The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

How to get more Followers in 5 Easy steps

Another guide from some arsehole, whose opinion you never asked for

Congratulations, you’ve started a blog. And although you’re churning out some fantastic material, no one seems to give a shit… Well, all that is about to change with my proven tips for building up a healthy and meaningful WordPress following.

But Sean, what makes you an expert on the subject?

Well for starters I’ve published 21 posts – that I didn’t re-read, realise were complete crap and subsequently delete – in 10 months so I think I know a thing or two about blogging. But more importantly, this is my blog so I can write about whatever the hell I like. Two great points. Carry on.

1 – FORGET everything else you’ve read about what makes a successful blogger i.e. engaging with readers, writing regular, snappy posts, preferably as a numbered list or How To guide with at least one cat meme. That only works for Buzzfeed.

chemistry%20catOr for bloggers who have written at least 21 posts.

2 – Hit the ‘like’ button on EVERY post, regardless of the content.

Remember, you don’t actually HAVE to like it (if you’re really smart, you won’t even read it). You just want the blogger who wrote it to THINK you do.

pressing-all-the-buttons-in-elevator_1159

46%* of the time, they’ll then head over to your site, read your brilliant content and click FOLLOW. And with over 1 million* new WordPress blogs being created every day, that’s a lot of new followers.

* Data Source: my arse

But Sean, where will I find the time? I have a real life outside of my blog.

To be honest, I don’t know but somehow Valeriu manages to do it. And he has 7 fucking blogs of his own to maintain so quit complaining.

He ‘liked’ one of my very first posts and although I haven’t seen him since, I now follow all 7 of his blogs (along with 20,033 other WordPress bloggers). Even though I hate poetry and can’t understand Romanian or Italian!

3 – Follow EVERYONE, regardless of the content.

I’m currently following 35,463 bl… No. Wait. Valeriu’s just added an 8th blog; make that 35,464 blogs.

Why? Because as Phil Collins said so astutely (and beautifully) back in ’78 on Genesis’ club banger, Follow You Follow Me:

8OWWB8vlWwvBSqvsfGhkVZtHF0c@500x431FOLLOW ME
AND I’LL FOLLOW YOU

Again, it totally works. And it probably won’t surprise you to hear that the ‘new follower’ conversion rate is much higher than 46% (see formula below). As once someone sees thinks that you’ve made a commitment to regularly read what they have to say, they’ll be much more inclined to reciprocate. I mean, just look at these awesome blogs that I now follow as they ‘followed me’:

Easy Finance 4 All: pretty handy too given my terrible credit rating and current employment status.

Divine Energy Today: unfortunately this site no longer exists but I bet it used to be great.

Josh McEwan: another Project A.W.O.L. (A Way of Life) jerk online marketer, unselfishly willing to share his secrets about how he makes a tonne of money online whilst scratching his balls all day. Honestly, they’re such considerate guys.

B Tech Distance Education: perfect timing too as there’s been an upsurge in UK employers looking for guys with online Indian qualifications.

Without using Google, does anyone know what this actually shows?

complicatedmathsequationCongratulations. You’re still a virgin.

4 – Don’t leave COMMENTS on other blogs. Not only does it interfere with your ‘liking’, ‘following’ and most importantly, ‘coming up with new material’ time, but if you did the previous steps correctly, these bloggers should already be following you.

If you really must say something, I find a generic, “Wow, great post” should be perfectly adequate. As it works for every occasion; even the bad ones:

New blogger: “My goldfish died. I’m so sad…”

You: “Wow, great post.”

New blogger: This guy clearly admires my bravery, being able to blog about such a sensitive subject at a time like this. What a nice guy, I’d better follow his blog.

And ALWAYS remember to leave a link back to your own site. Because that’s not annoying at all.

5 – TAG your posts correctly.

There’s a reason I consistently get over 10 views (and subsequently, followers) EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And it’s because I tag my posts with popular search terms like Kim Kardashian, dancing cats, Justin Bieber, How to write awesome blog posts, etc.

But Sean, you’ve never written about any of that stuff and WordPress rules specifically state that tags should be relevant.  

This is true. But you can get round this with simple subliminal advertising e.g.

