it and I’m sure the likes/follows will flood in.

          Like

  18. TIA
    16th December 13

    So…..were you able to get lucky with any of the medical staff on your way out?…. Say the receptionist that was, more than likely, lured in by your charm??!…. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      16th December 13

      Ha. On a regular, maybe? And even then I’m not sure. But that night with the whole Phantom of the Opera thing going on with my face..? No chance.

      I’m not sure about Nova though. She definitely told him her name but whether or not he followed through with the flowers thing, I can’t remember.

      Like

  19. Maison Bentley Style
    24th December 13

    Have an amazing, blood free, alcohol frenzied Christmas! xxx

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th December 13

      I’m afraid that Christmas wasn’t as alcohol frenzied as I would’ve liked. But on the upside, there were no injuries!

      Hopefully yours was a drunken success.

      Like

  20. List of X
    8th February 14

    Honestly, for the guy like Nova it probably wasn’t about missing an opportunity to have sex with someone at a party, but may have been about the opportunity to do get close and personal with a sexy nurse at a hospital. If you had been passed out for long enough, he might have already achieved that goal while you were out.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th February 14

      You know what man, I think you’re absolutely right. I can’t believe I didn’t see that until now.

      That whole “who should I send them to” was just a cover-up. Like Samuel L said, the force is strong…

      Like

      • List of X
        9th February 14

        Maybe it was because he’d already done it with all of them, but only had money for one bouquet.

        Like

  21. La La
    27th February 14

    I felt extremely embarrassed while reading this and sunk into my seat before laughing. I’ve wiped out in front of many and would absolutely rely on stitches to help out my case. Kind of like when I fall and it hurts but a bruise never shows up. Lame. Glad you’re okay though!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th February 14

      Oh fuck. La La, I completely forgot to add you to my side bar when I was performing website surgery earlier today. Forgive me.

      I’m in bed now so it’ll have to wait till tomorrow. If you’re reading this through the WP app or reader, you won’t have a clue what I’m talking about…

      Anyway. No need to feel embarrassed. I’m glad you laughed. Permanent scars on my face aside, the whole experience was quite funny looking back. Thanks to Nova. That sexy sunnavabitch.

      Like

      • La La
        27th February 14

        Haha, I am reading on the app….but I’ll check it out tomorrow. Go to bed already!

        Like

  22. unknown
    27th February 14

    Excellent use of the ‘I know I puked but I think you’re all angels and really cute’ sympathy ploy with the nurses at the end, there. And the receptionist, obviously. A demi-angel. Great call to the wife, as well. He meant well, but with friends like that…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th February 14

      I thought so too man. But as always Nova was thinking one step ahead. Wanker.

      Ha. If by great, you mean fucking woeful then yes, it was a great call.

      Like

      • unknown
        27th February 14

        That’s a decent definition in my book…

        Like

  23. Trent Lewin
    27th February 14

    Is it wrong that I completely like this Nova guy, especially when he chimes in and starts agreeing with the Doc? Sean, this is the first time I’ve ever read “Luke Skywalker” and “cocksmith” in the same sentence… so I thank you for that. As a small-town kid from Crawley who used to hang out watching planes at Gatwick, I give you a huge thumbs up for entertaining me yet again… seems to me like you can do no wrong.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th February 14

      It would be wrong if you didn’t completely like him Trent! Yes, that ‘I concur’ line was outstanding and if I remember correctly, I even mentioned that at my leaving speech – I gave personal thank yous to all of the Frat-Pack.

      Thanks for the kind words man. I’m glad you’re still sticking around these parts.

      Like

  24. MissSteele
    27th February 14

    Brilliant. Brilliant Cocksmith.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th February 14

      Isn’t he just. I assume you were talking about him and not me, right..?

      Like

      • MissSteele
        27th February 14

        Both, actually. I just really enjoy using that word as much as possible.

        Like

  25. Gobetween
    27th February 14

    Sounds painful my whole face hurts now. Nova is so much like my brother taking the credit for everything that goes right and always checking out the local talent.http://answeritsa.wordpress.com/

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th February 14

      It’s a good thing I was so drunk at the time or it would’ve hurt a whole lot more I’m sure.. Your brother sounds like my kind of guy.

      Like

  26. snarkysnatch
    27th February 14

    My GAWD Sean! You have more traffic than my vagina. I am stealing your waving kitty kat gif. I am always a sucker for a pussy that waves.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th February 14

      I don’t even know how to top that comment Snarks… This is why you’re at the top of the recommended reading list.

      Like

  27. Shelley
    28th February 14

    Still a great read the second time around. Love Nova concurring with the doc. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th February 14

      Yes, if there was any ‘silver lining’ at all that night it was that line for sure. Or perhaps the one about the flowers? God, he’s a smooth bastard.

      Sorry that I keep feeding you recycled items by the way. I’m very conscious that a lot of new readers won’t have seen some of these though (hardly anyone seems to look at older posts).

      That being said, the piece before this is brand spanking new. If you ignore the fact that I stole it from Curious Emily that is!

      Like

  28. justagirlinnyc
    11th March 14

    I’m so missing your stories…I can’t wait your version of the walk of shame. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th March 14

      You’re back! I’ve missed you… Though, walk of shame?

      Liked by 1 person

      • justagirlinnyc
        11th March 14

        Thanks Sean!! Because of your Twitter stalking, I’m sitting at an Italian restaurant outside in NYC…& drinking too much wine planning my come back!! This too, when I noticed my last comment was that I would show up in crotchless panties to date with you. :)

        I am working for a UK (London) based company now. This could happen sans crotchless panties..perhaps none.

        Walk of shame? I just read a blog post about someone waking beside you after an evening of adventure Super Stud. :) xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

        • Sean Smithson
          12th March 14

          Ha. OK now I follow. But I’m afraid I shan’t be writing about it. Which is good news for you if you ever make it to London.

          Like

          • justagirlinnyc
            12th March 14

            Ahh. So, you are a gentleman..and it is somewhat anonymous if I were to have the crotchless panties (wink wink). Lucky for you..my shameless search for romance has led me through a carnival of fat, balding men, some questionably gay men in NYC.
            Shame that you’re not closer.

            Although, it’s funnier is that you know what I actually look like & etc. Before I change my connection.

            Xox

            Like

  29. coruscantbookshelf
    29th May 14

    ‘Scuse me… what does Luke Skywalker have to do with any of this?

    Like

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