The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

The Heist – Part II

Read Part I here

Of course, the whole gift gesture was supposed to be a surprise but after a quick assessment of the lamp, I realised that this was no job for just one person.

It was bloody heavy for starters and consisted of four parts – a metal base, a tempered glass shade, a ‘thing’ that not only connected these two items but also housed the light source; and the light source itself, which is the closest thing to an ‘arc reactor’ that I’ve ever seen. Ok so this lady seems to have lost hers but usually, it’s located in the middle of the chest.

rc4379-cropOn top of that there was an overhead camera to the left of us and of most concern; we were on the 28th floor of the Hilton, Park Lane.

Oh yeah, one more thing. And I’m not just saying this as it makes the meme easier later on but there was also a security guard patrolling the exit who had a striking resemblance to Morpheus from the Matrix.

So with a heavy, almost apologetic heart, I informed the others of my intentions and though the cat was now out of the bag, what followed was something truly unforgettable.

By about 11pm the bar was relatively full, which was when we decided to put our plan into action.

Standing up, pretending to have a conversation at our table before heading to the bar, Twin A and Panda obscured the view of the camera (we hoped). In that time, Twin D and I successfully dismantled the lamp (with D actually scorching his fingers on the arc reactor it was that hot) and placed the various parts on the floor beside our chairs.

Stage 2: Sliding the connector and the base to the others under the table once they’d returned from the bar;

Stage 3: Trying to act incognito whilst finishing our drinks and settling our tab;

Stage 4: Collecting everyone’s cloakroom tokens and fetching their coats;

Stage 5: Concealing our respective parts under our coats and casually exiting the bar; and

Stage 6: Entering the lift, pressing G and getting fuck out of there. Or that was the plan anyway.

We made it to stage five unscathed but as we were approaching the lifts, Twin A started to slow down.

“Wait a second boys, I just heard the lady at the door saying ‘they’re leaving now’ over her walkie-talkie.”

And sure enough, moments later Morpheus started to appear from down the corridor. Now a lesser man would’ve panicked. But as the great Michael Caine once said:

The (real) Italian Job - fanpop.com

The (real) Italian Job – fanpop.com

The best ‘lift’ I’ve ever witnessed was from the Surgeon on my 21st Birthday, again, at a bar in Covent Garden. You all must think that pick-pocketing runs in our blood and that we hate Covent Garden but I can assure you that’s not the case.

I’d hired the back room, which had been separated from the rest of the bar by a fairly large, red, velvet curtain. And for one reason or another, my brother had decided that it would look better in his room.

Getting it down was an achievement in itself but it was how he got it off the premises that warrants applause.

He slung it over his shoulders, tied the drawstrings around his neck and proceeded to walk out of the bar, wearing it as some sort of cape. In fact, so confident was he in his approach that he even stopped to have a brief conversation with the bouncer on the door!

Super Surgeon - presentermedia.com

Super Bro

We often reminisce about how he pulled it off and it always comes down to these three things:

1. You have to be drunk enough to think that you can actually get away with it (which has the added benefit of numbing the pain if you get caught and subsequently punched in the face);

2. You have to convince security you’ve got nothing to hide; and

3. The item almost has to become a part of you.

Now unfortunately I couldn’t ‘wear’ the lamp out of there. But I’d achieved (1) about an hour earlier and as you’ll see, I had a plan for (2).

Me: “Err chaps, I’ve just realised that it may be a while before we get to the next venue. We should probably make use of the facilities here, don’t you think?”

The others: “Oh yeeeah, good call?” And en masse we made for the cloakroom, just as Morpheus was approaching.

Panda Bear: “What the fuck are we going to do?”

Twin D: “Yeah, they know we’re hiding the lamp in our coats.”

Me: “That’s right. Which is why we’re going to let them be searched.”

The others: “Huh?”

Me: “Look, everyone give me what they’re holding.” And I proceeded to bury the various components in the used hand-towels bin in the men’s room. “We’re going to check our coats again, say we changed our minds and stick around for another drink. And whilst we’re at the bar, I fully expect that jobsworth wanker to ask the attendant which coats belong to us.”

