The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you son

BUT AT LEAST YOU’RE NOT SEAN SMITHSON

jay-z-rap-disgusted-6bb61e3b7bce0931da574d19d1d82c88-1584OUCH!

If writing a book was hard, trying to get it noticed is about 100 times worse.

So when aspiring rapper, #1 Jay-Z fan and part-time book reviewer, J Zee, asked if he could interview me for his high school paper following the release of, How to lose a Girl in 10 Ways, I jumped at the chance. Here are the best bits.

What can you tell students about your new joint?

Essentially, it’s a collection of 10 of the most awkward scenarios I’ve encountered in my attempts to sleep with women over the last decade. Though unlike the film (on which I quite clearly based the title), there is no fairy-tale ending. It’s just one car crash after another.

bill-cosby-annoyed-shaking-head-smh-gif

I should also add that it’s definitely not for the faint-hearted, as the content is fairly shocking; both in terms of my behaviour and the candour with which I discuss certain topics. But it’s all done via a very self-deprecating, humorous narrative so even if readers don’t necessarily approve of my actions, they will hopefully be entertained by them.

So what makes your love life worth writing a book about? I’m only 16 and I reckon I’ve seen more action than you.

It’s not so much my ‘love life’, J, but more the situations I get myself into. As I doubt there are too many guys out there who have gone through the same experiences. And if they have, I certainly don’t think they’d be comfortable talking about them.

The book is very much a parody of the chick-lit genre. And for the record, I think you have too.

I knew it! Moving on… You’re also a blogger; what can you tell us about this?

A countryman of yours, Stephen Colbert, once described a blogger as “a person with a laptop, an ax to grind and their virginity.” So on that basis, I guess I’m not one as I don’t have an ax to grind.

J_Lawrence_Wink

However, I did need a platform to try my stories out on people who’d never met me in real life. And I also needed to establish my ‘writing voice’ as my entire experience of story-writing previously consisted of sending emails to the guys at work.

Luckily the reaction to the blog has been pretty positive; particularly from women and particularly to the stories that are about women, which is why I took the route I did with the book. I actually prefer writing more observational/situational humour pieces and would absolutely love to get into comedic script writing one day.

So what’s been your most embarrassing moment with a girl?

I’m not going to lie; losing my erection during sex was pretty mortifying.

Wooord?

Word indeed, J. Word. Indeed. But what made it worse was her friend shouting out, “Hey everybody, it’s limp dick!” in the hotel lobby the next day.

surprised faces

Now that’s some cold shit right there.

You’re telling me… But surprisingly, that wasn’t as humiliating as ‘sharting’ myself before a date, which, thankfully for readers, is one of the stories in the book.

Oh yeah, I heard that was the story Jay was reading in the elevator right before Solange went crazy.

Book memeORDER YOUR COPY TODAY

Now the media’s obviously made a lot of that incident and whether Jay and Bey are going to stay together. In your book, you talk briefly about your failed marriage and another serious relationship. What have you learnt from these?

That it’ll probably be some time before my next one.

Finally, what’s next for you?

A nap.

How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways is now available to download as an eBook from Amazon, Apple and Troubador Publishing (for all other e-readers; subject to compatibility).

But if you’re a dinosaur like me, you can purchase the paperback from The Book Depository (free worldwide P&P), in addition to the above sites.

Please note that it is only possible to order the paperback through Amazon’s UK site and I apologise to those of you who have had to cancel your orders.

Before I go, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has purchased/downloaded a copy so far, especially to those of you who have left reviews on Amazon and/or your blogs.

I know it’s a bit of a pain in the arse and people often forget (Frat-Pack, family members… looking in your direction chaps) so I really do appreciate it.

And if you’re still undecided about picking one up…

canvas

87 comments on “If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you son

  1. Ann St. Vincent
    25th June 14

    I was so excited to see a post from you in my reader :)

    My copy is on its way and I have no doubt it will entertain me in all the ways you have. You can take that however you choose.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      It’s been a while, I know. Sorry.

      Huh? I would’ve had you pegged as an eBook girl for sure. But either way, thanks for picking up a copy. I just hope you’re right about the entertainment.

      Like

      • Ann St. Vincent
        27th June 14

        eBooks for sure are my thing…for things like mystery novels and books I won’t cherish ;)

        Like

  2. NotAPunkRocker
    25th June 14

    Hey there stranger!

    Definitely downloading the book today, I need a good read right now :-)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Hey yourself. Sorry, I know I’ve been AWOL for a while…

      Thank you. I’m not sure I’d call it a ‘good’ read as such. But it’ll definitely take your mind off whatever else you’ve got going on.

