The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

Totally misread the situation

I knew from the first moment I saw her that Catherine and I were going to end up sleeping with one another. Assuming we both got offered jobs of course.

We’d both made it to the second interview stage at XY and crossed paths briefly in reception. She wasn’t my usual spec (looked kind of like a librarian if you know what I mean) but beneath a very modest top she looked like she could be concealing some pretty decent bar.

Plus my brother’s friend had told me all about ‘city girls’ and how common it was to hook-up with your colleagues. And Catherine just looked like she’d be one of those girls.

She was very shy and consequently I kept my distance from her, both in and out of work. But she finally came out of her shell at our Christmas party in ’04. I had actually wanted to hook up with one of the senior consultants, Lucy, but I ended up back at Catherine’s.

It nearly didn’t happen as she was so drunk that we just went to sleep. But she accidentally woke me up later that night to get some water and I thought,  well we’re up now.

I was expecting the ‘please don’t tell anyone, I have a boyfriend spiel the following Monday but what did surprise me was her insistence that she didn’t want that night to affect our friendship.

Friendship? At best we were office acquaintances. But her bar was even better than originally suspected and the sex was great. So I made sure I wasn’t a total wanker just in case there was a chance of re-tap in the future.

There would be three more occasions that I ended up back at Catherine’s place in the two years that I was at XY but only one of them is really worth telling you about.

Fast forward to summer ‘05 and another office party. As was fast becoming my modus operandi, I got pleasantly drunk by around 9pm and started to contemplate who to flirt with.

Back then XY was split into two teams – A and B. All the women on my team (A) were married so that was a dead-end. And on B, only three were neither engaged nor married – Catherine, Lucy (who was still not putting out) and Carrie.

I would go on to sleep with all three of them on various occasions but that particular night, I was after Catherine.

Given our inability to have a conversation – which had become worse after the Christmas encounter – I really had to struggle with my opener. But looking back, I was quite impressed. Especially in light of how the conversation started.

After a text-book “how’s it going” I offered to get her a drink.

“No thanks, I’m ok. I’m probably going to head off soon”.

What? This wasn’t part of the script.

I couldn’t just steam in with a “well how about we recreate another cock in mouth situation” could I?

I had to think of something clever. And quick.

The last time we hooked up Catherine was staying in a bed-sit in Hammersmith. And I was still at my parents.

Me: “Listen, I know this is going to sound odd but do you still live in Hammersmith?”

Catherine: “Yes. But I’m in a new place with a girlfriend, why?”

Me: “Weeeeell… I’d like to stick around a bit longer.” At which point, she was either disappointed that I didn’t try and fish for an invite back to hers or she was incredibly relieved.

“But I’m worried about getting home is all. Could I possibly get your number and call you later if I’m in a jam? I‘ll sleep on the couch naturally.”

Catherine: “Hmm. I guess so. So long as it’s not too late. And you’re definitely sleeping on the couch!”

I knew it. Clearly I should’ve skipped the pre amble and gone straight for the cock in mouth line.

Me: “Yes, I promise it won’t be too late and of course I’ll be on the couch” I responded rather arrogantly.

So Catherine left and I continued drinking. It must’ve been around 1.30am when I called her. I had to call late enough that she couldn’t question if the trains were still running but not so late that she would’ve already gone to sleep.

I was also going to lie and say that I was in a cab on the way to hers, just in case she had second thoughts.

Four rings. Dammit. I knew I should’ve left earlier. I was about to hang up when a very grumpy voice mumbled “hey, where are you?”

Me: Yesss. “Oh, I’m in a cab. I asked the guy to head to Hammersmith. I hope that’s ok?”

Catherine: “Erm. Yeah, I suppose so”

Me: “Cool. Thank you again. I really appreciate it.”

Catherine: “Yeah sure. No worries.”

Me: “What’s your address by the way?”

Catherine: “God sorry. It’s …”

Me: “Wow, this is a really nice flat. Much better than your last place. And didn’t you say the rent was quite cheap?”

Catherine: “Yeah, it’s actually my flatmate’s uncle’s place, which is why it’s such a good deal.”

Me: “Nice. Speaking of your flatmate, is she in?”

Catherine: “Erm no. I think she’s at her boyfriend’s place tonight.”

Stop it. This night just gets better and better.

Catherine: “Well anyway, I’m really tired so I’m going to bed. The spare room is over on the right.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Catherine: “The sheets haven’t been changed in a while but we don’t have too many visitors so you should be fine.”

Once again, she was choosing to blatantly disregard the script. But before I could think of an appropriate response her back was turned and she was already in her room.

I sat at the foot of the bed contemplating what my next move would be and then it hit me. She was obviously playing hard to get. Why else would she give me her number, let me stay round when her flat mate was out and more importantly, wake up and wait for me to come round just to shut me down?

So I got completely undressed and made my way to her room. Knock, knock.

00007330

Catherine: “Yeah, what is it? Oh my god! Where are your clothes?”

Me: “Come on now Catherine. You can cut the act.”

Catherine: “God. I knew this was what you were after when you asked to stay round.”

And yet you still let me in didn’t you?

Catherine: “But I thought I’d give you the benefit of the doubt.”

Me: “Benefit of the doubt? Of course you knew this was why I wanted to come round. Listen, I know you are still with James but he never needs to know.”

I tried to hold her hand but she backed away slowly. And very calmly told me that she wasn’t joking, the last time we hooked up was a huge mistake, that I was still welcome to use the spare room but that I was to fuck off out of her room immediately before she screamed.

Contrary to how I must be sounding right now, I wasn’t a complete douche and apologised profusely for misreading (I mean creating) the situation. I also thanked her for still agreeing to let me stay and for once, I actually begged the girl not to tell anyone about what had happened!

Within seconds I was back at that same spot on the bed thinking about the mess I had gotten myself into. Now most guys would’ve bolted from there and not looked back. Or they would’ve at least made use of the bed (it was around 2.30am). But not me. As there is something very wrong with me.

I put my clothes back on and went into the living room. After around 2 mins of shuffling through the items on her coffee table, I found what I was looking for; the local paper. I went straight to the back page and made my way forward until I hit the jackpot.

Escort and massage services.

I got my phone out and started dialling… Finally I found an agency based on the other side of London. However they could send someone to Hammersmith. But first the admin.

Agency: “What’s your address?”

What was MY address? Hell if I remembered what Catherine said. So I thought,”where do most people leave their mail?” I asked the guy to hold and dashed to the kitchen. Bingo. An electricity bill. “Erm, it’s…”

Agency: “Right. It’s £130 for the hour…”

Suddenly I realised that I only had about £40 on me. “Erm. Do you do half hour slots?”

Agency: “Is this a joke?”

Me: “No. I’m serious. It’s just that I may need to get some cash out first. Unless you accept credit card” I asked pathetically, knowing full well what the answer would be.

Agency: “What do you think?”

Me: “I thought as much.”

Agency: “Listen buddy. Why don’t you have a think about it all and call me back. We have serious punters on hold.”

What a tool. Maybe I should have explained my predicament. If he knew the lengths I was prepared to go to just to get laid maybe he would’ve given me a discount?

Now at this point, even the very few guys that made it with me this far would’ve thrown in the towel. But not me. As there is something very wrong with me.

I put the phone down and this time started to shuffle through ALL of Catherine’s things. What was I looking for? Cash.

Even as I write this I am appalled (secretly proud) by what I did that night. I mean trying to nail a pro in a colleague’s flat whilst she was sleeping and this is after she had just rejected you. And to top it off, I was going to steal from her in order to pay for it!

I should’ve stopped when I couldn’t find any money and perhaps there may still have been a chance for me to get into heaven (or in my case, to be reincarnated as a King or a rock star). But instead I did the unthinkable. Knock, knock.

Me: “Listen Catherine, don’t worry I’m not naked or anything. But I was just wondering; do you happen to have any cash on you?”

That’s it. Get this man a first class ticket to hell. I am definitely coming back as a toilet seat when my time is up.

Catherine: “Huh. Why? What for?”

Well it’s actually to pay for a hooker and I only have 40 pounds. If you think about it, it’s only right that you pay the rest as this is entirely your fault for being a frigid, prick teasing cow.

Is what I should have said. But as I hadn’t thought it through properly, what I actually came up with was, “Oh, I was thinking of getting a cab back home and don’t think I have enough.”

Catherine: “Sorry, I only have a fiver on me. But there’s a cash machine about 5 minutes away on the high street.”

Now I was fucked. Once I left the flat I would be completely out of options. Hmm. How did such a promising situation turn into this.

Whilst I stood there pondering, Catherine had put on her dressing gown and had already opened the front door to let me out.

Down trodden, humiliated and finally accepting defeat, I apologised again for what had happened earlier and made my way to the front door. But before leaving I asked to use her bathroom and had the most furious of wanks.

Perhaps if I had just done that earlier in one of the bar toilets I wouldn’t have been in that situation. But then again, where’s the fun in that?

On the cab ride home I kept thinking where it all went wrong; first with Catherine and then with the attempted pro. And what could I possibly have said to allow me to leave, get cash and come back to hers?

Oh and before I forget. This was the first of the three further occasions I ended up back at Catherine’s. The end result on visits three and four were much, much better.

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

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70 comments on “Totally misread the situation

  1. I enjoyed this more!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd July 13

      Haha. Thank you.

      Like

      • I want to hear the stories of time three and four and why the hell she was fighting the second time

        Liked by 1 person

        • Sean Smithson
          22nd July 13

          Definitely my favourite ‘commenter’ so far…

          You know, I never could figure out what made her grow a conscience THAT night as she was still with the same guy on occasions three and four.

          I’m pretty certain she knows about this blog now though. So there sure as shit won’t be a five or a six!

          If I ever write about the other encounters, I’ll email them to you first.

          Like

          • sugarmytips
            31st July 13

            It was that your approach was so offensive. She couldn’t give it up without feeling a little insulted. You should have started by actually talking a little, acting sweet, giving the warm up touch so that she didn’t have to feel like a total slore when you got nakes.

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            1st August 13

            You’re right. I was a total wanker that night and behaved far too arrogantly. Luckily I adopted your approach on occasions three and four though. Just need to make sure I don’t forget that advice in the future!

            Really enjoying your blog by the way. I kind of wish I was your male equivalent…

            Hopefully see you round these parts more often…

            Like

          • sugarmytips
            1st August 13

            Thanks! I’m dating your Aussie manwhore equivalent so your blog may help keep him a little more drama free.

            Like

  2. dextrocephalic
    23rd July 13

    Hey Thanks for dropping by my post or I couldn’t have come across your revelations from the past. *still chuckling*

    Like

  3. silvaslove
    25th July 13

    Thanks for liking my poem. I really enjoyed this!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th July 13

      Glad to hear you enjoyed the story. And guys, before you accuse me of going soft or anything, the poem was about sex ok!

      Like

      • silvaslove
        25th July 13

        lol just so your friends can know my poems are far from “soft” . lots have to do with sex…

        Like

  4. erpurpone10
    26th July 13

    Smithson, it’s Matt. This is the SHIT brother hahahahaha

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th July 13

      Cheers man. Though I didn’t recognise you travelling incognito like that… Welcome brother.

      Like

  5. lazylauramaisey
    9th September 13

    The furious wank was my favourite bit. I bet that showed her!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      9th September 13

      Haha. I like that.

      Though on a serious note, I suspect that most of the embarrassing situations I’ve gotten myself into could’ve been avoided if I’d just done that at the beginning of the night. Thank goodness I don’t listen to my own advice!

      Like

  6. CuriousEmily
    11th September 13

    I’ve just re-read this, and it’s still one of my favourite internet things of all time.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th September 13

      Not only is this now my favourite comment. But I think it could be the best comment ever! And coming from a skilled wordsmith as yourself, it’s quite the compliment. Thank you.

      How’s the Vegas come down..? Nothing like our shit weather to remind you that you’re home!

      Like

  7. Dating Jane Doe
    16th September 13

    Absolutely hilarious! Thank you for making me snort hot tea through my nose:P

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      16th September 13

      Haha. I’m so pleased you thought so. Though I am sorry the tea was hot!

      There are plenty more embarrassing stories in the locker so please come back Jane. I really appreciate the vists…

      Like

  8. seaofcurves
    16th September 13

    You’re funny – how nice and refreshing to find your blog.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      16th September 13

      Thanks very much Sea of Curves. I’m glad you enjoyed the story. But even more so that you found me in this ever expanding blogoshpere…

      Like

  9. mikemajor9
    14th October 13

    Dude! Sure, I’ve been married for quite a while, so maybe I’ve missed some of the new moves – but – do girls really go for the whole “Just get your tackle out and knock on their bedroom door” gambit very often? Ha-ha – man, oh man, I was laughing my ass off at this one. Well told sir, well told indeed 🙂

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th October 13

      Cheers Mike. This was actually the very first story I wrote and in truth, probably the one that inspired me to try my hand at witing. So I’m glad you liked it.

      With regard to the ‘naked man’; I can tell you that the two times I have tried this in my life, it has ended in complete disaster! Unsurprisingly…

      Will I try it again? Absolutely. As it’s got to work eventually right?

      Like

  10. Sean Smithson
    8th November 13

    Reblogged this on The Office Inbetweener and commented:

    Sorry. I hit re-blog by ‘accident’.

    Though had I have done so deliberately, I probably would have said something like…

    ‘If you haven’t had a chance to check this one out before, please do as it’s some of my best / worst work (depending on your point of view).’

    That was all I had. Carry on.

    Like

  11. vixenincognola
    8th November 13

    And this is exactly why God gave me a vagina- I would make you look like a Prince Charming!
    I was smirking and plotting as I was reading.
    I am eager to read about the subsequent visits 🙂

    Thank you for the share!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th November 13

      Prince Charming you say? We should definitely hang out some time. Interested to know what you were plotting..?

      Pleased you enjoyed it though. Some women seem to draw the conclusion that I’m an absolute douche after reading this one… I’m still puzzled as to why.

      Like

      • vixenincognola
        9th November 13

        Men and women are wired different- that is a fact. Naturally the majority of the female will always want to blame the penis for demanding or “vocalizing” his sexual wants/needs/desires.
        Hence why you may have been called a douche for your story- but the kicker in it is… She slept with you after all this soooo who’s the douche?! Haha.

        Sorry for the rant… I could go on and on how I think females are too “girly” when it comes to sex.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          9th November 13

          I repeat. We should definitely hang out some time!

          Like

          • vixenincognola
            9th November 13

            Mm hmmm

            We should go for drinks and set up a camera to catch people’s reactions to our conversations. 🙂

            That my friend would be priceless entertainment.

            Like

  12. gingerfightback
    8th November 13

    Class. She sound like an appalling judge of character!

    Like

  13. liamfox83
    8th November 13

    I don’t understand why Catherine was playing hard to get. If I were a girl my knickers would’ve been out the way even before you arrived from the party. Why else would I give you my number AND tell you you could sleep over? But…that’s just me.

    You are just too smart for your own good BUT I love it.

    Like

  14. cpmandara
    8th November 13

    One word: Incorrigible.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th November 13

      I’m taking that as a compliment. Though that’s mainly because I don’t actually know what it means…

      Okay. I’ve just looked it up. I’m still taking it as a compliment. Thank you.

      Like

  15. charlypriest
    8th November 13

    You´re a slick bastard,
    I have two serious thoughts on this, why not get Lucy she´s the senior consultant you could´ve worked your magic with her and get promoted quickly. And second….just take out more cash out with you when you go out.
    A third one, I forgot, should´ve explain the situation to the escort guy he probably has a little heart and your predicament, well it´s an unwritten rule that dudes have to help each other in that type of situations which happen often, because what a situation that you created.
    Had to laugh out loud on occasions, even the dogs looked at me like I was nuts…wich I am.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th November 13

      I first read this as a ‘sick’ bastard. Which would have been a totally fair comment actually.

      “Even the dogs looked at me like I was nuts”… I like that. I like that a lot.

      Like

  16. AnswerIt
    8th November 13

    I enjoy reading your posts, you have an easy style to read, I often find myself too lazy to read other people’s post yet when I get to the end of your blog post I feel disappointed that it ended. Waiting eagerly for the next chapter.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th November 13

      Wow, thank you. I truly appreciate that.

      Well if you can hold on for just a little while longer then you can enjoy a whole book of my ‘adventures in how not to get laid’. Though I shall be updating the blog with new material too.

      Feel free to look around in the meantime though…

      PS – Your posts regularly make me laugh. Though I think you may know that already.

      Like

  17. intothebeauty
    8th November 13

    Hahahah oh man. Shut down. Yeah, she totally wanted it. I wouldn’t let any guy stay over unless I knew I was gettin’ it. Plain and simple.

    Like

  18. nancytex2013
    9th November 13

    Brilliant. You became my official hero when you actually asked her for money for the hooker.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. skinnyuz2b
    10th November 13

    You are (were?) incorrigible, SS. On the other hand, she did say the sheets were already used.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th November 13

      Definitely ‘were’ not are. Sort of…

      Do you know, until you made the comment about the sheets, that thought had never even crossed my mind. I like your style.

      Like

  20. girlseule
    10th November 13

    You are shameless, and funny as fuck.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. lifeconfusions
    12th November 13

    You, sir, should write a freaking book and I’ll be the first one to buy…Promise !

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th November 13

      Ha. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

      And do you know, I am actually in the process of doing just that. I’ll most certainly let you know when it’s finished!

      Like

  22. "Un-Call" Girl
    2nd December 13

    This is hilarious! But I do agree maybe being a little more “foreplay being cute trying to get her going” would have been a much better idea! There have been times even though I did want sex, the guys approach just turned me off. Sometimes if you want something, you may have to do a smidge of work 😉

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd December 13

      Ha. You’re totally right, I know. I screwed this one up royally…

      Still, others have been able to laugh at my misfortune so it wasn’t a total disaster. Glad you enjoyed it. By the way, your link (not gravatar) is still playing up..?

      Like

  23. The Hook
    8th December 13

    At least you gave it the ole college try…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th December 13

      I’m not sure Catherine saw it that way… But yes, there is that I guess.

      Like

  24. TIA
    9th December 13

    This wasnt your most romantic approach, but it seems like youre really starting to learn valuable lessons. 🙂

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th December 13

      Ha. I thought for sure girls love that kind of thing..?

      Hmm… I’m not sure how much I’ve really learnt over the years. But yes, I won’t be running up on a girl naked anytime soon.

      Like

  25. Nieki85
    10th December 13

    I cant breath at laughing. i have to send this to everyone i know.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th December 13

      This could be my new favourite comment… And thank you kindly. Any support, shares, etc. is greatly appreciated.

      Like

  26. Trent Lewin
    16th January 14

    Holy crow, what a flippin story… I think I just spit up a drink I haven’t consumed yet… I thought for sure she’d have admitted him to the inner sanctum after the escort fail…. must see next parts.

    I heard a trick to fix the following thing. Going to try it now. Don’t worry, it’s not messy. At all.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      17th January 14

      Too many good things in this comment but my favourite has to be ‘I think I just spit up a drink I haven’t consumed yet…’

      Glad you enjoyed the read my friend. Did the trick work by the way?

      Like

      • Trent Lewin
        17th January 14

        Yes, totally did, you’re in my reader now. All I did was take your URL and go to the edit feature on the reader, and put in the follow box and hit follow. For some reason, manually inserting the URL in there rather than just hitting the follow button totally works. Got this tip from a few other people that had similar problem.

        As far as I’m concerned, you now exist.

        Like

  27. Blossom Brouillard
    25th February 14

    While the pro showing up would have been over the top, the rest is kind of fun. I, for one have never really been able to turn down sex in the middle of the night. Even if i do, i always charge my mind within minutes. My feeling is usually ” oh what the hell… why not?

    only deterrent might be if the guy was totally hammered. I’m wondering how wasted you were. Probably why you were shut down.

    I actually applaud your “balls out” bravado! Literally. Clearly she didn’t feel threatened in any way. I’m just surprised you didn’t handle it yourself sooner and go to sleep. I’m not much of a drinker anymore. But that used to be my fav way to sober up a bit before nodding off.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th February 14

      You’re right, it would’ve been pretty bad if a brass had shown up but I was thinking with my penis at the time.

      Ha. I’m pretty certain I got shut down for being an arrogant, insensitive prick and nothing else. But thanks for sparing my feelings.

      Like

  28. Pingback: Featured new release: How to LOSE a Girl in 10 Ways by Sean Smithson

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This entry was posted on 27th November 13 by in Relationship Dos & DONTS and tagged , , , , , , , .

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