Twin D: “And when he doesn’t find anything, he’ll think that maybe we didn’t take it after all?”

Me: “Exactly. And if he searches us at the bar, he won’t find anything either.”

Twin A: “Mate, you’re far too clever to work in tax.” Ok, so he never really said that but it’s true. I should’ve just been a criminal.

As predicted, Morpheus made his way to the cloakroom shortly after we had returned to the bar. And I’ll never forget the look he gave me from across the floor when he returned empty-handed.

u+mad+amirite+im+right+_f204ab4591633b81fd4533c84cbf4a80

All that was left to do was to wait it out and we were home free.

I forget what time we eventually left but we hadn’t seen Morpheus for a good 20 minutes or so and figured he’d finally accepted that there were far more pressing things in life than a missing lamp.

Rather than share the burden like before, I decided to take full responsibility for the operation and hid the re-assembled lamp in the sleeve of my coat.

Intercom person: “Doors closing.”

Me: “Boys, as the saying goes, the best things come to those who wait.”

Intercom person: “Ground Floor. Doors opening.”

Twin A: “NO.”

Panda Bear: “FUCKING”

Twin D: “WAY.”

Me: “Seriously? What is this guy’s problem?”

LOVE LAMP REMIX

Morpheus: “Good evening gentlemen.”

All of us: “Yeah… hi…”

Morpheus: “You guys were on the 28th floor tonight, right?”

Me: You fucking know we were you clown. “Yeah, I believe so. That’s the floor Galvin restaurant is on, right?”

Morpheus: “AND bar don’t forget.”

Me: “Oh yeah, sorry. And bar. Why? Is there a problem?”

Morpheus: “Yes, I’m afraid there is actually. You see, you guys were seated at booth 12 and the table-lamp for that booth appears to have gone missing.”

Me: “Table-lamp? Hmm… I don’t know about you guys but I can’t recall there being one, can you?”

The others: “Nope. Can’t remember a table-lamp.”

Morpheus: “Really? That’s odd. As we commissioned those lamps specially in ‘10 and have had one on every table since.”

[Note: I Googled this the next day and again when I was writing this and never found anything to support his claim but I guess it explained why he had such a hard-on for us.]

Me: “Ok so look, here’s the thing. There was A lamp. But we knocked it over and broke it by accident. And we were too embarrassed to tell anyone so we just swept the broken pieces under the chairs. We’re really sorry.”

Morpheus: “Wow, you’ve got an answer for everything don’t you?”

Who is this guy? My ex-wife.

I kid, I kid. She’s lovely. And she also reads these stories. Now where was I?I kid, I kid. She’s lovely. And she also reads these stories.

Now where was I?

Me: “You asked me a question. I’m answering.”

Morpheus: “Well the thing is, if that was true, then our staff would’ve found the broken bits under your chairs but the area was totally clean.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you I’m afraid. But we’re actually on our way to Whisky Mist [a nightclub also located within the Hilton] so if…”

It turns out that I’m clearly better at dismantling things then assembling them. As before I could even finish my sentence, the base of the lamp fell out of my coat sleeve and onto the floor with an almighty clang.

“OHHHH. THAT LAMP.”

Cab fare to Park Lane – £20. Meal for four at Galvin at Windows – £284.63. The looks on our faces outside when we realised we still had the arc reactor and that without it, the lamp was fucking useless – PRICELESS. For everything else…

mastercard

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

104 comments on “The Heist – Part II

  1. Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth
    12th December 13

    Another great post but definitely disappointed by the lack of 1D and Justine Beiber. Admittedly, this may have been difficult in the sequel of a seemingly true story, but for instance, couldn’t you have changed the lamp to a 1D poster you were trying to steal, or even Justin Beiber himself? Think of the possibilities…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      ‘Seemingly?’ Why I oughta…

      I swear to you Marissa, this story is completely kosher. Though I doubt the bans would hold up in Court today.

      Going back to add Bieber to the tags now…

      Maybe I can swap his face for Morpheus’? Then at least there’d be some sort of connection.

      Like

      • Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth
        12th December 13

        I believe you Sean…good one on the Beiber!

        Like

  2. lukewinterborne
    12th December 13

    I rather suspect that George Takei would gladly have been your wife ;-) Hilarious post, as usual.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      Ah so that’s who that is… Glad you’re continuing to enjoy them man. And as usual, I appreciate the visits.

      Like

  3. markbialczak
    12th December 13

    Nice heist, almost. One time a group of my friends managed to get away from a comedy club with an eight-foot-high decorative beer bottle. I forget the brand. I think it was imported, not domestic USA. Anyway, they were certain they were spotted, and had stealers’ remorse to boot. Besides, nobody wanted it for their personal use. So they asked me politely if I would bring the darn thing back to the comedy club and place it in such-and-such corner. Which I did, without a lick of trouble but with two raised eyebrows from the owner of the club.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      I know man. We came so close… I was even tempted to ask him if I could just buy it but where’s the honour in that?

      An eight foot tall beer bottle? Those are some shitty friends man. Well done you for returning it though.

      Glad you liked the story.

      Like

  4. honeydidyouseethat?
    12th December 13

    Ha! Ha! Excellent.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      Almost excellent Shelley… I told you I could’ve used your husband!

      Like

  5. intothebeauty
    12th December 13

    Oh Sean. You never cease to amaze me. Too bad you couldn’t snag that lamp! If I lived in London, we’d be best friends. Just sayin.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      Best friends who would let one another get to third base?

      Yeah, even though I would’ve given it to Twin D, I really wanted it man.

      Like

      • intothebeauty
        13th December 13

        Hahahah do people even run bases anymore? I always thought people just hit homeruns and slide right into home.

        Like

  6. intothebeauty
    12th December 13

    P.S. I hope your post name came from Big L! Such a good song!

    Like

  7. lexborgia
    12th December 13

    Ever heard the saying ‘quit while you’re ahead!’ Moron. You were busted after “they’re leaving now” crackled thru the walkie-talkie; that was the red pill hitting the bottom of your stomach. The blue pill ceases to work after the red one is set on motion. 2. You can’t win against Morpheus. Moron,

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      Can’t think of a witty response right now my friend. Most likely because you’re absolutely right. But I shall try…

      I’m taking you with me if I ever go back by the way.

      Like

  8. anonymousapathetic
    12th December 13

    What a shame, criteria number three requires the withdrawal of my entry. Subsequently, when you do choose a winner- perhaps you should consider stealing third base, in efforts to redeem yourself. ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      Oooh I like it. I like it a lot. But you know, whatever… Your loss.

      Like

      • anonymousapathetic
        12th December 13

        Aha! I am willing to pretend that is concession to my supremacy! Muahahah aha ahaha (how could I suffer any loss if I wouldn’t otherwise have been the prospective winner?)

        Like

  9. nancytex2013
    12th December 13

    GAH! You were SO close!

    Like

  10. cotswoldsgirl
    12th December 13

    Third base, third base, hmmm I’ve never been sure what third base is.
    Is that the one involving the creative use of an organic cucumber and a couple of radishes whilst soixante-neufing in a rowing boat on the Thames, with an hors d’oeuvre of light frottage to whet the appetite, and reverse cowgirl for dessert?
    I mean, I like that one, but it doesn’t leave much to aspire to for fourth base. And I’m worried you’d only get turned on if I rocked up with a stolen item of street lighting (‘is that a lampost in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?’).

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      Your version of third base is A LOT better than mine. Let’s go with that.

      Forget fourth base. And the street light…

      Like

  11. Spankalicious
    12th December 13

    hahahahaha!!

    I met Morpheus. On the Matrix set. I’d be totally shitting myself if a guy that resembled him was chasing me down about a lamp. You haz balls :D

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th December 13

      Seriously? Laurence Fishburne is the fucking man.

      Ha. You’re right. Normally I would never have attempted to take him on but as my brother says… Once you’re the right level of drunk, anything is possible…

      Like

      • Spankalicious
        12th December 13

        Yup, Mr Fishburne is … well hot making. I got all flustered and my latex top split with my ample bossom flying out to greet him hello (it had nothing to do with the 30 degree weather or the fact that we’d been sitting around in rubber for 4 hours I’m sure it was just because he was there and chatting and my tits had a fangirl moment).

        The guy has a sense of humour at least =) The joys of being an extra on the matrix eh?!

        Well yes, drunkness always seems to give you the added ball to make the insane seem credible and totally achievable.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          13th December 13

          30 degree heat, latex suits, ample bossoms flashing Morpheus… It was all too much…

          I’ve only just regained consciousness.

          Like

          • Spankalicious
            13th December 13

            Ops. I wish I could say sorry. But I’m not :)

            Like

  12. Mr Peeved
    12th December 13

    I thought this was going ro rival oceans 11, but turned into Mr Bean. Nice try! The only thing I’ve been game enough to steal is sugar packets from cafes.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      Have you ever been wasted in those cafés? That will help you to lose your inhibitions.

      Sorry to disappoint you. I too was hoping to pull off the role of Danny Ocean but you’re right, I was actually more like Bean.

      Do they ever reveal his first name on the show by the way..?

      Like

      • Mr Peeved
        15th December 13

        Bill, middle name Broad.

        The only time I was wasted in a cafe was in Amsterdam. I don’t remember much.

        Like

  13. thehowlingfantogs
    12th December 13

    That would have been an epic achievement getting that lamp. I think Lara into the beauty would be best choice for the date. She’s a hotty.

    Like

  14. The Indecisive Eejit
    13th December 13

    Just brilliant! It certainly seems like you had a very illuminating evening :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      I see what you did there and I like it a lot. Are you willing to travel..?

      Like

      • The Indecisive Eejit
        13th December 13

        Lol so not only do you want a table lamp but you want a green light as well! Hmm it has been a while since I visited Madame Tousywhatsits lol

        Like

  15. Aussa Lorens
    13th December 13

    I loved every word of this damn thing. I can’t believe it slipped out of your coat… Maybe it was his Morpheus power beckoning it to return to him, but at least you retained a souvenir. That’s all that matters.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      Ha. Maybe… Though I’m glad it was the base and not the shade that fell out as I really do think that may have warranted a punch in the face.

      Very pleased you enjoyed it. And actually, I think we lost the arc reactor in the next bar we visited. So in truth, all I have to show for it is that bill and a lifetime ban…

      Was it worth it? Absolutely.

      Like

  16. justagirlinnyc
    13th December 13

    Ha!! I love how you add in the whole dating contest in the end!! I’m sure that it would be an adventure…third base is awesome.

    Thanks again for the laughter.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      My pleasure.

      By the way, is that your confirmation that you would be willing to let me get there with you..?

      Like

  17. sozsatire
    13th December 13

    Help me out here bro. How the hell did you get your ass banned from Strawberry Moons? I’ve been trying for years! Hell I even fire-bombed the ladies toilets once!
    “Legend” doesn’t even begin to do you justice my man.
    Great story btw :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      Ha. Thank you kindly sir. That’s very kind of you to say.

      The Strawberry Moons ban was revealed in Part I.

      I almost stole a fire extinguisher from there. Just as well I didn’t though! However I can’t believe they didn’t offer you the same reward for your efforts?

      Like

  18. gingerfightback
    13th December 13

    Sorry to hear you got caught. Did they let you keep the lamp as a kinda “well done son ” gesture and if so I hope it uses a low energy bulb.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      Judging by the screams of Twin D when he handled the arc reactor, I’d say that lamp was about as energy inefficient as you could get.

      No, you would think Morpheus would’ve done given the lengths we went to. Not to mention that was probably the most excitement he’d had on his shift for some time. But no, as you can see from the bans, he wasn’t a very charitable sort.

      Like

  19. lazylauramaisey
    13th December 13

    Brilliant. Just brilliant. I wouldn’t expect anything less. And where would be the story if you’d been successful? Your blog has benefitted from your loss :-)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th December 13

      Thank you kindly Laura.

      And yes, even though I would’ve loved to have presented it to Twin D in front of everyone, it just wouldn’t have felt the same, you know.

      Like

  20. The Hook
    14th December 13

    Hilarious work, buddy!

    Like

  21. evolution
    14th December 13

    I’ll have to admit my cultural naiveté here, but is this a normal pastime in London!? I used to steal lawn ornaments from people’s gardens at night, collect them over several days and then decorate one lucky person’s front garden with the entire collection, but our victims were sleeping and eeeh, we were 16? ;) Your game sounds thrilling, nonetheless, and I can only imagine the adrenaline rush as you attempted to escape with your precious artifact! Funny. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th December 13

      Judging from the comments, I’d say it’s a fairly normal pastime anywhere? When drunk of course.

      And hang on a second. What you did was far worse surely?

      Not only were you stealing from private residences (bars and restaurants expect my kind of behaviour) but you were then implicating someone else in your crime…

      I think I’ve met my master.

      Like

      • evolution
        15th December 13

        I’ve been doing all of my partying under a rock with the most unadventurous people, apparently, as I swear I’d never heard of this…and I feel kind of cheated now too, having missed out. I promise to take you along ornament stealing if you’re willing to trek to middle America where fake deer and garden gnomes are prolific? ;)

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          15th December 13

          Just say the word… And I’ve already been to the East and the West a number of times so this makes even more sense.

          Like

          • evolution
            15th December 13

            OK deal, as I would want you to experience a flyover state at least once in your life! Do be forewarned that my uncles may coerce you into rifle target practice in the woods, but don’t worry, they’re harmless..one of them is an organic farmer and the other is in life insurance. Oh yeah, and Brits don’t typically make it that far in, so people will ask you to just talk…it’s very sweet, actually. ;)

            Like

  22. Expat Eye
    16th December 13

    Brilliant! So close ;) I’m usually just happy to get out of a bar with all of my own stuff (rare) ;)
    I would love to see a pic of you wearing a lamp though!! :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      16th December 13

      If only the shade wasn’t made of glass… Then I probably would’ve given it a go.

      Like

      • Expat Eye
        16th December 13

        It would have heightened the sense of adventure ;)

        Like

  23. Pingback: Here comes 2014! | The Indecisive Eejit

  24. Julie
    17th December 13

    SEAN!!! THIS IS SO FUNNY!! I don’t understand how you managed to get away with the majority of that lamp! Oh dear, the distance between us is good. We would get into so much mischief that I don’t know if we would manage to keep out of jail. I sincerely believe we would just feed off each other and it would just continue to digress… Seriously. I wasn’t able to not lol while reading this. I will have to come back to check all the comments, as I usually find them entertaining as well, but well, work happens. Or it is supposed to be now anyway.

    Like

    • Julie
      17th December 13

      Oh and I loved the brother with the cape. Everyone needs a cape. Classic.

      Like

    • Sean Smithson
      18th December 13

      Wait. Do you mean getting to the ground floor or actually out of the hotel? As we only made it out of there with the arc reactor. And even that we lost later on…

      When you say mischief, I presume you mean of the sexual kind yes?

      Glad you were unable to not LOL at this one. As otherwise I would’ve had to assume that you didn’t understand English. Or were just really against the theft of lamps.

      How’s work?

      Like

  25. Trent Lewin
    14th January 14

    Dude, you’re still not showing up in my reader! I’ll figure it out and be back for this post… I have fond memories of the real Italian Job.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th January 14

      The original version is so much better than the remake isn’t it. Yes, I saw that you’d un-followed then followed. I tried the same to remedy this problem on another blog and it did nothing. Oh well… At least I know that you’re there in spirit.

      Although when you say that I’m not coming up in your reader, I haven’t posted anything new for some time so perhaps there isn’t actually a problem?

      Like

      • Trent Lewin
        15th January 14

        I was five when I saw the original, still in Crawley. My parents made me go to bed right before the ending, I’ll never forget the sheer disappointment. I never knew the name of the movie. When I was in uni, I ran a across a newspaper article about the best car chases of all time, and there was a paragraph devoted to mini morrises in this one chase scene… bang, I had the name of the movie, went out and got a VHS tape of it, played it avidly, all the while dying to know how it finally ended. Only to realize that my parents hadn’t sent me off early. The movie just ended like that, with the bus on the cliff. All those years (about 20) thinking I had missed something, when I hadn’t. Snarf.

        I don’t know about the reader, I checked today and I think I saw some more recent stuff, but I will check again. This happens sometimes, to people, but I don’t know why. Some wordpress fairies or something.

        Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th January 14

      1 – You might be right about the spaghetti actually.
      2 – Porn is definitely better in the office, yes.
      3 – If anyone is reading this and wondering what the hell is going on… http://nickidaniels.com/2014/01/14/38-special/#comment-2169

      Like

      • Trent Lewin
        15th January 14

        Office porn only really works if the office is occupied. Office sex only works if the office is empty. Mark my words.

        Like

  26. bloggedartistry
    25th February 14

    Every word was pure magic! Don’t you know Morpheus is still searching every customer’s face looking for yours lol

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th February 14

      Thanks a lot man, glad you enjoyed this one. It still brings a smile to my face too.

      I really hope not as in spite of that fairly forgettable meal, I’d like to go back one day…

      Like

  27. geemolina
    25th February 14

    This is hilariously fun. I’m thinking of ermm.. ermm.. ;) *wink wink*

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th February 14

      Thanks very much Geemolina. It certainly wasn’t at the time but we tried, right?

      Like

      • geemolina
        25th February 14

        Yeah surely. I would trade anything in the world to be part of this adventure. Hehe :P

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          25th February 14

          Ha. Really?

          Well the Avengers (the film version) had four guys – fuck Hawkeye or whatever his name was; I swear he was never in the comics – and a girl so you’re more than welcome to join us on our next heist if you like?

          Like

  28. sozsatire
    25th February 14

    This man is ripped to the tits on anecdote enhancing drugs! He is the Lance Armstrong of the blogeratti and must be stopped!
    I demand that you all remove your comments immediately and denounce this charlatan to the IBFA International Blogging Fuckers Association.
    Do it for our children and for this great country of ours my friends and if you’re not British then do it for your second rate and decidedly mediocre country.
    Dont let the cheats win! HUZZAH!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th February 14

      Unfortunately for you Mr Danton, I sit on the board of the IBFA. But I’ll make sure someone ‘addresses’ your concerns…

      Like

      • sozsatire
        25th February 14

        ^^^^^^^^ Rampant, drug-fuelled cyber bully in full cry there folks. :(

        Like

  29. Blossom Brouillard
    25th February 14

    Another great post! Love the expression “flash”! Never heard it before. Might have to borrow it. Also love the cool Michael Caine graphic.

    Like

  30. claudsramblings
    25th February 14

    I actually thought my friends and I were the only one who played this game! Though we call it ‘team steal’ the idea being that you split into two groups and whoever leaves said venue with the best thing wins. Nothing tangible, well other than whatever stupid thing you happened to steal… Another thoroughly enjoyable read, that has made me laugh out loud mid lecture. Oops.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th February 14

      No, certainly not alone on that one Claud. If I may call you that?

      In fact, the night my brother lifted the curtain, I made out with some sort of wall light / lantern holder thing (as in I stole it rather than tried to tongue it, just to be clear) and my friend Poitier left with not only the flushing mechanism from one of the toilets, but also a ceiling speaker! It’s a wonder that place didn’t shut down immediately after that night…

      I’m glad you’re continuing to enjoy reading these stories. Though I apologise if it’s landed you in any trouble / awkardness. And I noticed you liked Emily’s piece too. You should definitely give her other stuff a read if you have a spare moment.

      Speaking of reading in spare moments. I liked your latest post, though I can’t help but think you may end up getting yourself in hot water juggling all these suitors..?

      And for those of us with fuck all love life, a bit more detail when writing about the sex please. Thank you kindly.

      Like

      • claudsramblings
        25th February 14

        Claud would be perfect. Bizarrely I did read the whole ‘make out’ things as kissing a wall light which confused me, so yes the clarification was entirely necessary!