      Like

  3. cpmandara
    25th June 14

    I just bought Smithson’s book, too. Hey, I have something in common with the President of the USA. Woot. Unbeliavable. Your not sharting me, are you? ;)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Thanks Christina. I must admit, I’m quite intrigued to hear what you’ll make of it. Especially as you’ve written three books yourself. And I mean proper books rather than the pamphlet I’ve produced.

      As for Big B, I hear the reaction from the White House has been pretty positive.

      Like

  4. Expat Eye
    25th June 14

    Love, love, love :) Great to have you back! And I will buy the book, promise! (Not that I have any choice in the matter ;) )

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Great to be back. And you’re right; you don’t have a choice.

      PS – Thanks for the whole situational v situation thing.

      Like

  5. Marie
    25th June 14

    I JUST BOUGHT IT! I feel like I’m part of this project in some really freaky self-centered kind of way. I can’t wait to binge-read it, and post a review. Yay!
    :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      You ARE a part of it Marie, for sure. Your comments on some of my earlier posts definitely encouraged me to keep going with this.

      I hope you enjoy it. And more importantly, that you’re able to download it; I know a few people have been experiencing some problems.

      Thanks for all your support.

      Like

      • Marie
        26th June 14

        Yeah. I have to look into my Amazon account again. I know I clicked twice on the download button and then I got distracted by my boss pinging me… ;) Not sure what the heck happened with your book or where it’s at!

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          26th June 14

          I’d be distracted if someone was ‘pinging’ me too…

          Shit. I hope this isn’t going to be a recurring theme. The whole point of publishing it as an eBook too was to make it easier and cheaper for people to read!

          Like

  6. Marissa Bergen
    25th June 14

    Still trying to get my hands on the book. I will try some of these suggestions as it looks like other people are having luck. Been hearing great things though. Congratulations. You deserve it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Marissa Bergen
      25th June 14

      Quick update Sean, Ebook now purchased and reading has begun…

      Like

      • Sean Smithson
        26th June 14

        Thanks Marissa. Hope it’s not a let down.

        Like

        • Marissa Bergen
          26th June 14

          Does your self depreciation ever stop? Let down?! I’m already 75% of the way through. Couldn’t put it down.

          Like

          • Sean Smithson
            26th June 14

            In my defence, I honestly think it’s a lot worse than the stuff on here. So I am genuinely worried about how people might react to it; even regular readers like you.

            So I’m very pleased to hear you say that.

            Like

          • Marissa Bergen
            26th June 14

            Worse in terms of content, not the actual writing I’m assuming. Well in that case, you should no I’m not all that easy to offend.

            But actually, what I want to ask is, your book inspired me to write a poem about you which I would like to put in the context of a blog which would be, not so much a review of your book (although definitely a plug) but also a bit of a roast. I think you will enjoy it. I will publish it only if:
            1. You agree to it’s publication.
            2. You actually read it.

            Let me know.

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            26th June 14

            Definitely in terms of content Marissa. And in answer to your questions:

            1 – Yes; and
            2 – Yes.

            I’m quite looking forward to it actually.

            Like

          • Marissa Bergen
            26th June 14

            Okay, good.

            Like

  7. Pingback: Three tidbits to share this morning | ann st vincent

  8. charlypriest
    25th June 14

    Mr. Sean Smith, glad seeing you around. I thought that since you are a top dog, writer, you would stop with the blog thing. Just got a credit card, yep, me…go figure. I´ll be on my way to purchasing it next week.

    Did you say more girls than man read your blog….insulting to me, but it is true! I should start to rub elbows with you when you go out at night. Get some inspiration to write and have a large base of female fans. Hope the purchases get where you want them to be and get a good return investment for your effort in writing the book. You make it seem easy writing like you write, and that´s the beauty, that is so hard and for you it seems or you make it seem it comes very natural and easy for you. Plus when you add the pictures in one of your post you can´t help it but laugh even more. The Obama picture at the end was priceless. Hopefully we see a t.v series or movie written by you. That should be quite entertaining. Sincerely all the best to you.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Charly, this is one of the nicest comments I’ve ever received. Thanks a lot man, I really appreciate it.

      But with such high praise I really hope the book lives up to your expectations.

      Like

  9. NancyTex
    25th June 14

    I’m currently on #5. Love it! Will review as soon as I’m finished. xoxo

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th June 14

      Ah yes, #5… Though wait till you read #6. Arguably the worst of the lot?

      So pleased to hear you’re enjoying it, Nanc. It took a while but we got there in the end.

      Like

      • NancyTex
        25th June 14

        You did! And the formatting is perfect. Totally worth the effort!

        Like

  10. List of X
    25th June 14

    So is it true that trying to borrow a copy of How To Lose A Girl In 10 Ways is the 11th way to lose a girl?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th June 14

      Ha, maybe? I heard that #11 was giving a copy of the book to the girl you were currently dating. Perhaps that’s #12.