This just in; if you believe any of this, you’re a total berk.

A seemingly innocuous statement at first glance but read it again and you’ll see that I am indeed adhering to WordPress rules:

This JUST IN; if you BelIEve any of this, you’re a total BERk.

conan-bowingI THANK YOU

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen; the REAL keys to blogging success. Join me next week when I’ll be lifting the lid off Twitter. And with just over 200 followers and a similar amount of tweets, once again, I’m sure you’ll agree that I know what I’m talking about.

Closing thoughts

Hopefully you can all see that the number of followers you have is a totally arbitrary and fucking meaningless figure (it took me quite a while to figure this out). And I would gladly trade the 1,590 figure you see for the 100 or so of you who actually read what I write. It’s because of you guys that I’m still here.

And Valeriu; I hope there are no hard feelings. In truth, I could’ve picked a dozen others but I… Actually, why am I even writing this? As if you’re ever going to read it…

Shout out to Trent Lewin for the inspiration on this one.

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments. 

395 comments on “How to get more Followers in 5 Easy steps

  1. MeglyMc
    2nd April 14

    Wait…so now I’m supposed to comment, or I’m not. I’m SO fucking confused, damn it!

    Like

    • MeglyMc
      2nd April 14

      Furthermore, rule 5 would TOTALLY work on you, motherfucker. lol

      Liked by 1 person

    • TheBlueSnowBall
      29th May 14

      So I liked you and are you following me? Lol

      Like

      • Sean Smithson
        29th May 14

        I guess I’m going to have to, aren’t I?

        Like

      • MeglyMc
        30th May 14

        You see that…you see what I did there? (hopes to God you got follow message, or this will be fucking lame as shit. oh, who am I kidding, it’s still lame as shit)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. charlypriest
    3rd April 14

    O.k, so I hit the LIKE button even though this is crap, then I´m following which I really don´t want to.
    The formula by the way means, “Days of Glory”.
    And I also write shitty posts.
    So that makes me a great blogger.
    I should also add that I curse too much and don´t edit what I write in the blog, or try not to much editing. I have an idea and run with it, so I have no clue where is taking me which makes me…..great blogger.
    As always had a laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. charlypriest
    3rd April 14

    Forgot.
    I write thoughtful engaging comments.

    Like

  4. charlypriest
    3rd April 14

    Forgot…..now I forgot what I was going to say.

    Like

  5. LaVagabonde
    4th April 14

    I’m defying #4 and leaving a comment. Do you really follow all of those blogs?

    Like

  6. halfeatenmind
    5th April 14

    Best tongue-in cheek blogging tips ever…WordPress should hire you as one of their ‘Happiness Engineers’…though I suspect in five years you’ll probably be running the place….
    Nice one!
    Vijay

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th April 14

      Thanks man. Ha. Me as one of their ‘Happiness Engineers’? The site would be inundated with complaints.

      Apologies for the delayed response by the way. I’ve been away the last month trying to promote the blog and my book down under. Actually that’s not at all why I was there but I tried to nonetheless. I wasn’t very successful…

      Like

  7. Pingback: How to Lose Followers | Trent Lewin

  8. onechicklette
    8th April 14

    Are you going to mock me for liking this and commenting now? I’m feeling self conscious. Damn it.

    Like

  9. A. van Nerel
    7th May 14

    Wow, great post! It was actually so good I read the entire thing…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th May 14

      I don’t know what to say as you’ve clearly followed some rules but ignored the others… But thanks.

      Like

  10. skinnyuz2b
    11th May 14

    Hey, SS, thanks for all the tips. I’m going to follow them to the letter. If they don’t make my site jump up to the top ten, I’ll be back for more tips. Actually, I’ll be back anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      12th May 14

      Let me know how that works out for you. As they’ve not helped me one bit!

      Like

    • Holistic Wayfarer
      6th August 14

      If they don’t work, you wanna come back for more tips that fail? *Grin*
      (Not sure what’s with me today, Sean. I normally don’t make waves.)

      Like

  11. ISpontein
    13th May 14

    LOLOL…. :lol:

    Like

  12. lbellinlondon
    13th May 14

    I was just getting offended… when I skipped to the end and saw that it WAS all baloney. I ‘liked’ it anyway. I await my barrage of followers

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th May 14

      I suggest you read it more thoroughly as I was already following you. And to think, you could’ve used the time you just spent ‘liking’ and commenting to troll for new followers… Tut, tut.

      Like

  13. jessmittens
    15th May 14

    Heh heh heh, I had a couple of those kinds of popular bloggers like my early posts and now that I think of it… I never did hear from any of them again. Huh.
    I will diligently follow all of these steps since I took that hiatus from WordPress it can only help me get back in the follower numbers game. I wasted crucial follower accumulation ignoring my blog because I was too busy living life!

    But really, great post ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th May 14

      You forgot the ‘wow’. But yes, go forth and prosper Jess!

      I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus myself finishing up the book so might actually have to give some of this rubbish a try to see if it works. Maybe see you around in the comments section…

      Like

  14. 10eveningflowers
    16th May 14

    So i applied point 2 on YOU!! And see you came to my blog, liked, followed and blah blah!!! hahaha!!!!

    Like

  15. 10eveningflowers
    16th May 14

    And point 4!! Let me admit!! It happened to me LOL!! I made a fool out of myself!!! “She wrote about her being used as a toy in school” and i commented “Cool things there” hahahahaha!!!

    Like

  16. Rachna
    19th May 14

    I still cannot stop laughing :D Excellent advice and some revelation too. I have this chiming notification thing on on my ipad so when someone likes a post or leaves a comment I get to know. There are times when i hear 5-10 chimes in a row…. notifying me that someone is fervently ‘liking’ the posts on my blog. I absolutely definitely already know that this person has probably not read anything that I put out there :D But yeah…my posts got ‘liked’ … yay !!!

    And again – Good stuff here. I will be back again :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      19th May 14

      Honestly, I don’t know if any of it actually works but I’m pleased you enjoyed it.

      Like

      • Rachna
        19th May 14

        It was a hilarious post. Loved it. Thank you

        Like

  17. LVital7019
    19th May 14

    Hilarious! Don’t worry – this is only interfering (mildly) with my 9-5. work-time. ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      19th May 14

      Thank you.

      Ah but at least that’s still better than interfering with your ‘liking’, ‘following’ and ‘coming up with new material’ time.

      Liked by 1 person

      • LVital7019
        19th May 14

        Of COURSE! What kind of misappropriating-of-worktime blogger do you think I am!? (she types, as the CFO goes over budget planning with the Accounting Manager in the next room…)

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Tara Sparling
    20th May 14

    So with a like and a follow in one fell swoop, does this mean my ability to get irony has been surgically removed and I should go into politics? Just wondering.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      21st May 14

      Possibly. Though having snooped around your blog previously, I’d say you definitely get irony. Either way, I’d avoid politics at all costs.

      Like

  19. 10eveningflowers
    22nd May 14

    I came here like a little lost puppy to read something funny!!! Now that’s me shouting “UPDATE SOMETHING SEAN” !!! Phew!!!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd May 14

      I’m still trying to iron out some issues with the eBook… But once that’s done I’ll get back to writing some new material.

      However if you’re looking for more opportunities to laugh (most likely at me), I’d just have a rummage around the site.

      Like

  20. maurnas
    23rd May 14

    Hmm…You know, I rad this and thought I commented and liked it and also followed you. Maybe I was having a really boring fever dream. No offense, it was a good post. But fever dreams are supposed to have unicorns and talking french toast and shit.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      23rd May 14

      Well that definitely sounds like A LOT more fun than this piece. No offence taken.

      Like

  21. butimbeautiful
    24th May 14

    so THAT’s why you like my posts! Never mind, that’s why I like yours too :)

    Liked by 1 person

  22. butimbeautiful
    24th May 14

    just joking. You’re right on the money, that’s the way the blogging cookie crumbles, but me, I don’t care much any more. Let them like..or not like! I know I’m a frigging genius. Btw I’ve now made two comments – you OWE me!

    Like

  23. Tammy in PDX
    28th May 14

    Soooo regretting that awesome comment I just made on your most recent post…sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. kutukamus
    30th May 14

    Now you be very careful there, Sean. I think Valeriu is.. GOD!!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      30th May 14

      You, me and 21,257 other followers it seems.

      Like

      • kutukamus
        30th May 14

        Yep, some watchful soul, this holy Val is. But it’s on another blog of mine. He didn’t find me yet with this one. God must be very busy.

        Like

  25. 10eveningflowers
    31st May 14

    I Officially announce “The Office Inbetweener” as a DEAD BLOG :-/ :-/ !!! Hows the e-book coming up :) :) :) ??

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      31st May 14

      Not quite dead. Just having a long nap… Have you read all the stories on here then?

      Fingers crossed it’ll be available next week!

      Like

  26. themonumentaljackass
    31st May 14

    Dude, shh. This is supposed to be a secret to be kept from… well, people who don’t already know it.

    Your disguised kindness is directly cramping my style :D

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      1st June 14

      I know. But I was hoping that by revealing all this stuff I could entice new readers and become rich and famous by flogging all my other ‘How To’ guides to them… It hasn’t worked.

      Like

  27. speakingwins
    1st June 14

    Wow, great post! And JUST IN time to BE making my LIfE BEtteR.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Cary Vaughn
    13th June 14

    Fuck. Now I feel like a fool for following you after reading this.

    Like

  29. michellejoycebond
    14th June 14

    Ha–you hit the nail on the head with so much of this. I’m mystified by people who don’t even speak English and follow my blog. A lot of the strangest comments have been written by reading the post’s title and the first two sentences (or last) of what I’ve written…and I don’t usually writ a lot! So now, I try to get to the point as quickly as possible to increase the chances that someone might actually read what I’ve written and make a good comment. Plus, stick figures!!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th June 14

      The non English speakers seem to have followed my rules to a t, as they don’t even leave a comment. They just like/follow and move on… I’d consider yourself somewhat special if you’re getting comments on top.

      Like

  30. Cassandra
    19th June 14

    Let’s see… “like”. “Follow”. Done.

    Like

  31. gjoelfranco
    23rd June 14

    Wow! Great post.

    Like

  32. spincyclediaries
    23rd June 14

    OK Sean…I know you’ll laugh at me (and my deceased fish) for this one but I got nominated for a Liebster award and though you have hundreds more followers (and a book to boot), I wanted to include you and maybe expose people to your brand of humour (and ok, mine too…to a degree!) http://spincyclediaries.com/2014/06/23/lets-relate-spincycle-country/

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      23rd June 14

      Thank you, my dear. Definitely no laughter. That’s very sweet of you. And I loved the ‘explicit’ warning on your post!

      Like

  33. Merryn
    27th June 14

    Well I’m going to break the mould and comment on your post because I prefer community rather than numbers lol. I had a lot of laughs as I read this and I will actually take the time to read your posts, even if you just “like” mine. (Assuming that you do, in fact, like mine! :D )

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th June 14

      Fair enough. But you probably lost a good 5-10 minutes that you could’ve spent writing a new post…

      Thanks for stopping by, by the way.

      Like

      • Merryn
        27th June 14

        You’re welcome :). Not at all – as I said, I enjoyed the read. I tend to get inspiration and encouragement from the blogs I read, so I make sure I read a few on the days I have more time.

        Like

  34. Hannah
    4th September 14

    So liking, reading, AND commenting something non-generic are 3 strikes, I suppose…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th September 14

      It’s like you didn’t read the post at all… That being said, I see that you’ve read a few of the others too. Thank you.

      Like

      • Hannah
        9th September 14

        I think I’ve read almost all–I didn’t “like” all of them (even though I enjoyed all of them) because that would certainly be breaking the rules.

        Liked by 1 person

  35. germanginge
    5th September 14

    Superb. And why do they tell you how you too can live your life on a beach in Thailand? I’m a redhead. I don’t do tropical heat and sunshine.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. nonton.biar.sehat
    7th September 14

    I don’e want you as a date. I want him.
    Count Valeriu for president!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th September 14

      Good choice. I’m pretty certain he’d be a better date than me anyway.

      Like

  37. claudia
    24th September 14

    Count me in with the 100. Read your post and loved it. :)

    Like

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