        I did really enjoy that post actually and I will go have a read of some of her other stuff, anything that makes me laugh can’t be bad. As for the ‘suitors’ I think I may be on very thin ice, though unfortunately I am one of those types who has to learn by doing rather than by being told… No doubt there’ll be a sob story in a month or so.

        By the way, I solemnly swear that next time I have sex, I will take notes and write them up beautifully for all to see. (Maybe mental notes, I think a pad and pen might look suspicious)

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          25th February 14

          I mean, if it’ll help at all I can come along and take notes for you..? It’d make for a better blog post I’m sure…

          Too far?

          Like

          • claudsramblings
            25th February 14

            I’ll get the champagne chilling and felt tips at the ready.

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            25th February 14

            That could’ve gone one of two ways… Thankfully it went the way I was hoping.

            I like you Claud.

            Like

  31. nancytex2013
    25th February 14

    This is worth a second like and comment. :-)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th February 14

      Ha. Thank you kindly Nancy.

      Yes, I know it’s a bit naughty reposting old stuff but for some reason, people never seem to look at any of my older stuff..? Plus, I’m fucking lazy.

      Though that being said, there is a new story up. A collaboration of sorts. Hope you like that one too. She’s a great writer.

      Like

      • nancytex2013
        25th February 14

        I’m weeding through my reader as we speak. This fucking ‘work’ thing is already a pain in my ass. Oh to be independently wealthy and not have to work. (Says the ungrateful bitch who just landed an executive position with a fully supported work-from-home set up…) I know, I’m being a cow for complaining. Carry on.

        Like

  32. Daniel Nest
    27th February 14

    Well judging by your clumsy lamp-handling skills, I don’t feel comfortable letting you get to third base. I hope you understand.

    Man, up until that last part this thing was reading like “Ocean’s 11,” except without Ocean and with fewer members, and with lower stakes. OK, so it wasn’t anything like “Ocean’s 11,” but impressive nonetheless.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      27th February 14

      Man, it’s SUCH a shame that you made that remark about third base, as this comment would have won you that date for sure otherwise!

      “Wasn’t anything like Ocean’s 11″ is still good enough for me.

      Oh, and I’ve come up with a solution to the whole reader/email/follow bullshit. I’m adding you to the side bar so that way I can just stop by whenever it suits. Luckily, your back catalogue is so vast, I’ll still have stuff to read even if there are no new posts.

      Like

  33. lifeconfusions
    3rd March 14

    Hahaha, Sean, you and your adventures !
    I do have one burning question in my mind, where is that arc reactor now? I hope it is sitting on your mantle loud and proud, a testament to “Boo Ya Morpheus, In your face!”.
    Such crazy things you guys do, I wish I was a part of this. Although at that time I would have been shitting my pants but it made a good story in the end nevertheless!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      4th March 14

      As I said above to another blogger, we need a female member. So if you’re ever in London…

      And as for the reactor, sadly, no. We lost it pretty much straight away on account of being hammered.

      Like

      • lifeconfusions
        5th March 14

        Aah, not in the next four years atleast. Studying awaits you know…But I’m probably going to meet you one day Sean Smithson!

        Like

  34. mollytopia
    28th July 14

    Daaaammmittt! I was totally pulling for you! Good hustle though. You played that as well as any non-criminal could. And kudos to your brother for wearing a stolen curtain as a cape. Excellent post. And I loved your book, as you know : )

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th July 14

      I cannot wait until my nephew is old enough to hear about his dad’s ‘cape’ theft!

      But as for my own endeavour, I can’t believe Morpheus just wouldn’t let it go. Surely they must have spares, right?

      Like

  35. jblondie09
    29th July 14

    I can’t decide whether I laughed harder at the Fish Fillet Chaser or your inner monologue prematurely congratulating yourself for being an awful thief…lol. Stick to taxes and writing LOL…however…if you feel the need to get drunk and steal things your should totally do that as well….and then immediately tell us about it :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      29th July 14

      Don’t knock the fish fillet chaser. Definitely an unsung hero of team McDonald’s.

      Like

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This entry was posted on 25th February 14 by in Frat-Pack Favourites and tagged , , , , , , .
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