      Like

      • List of X
        26th June 14

        Having a girl tell the entire hotel about the limp dick situation is #13. See, your follow up book is 30% done already.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Sean Smithson
          26th June 14

          You want to write it with me, X?

          Like

          • List of X
            27th June 14

            Thank you for the offer, but my girl fails were much less entertaining, and mostly involved me getting friendzoned. You need someone like Aussa for any kind of meaningful contributions.

            Like

    • Lolololololol

      Like

  11. Blossom Brouillard
    25th June 14

    And like a ray of light, he appears! Oddly enough Linda and I were just chatting about you yesterday. So glad to hear it’s available again. Amazon came up dry.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Linda actually told me about that yesterday and I had a read through the exchange. You both made me blush, thanks.

      Yeah, I had some concerns over the formatting of the eBook, which is why it took so long but we got there in the end, right? Looking forward to hearing what you think of it Blossom.

      Like

  12. tisfortea
    25th June 14

    Bought and can’t wait to start reading!

    Like

  13. mikesteeden
    25th June 14

    Right Sir – I am not on Kindle any more but have a new tablet thing and have saved the Amazon link. Will download a little later – not downloaded a book of any kind on it yet so will endeavour not to fuck up although if your stats reveal a punter who ended up with 1000 copies by way of computer illiteracy that’ll be me! Best of luck with the book.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Thanks Mike, I appreciate you picking up a copy. Or 1,000. ‘Knowing you’ as I do now, I’m sure you, the missus and possibly your boy will enjoy the tales. Though perhaps you should read it first just to be on the safe side.

      Still no new signings…

      Like

  14. The Hungry Dog's Lair
    25th June 14

    My book is on it’s way according to today’s email. I’m looking forward to it.

    Like

  15. The Howling Fantogs
    25th June 14

    Hope it’s going well. I can thoroughly reccomend it :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Like I said before my friend. Your review was one of the best I’ve had; thanks again.

      As for how it’s going; I’m really not sure. Ask me again in a month!

      Like

  16. 1. I love that people think you’re back.
    2. Please put me in contact with J as I’d like to be his best friend.
    3. I’m going to update my post with a link to this post cause you can clearly sell your book better.
    4. I’m serious about the J thing.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Let me know as soon as you’ve finished your book and I’ll introduce you two. He does the best interviews.

      Like

  17. Julie
    25th June 14

    hey! didn’t I win something??? I believe you owe me…..

    Nice to see you Sean! :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Nice to see you too Julie. Sorry, I kind of went MIA there for a bit. But I’m back. For now at least…

      Hmm, if you’re referring to the date, then sorry, no. I’m afraid the chick behind Tackling your Twenties Gracelessly won that. Though she didn’t actually want to go on the date. So I guess there’s still a chance.

      Location’s still a bit of a problem though.

      Like

      • Julie
        26th June 14

        dammmit. just my luck. can’t wait to get your book!

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          26th June 14

          Neither can I, Julie. As I’m sure you’re going to have some things to say about it…

          Like

          • Julie
            26th June 14

            hahahahahaha! really made me giggle out loud with that Sean. Of course I will have some things to say! don’t I always? hahaha!

            Like

  18. janeybgood
    25th June 14

    Ok, I know I said I would get this ages ago but I will genuinely order it in the next day. I just got to have a weird conversation with my boyfriend because I’ll have to use his card (although I’m pretty sure he’ll want to read it first). I’ll take a picture of me laughing, er reading, your book when I get it.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th June 14

      Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I’ll believe it when I see it Janey. You’re lucky I fancy you…

      PS – Will you be fully clothed in this picture?

      Like

      • janeybgood
        26th June 14

        Since I’ve been on school holidays I’ve kind of been boycotting clothes but for pictures…yes, I will be :D

        Like

  19. gingerfightback
    26th June 14

    Ordered!

    Like

  20. Amy Reese
    27th June 14

    I’d love to read all about your mishaps and the situations you got yourself into. I plan on it! Much success to you! I know it’s tough at there.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th June 14

      Thanks very much Amy. Be warned though; some of the situations are a little unsavoury…

      Like

  21. amandalyle1986
    27th June 14

    I am excited to see your book is ready to purchase! Once I have unpacked my things, I’m going to buy a copy – perhaps an ‘old Skool’ paperback…because that’s the way I roll.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th June 14

      Given that we’ve already spoken via email, the response I was originally going to leave is now redundant. Cock, balls, shit… Now the response feels remotely ‘Sean like’ again.

      Like

  22. Aussa Lorens
    30th June 14

    Grrr! Amazon wouldn’t let me download. Okay I will order tomorrow when I have my debit card handy. Harass me if I forget, this is an open invitation.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      30th June 14

      Nooo… You’re like the fifth person who has experienced problems trying to download it from Amazon. But it’s worked fine for others?

