SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…
Another guide from some arsehole, whose opinion you never asked for
Congratulations, you’ve started a blog. And although you’re churning out some fantastic material, no one seems to give a shit… Well, all that is about to change with my proven tips for building up a healthy and meaningful WordPress following.
But Sean, what makes you an expert on the subject?
Well for starters I’ve published 21 posts – that I didn’t re-read, realise were complete crap and subsequently delete – in 10 months so I think I know a thing or two about blogging. But more importantly, this is my blog so I can write about whatever the hell I like. Two great points. Carry on.
1 – FORGET everything else you’ve read about what makes a successful blogger i.e. engaging with readers, writing regular, snappy posts, preferably as a numbered list or How To guide with at least one cat meme. That only works for Buzzfeed.
Or for bloggers who have written at least 21 posts.
2 – Hit the ‘like’ button on EVERY post, regardless of the content.
Remember, you don’t actually HAVE to like it (if you’re really smart, you won’t even read it). You just want the blogger who wrote it to THINK you do.
46%* of the time, they’ll then head over to your site, read your brilliant content and click FOLLOW. And with over 1 million* new WordPress blogs being created every day, that’s a lot of new followers.
* Data Source: my arse
But Sean, where will I find the time? I have a real life outside of my blog.
To be honest, I don’t know but somehow Valeriu manages to do it. And he has 7 fucking blogs of his own to maintain so quit complaining.
He ‘liked’ one of my very first posts and although I haven’t seen him since, I now follow all 7 of his blogs (along with 20,033 other WordPress bloggers). Even though I hate poetry and can’t understand Romanian or Italian!
3 – Follow EVERYONE, regardless of the content.
I’m currently following 35,463 bl… No. Wait. Valeriu’s just added an 8th blog; make that 35,464 blogs.
Why? Because as Phil Collins said so astutely (and beautifully) back in ’78 on Genesis’ club banger, Follow You Follow Me:
AND I’LL FOLLOW YOU
Again, it totally works. And it probably won’t surprise you to hear that the ‘new follower’ conversion rate is much higher than 46% (see formula below). As once someone sees thinks that you’ve made a commitment to regularly read what they have to say, they’ll be much more inclined to reciprocate. I mean, just look at these awesome blogs that I now follow as they ‘followed me’:
Easy Finance 4 All: pretty handy too given my terrible credit rating and current employment status.
Divine Energy Today: unfortunately this site no longer exists but I bet it used to be great.
Josh McEwan: another Project A.W.O.L. (A Way of Life) jerk online marketer, unselfishly willing to share his secrets about how he makes a tonne of money online whilst scratching his balls all day. Honestly, they’re such considerate guys.
B Tech Distance Education: perfect timing too as there’s been an upsurge in UK employers looking for guys with online Indian qualifications.
Without using Google, does anyone know what this actually shows?
Congratulations. You’re still a virgin.
4 – Don’t leave COMMENTS on other blogs. Not only does it interfere with your ‘liking’, ‘following’ and most importantly, ‘coming up with new material’ time, but if you did the previous steps correctly, these bloggers should already be following you.
If you really must say something, I find a generic, “Wow, great post” should be perfectly adequate. As it works for every occasion; even the bad ones:
New blogger: “My goldfish died. I’m so sad…”
You: “Wow, great post.”
New blogger: This guy clearly admires my bravery, being able to blog about such a sensitive subject at a time like this. What a nice guy, I’d better follow his blog.
And ALWAYS remember to leave a link back to your own site. Because that’s not annoying at all.
5 – TAG your posts correctly.
There’s a reason I consistently get over 10 views (and subsequently, followers) EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And it’s because I tag my posts with popular search terms like Kim Kardashian, dancing cats, Justin Bieber, How to write awesome blog posts, etc.
But Sean, you’ve never written about any of that stuff and WordPress rules specifically state that tags should be relevant.
This is true. But you can get round this with simple subliminal advertising e.g.
This just in; if you believe any of this, you’re a total berk.
A seemingly innocuous statement at first glance but read it again and you’ll see that I am indeed adhering to WordPress rules:
This JUST IN; if you BelIEve any of this, you’re a total BERk.
I THANK YOU
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen; the REAL keys to blogging success. Join me next week when I’ll be lifting the lid off Twitter. And with just over 200 followers and a similar amount of tweets, once again, I’m sure you’ll agree that I know what I’m talking about.
Hopefully you can all see that the number of followers you have is a totally arbitrary and fucking meaningless figure (it took me quite a while to figure this out). And I would gladly trade the 1,590 figure you see for the 100 or so of you who actually read what I write. It’s because of you guys that I’m still here.
And Valeriu; I hope there are no hard feelings. In truth, I could’ve picked a dozen others but I… Actually, why am I even writing this? As if you’re ever going to read it…
Shout out to Trent Lewin for the inspiration on this one.
If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.