      There are definitely some gremlins in the system though. When I logged into my dashboard earlier this morning, the language had been switched to Russian?!

      As for the book, I’m not sure what to say… I really hope it works when you try again as I’m very interested to know what you make of it! My brother wasn’t able to download it through his tablet but it seemed to be OK via his laptop? However it gets to you, thank you for picking up a copy.

      Like

  23. Ankur Mithal
    30th June 14

    All the best with the book Sean.

    Like

  24. jblondie09
    2nd July 14

    Obama read it? …oh done deal you’ve just sold another copy.

    Also: Does the fact that a 16 yr old feels sorry for you make you question your man-hood a little? :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd July 14

      Apparently so, yes. Though my contacts in the White House said he found it distinctly average… Hopefully you won’t feel the same.

      And in answer to your other question; I question my manhood every single day. Regardless of what J said.

      Like

  25. Shelley
    2nd July 14

    Nice promo via a high schooler. You obviously have no shame. :) Have sent the info. to John, but no download yet. He says not until we finish the #@$@#$@#$ing bathrooms. Hmmm.. :)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      3rd July 14

      What can I say… He does the best book reviews!

      Ha. Well you guys had better get back to work then hadn’t you?

      Like

  26. Sam
    3rd July 14

    Downloaded and read. Hilarious. Super disappointed that there went any single girls on our bus tour… stories around the camp fire would have been waaay more interesting if there had of been….

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      3rd July 14

      Sammy! I can’t believe Blake downloaded it onto your Kindle. Now the ‘sweet guy’ image you had of me has surely been crushed forever? Ha.

      On a serious note; I’m really pleased you enjoyed it and thanks to both of you for downloading a copy. I guess now my losing streak in Africa makes a little more sense? And speaking of… You and me both. And remember, I had to put up with a month of that shit before I even met you two!

      Like

  27. MeglyMc
    4th July 14

    You’re back!!!! I missed these updates into the life that is Smithson’s. And I loved the book, and I applaud your honesty and earnestness. It’s rare that you simultaneously are horrified by someone’s whoring and want to hug them, because you sense their angst. You, sir, get the highest of high fives and the biggest of hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      5th July 14

      “It’s rare that you simultaneously are horrified by someone’s whoring and want to hug them.”

      This is what I want on my gravestone.

      Like

      • MeglyMc
        5th July 14

        Yeah, well, let’s try and hold that off for forty years and make the cause of death a natural one, eh?

        Liked by 1 person

  28. mollytopia
    5th July 14

    Hooray your book! You know I ordered it nine years ago (in Gemini time) and it arrived right before I left for vacation – sweet! – which is perfect timing for smart individuals who remember to pack said newly arrived book. Sigh. I’ll read it as soon as I get home, and you can count on me for an Amazon review and a plug on Mollytopia : ) Yay you – so happy for you! Well done Sean!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th July 14

      Ha. Yes, I recall. Though I’m just glad it turned up. I was worried you’d have to wait another year for it!

      Thanks so much Molly. Though I’d wait until you’ve read it before you agree to giving it a plug on your blog. As it may not be everyone’s cup of tea… More like their shot of absinthe perhaps?

      Like

  29. Daniel Nest
    16th July 14

    Really cool, dude. Congrats! On the sharting. I guess getting a book published is kind of neat, too.

    I’ll try and pick it up in the upcoming days!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      16th July 14

      The sharting certainly was an achievement. As was my ability not to drown myself in the pool immediately after I’d been outed as ‘limp dick’!

      Thanks man, really appreciate it.

      Like

  30. tattoogirlSuzy Queue
    25th July 14

    This shite was so funny…I giggled and laughed out loud! You’re such an amazing writer, Sean, I have no doubts your book will just blow people away! I want the actual paperback–can I order it to the states through Amazon.uk? Ack I’ll figure it out. As an American, I just adore your last photo of Michelle and Barak. As a native Brooklynite, I laughed the second I read your title. You are too much! Love it!
    (This is Suzy Queue, by the way, in case my gravatar doesn’t show up…) Somebody hacked my wordpress and I can’t get in via my MacBook. Boo. Hiss.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th July 14

      I thought you might like the title, Suzy. Thank you for the very kind words by the way. And for picking up the book, even though postage was such a bitch.

      By the way, I hear that Michelle really liked it. Hopefully you will too.

      Like

  31. tattoogirl
    25th July 14

    Update: I just purchased your book from Amazon.uk. Damn, Sean, you don’t come cheap! Don’t you know the American dollar is weak??

    (Money well spent…)

    Congrats Again!

    Liked by 1 person

  32. NancyTex
    14th October 14

    SMITHSON, WHERE ARE YOU??? I miss your words.

    Like

Comment and you could win a date with me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on 25th June 14 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , .

Navigation

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,970 other followers

%d bloggers like this: