The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

Turn up with a guy who has more money than you

I think I first met Christina back in ‘05 as I was still on XY’s graduate programme at the time. Following a minor ticking off from management about my billable hours, John took me out to cheer me up and discuss what I could do to improve my stats.

Being the only male assistant manager at the time, I guess they figured he’d make the best mentor. Though had they have known of our mutual appreciation of booze and titties at the outset, I’m sure they would have reconsidered. We eventually ended up in Secrets.

If I had any idea that night how many times I’d be back; I would have tried to make a better first impression. But as you’ll note from the equation below, it wasn’t my fault.

Woeful graduate salary + unhealthy love of hookers + student Barclaycard

=

Derisory strip club kitty

I wasn’t quite as pathetic as I was in Prague but I was still a sucker for pretty girls who showed me any sort of attention. So when John left me on my own I knew I was fucked.

A solitary minute passed before I was duped into a dance that on reflection, was definitely a waste of money. My hope was that John would be back when Miss ‘you have no chance of ‘accidentally’ grabbing my boobs’ was done but when I returned, he was off again.

This time I stayed strong for two whole R Kelly songs and thought I was saved when John sat back down. But then SHE clocked me. For the porn enthusiasts, she looked a lot like a younger, pre boob job Brandi Love.

… brief interlude while you Google Images her…

I’m not even sure that I waited for the usual sales pitch and believe I just said “yes please” when she made eye contact with me.

Now being super-hot is one thing but you would sooner have a 7 or an 8 who knew how to ‘work it’ – I only found out years later that these were essentially all Parkers girls – over a 10 that stood five feet away and just went through the motions. So I had to have a trial run first before deciding how much of my remaining funds I would commit (excluding cab fare and the trial run, I had about £60).

Well. Not only was she a 10. But her milk shake definitely brought all the boys to the yard so I was more than happy to spend everything.

Okay so she's a brunette. But Brandi Love never responded to my tweet!

OK so she’s a brunette.
But Brandi Love never responded to my tweet!

Christina: “You know, for £100 we could go to a more private booth?”

Me: “Is THAT right?”

She was borderline dry humping me for 40 sheets. Surely there was an outside possibility of fingering for 100.

“Ok do you mind waiting here? I just want to let my boss know I could be a while?” That. And I want to ask for £40.

Christina: “Oh that guy was your boss was he?”

Me: “Yeah, why?” I responded, oblivious to how this was going to end.

Christina: “Oh no reason. See you in a bit.”

Thankfully John was still at the table and more surprisingly, he was on his own. I had just explained the pickle I was in and was about to ask for the money when I heard “So you’re Sean’s boss are you?”

h22f4306c

Me: “Oh heeeey” I said, pretending that I was expecting her arrival. “I thought you were going to wait in the booth? Sorry. John, Christina. Christina, John.”

Christina: “Hi John” she beamed, offering out her gold-digging hand to shake his. “I was going to but then I thought I’d join you boys for a drink if that was ok?” Cue puppy dog eyes and sultry pout. Whore.

John: “Yeah, of course that’s ok. What would you like?” Mother-fucker.

All I could think about while we sat there awkwardly waiting for our drinks was; ‘yes, she was a complete gold-digger (just doing her job), but she was MY gold-digger. I saw her first so do the right thing here John. Give me the money and walk away’.

Is that what you think happened?

John: “Oh look the drinks are here. Listen, Sean mentioned something earlier about a private booth? Why don’t we have our drinks there instead?”

OH NO HE DIDN’T

Christina: “That sounds perfect.” “Have a good night sweetie” she said, winking at me as she strutted off.

I tried not to look at her in case she saw the tears of rejection in my eyes and instead glared at John, with a ‘dude, what the fuck?’ look.

John: “Sorry mate, she’s just too fit.”

Me: “I know that you dick!”

John: “I presume you’ll be gone when I get back so erm… I’ll see you at work tomorrow, yeah?”

Some bloody mentor. I was more upset now than at the beginning of the night.

And he never actually explained how I should be reporting my billable hours either.

John’s head was buried in his hands the next morning – hopefully nursing an awful hangover though potentially sniffing his fingers – but that didn’t stop me from reminding him what a wanker he was.

“Look mate, I’m sorry but I’m a tad fragile right now so can we do this later? Plus you should read my email as it might cheer you up.”

He was right. It did.

Including cab fare and late night snacks from the Esso garage, I’d spent almost £150 that night. Which may not sound like much but was a significant dent in an already drained graduate wallet; especially for such a forgettable night.

But that was nothing compared to the £680 she had fleeced him for! Apparently he didn’t even have enough for a cab and had to walk back home. Karma my friends… Karma.

As fate would have it, I would actually meet Christina again. But I guess you’re going to have to stick around to find out what happened that night.

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

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78 comments on “Turn up with a guy who has more money than you

  1. saisiva
    26th April 13

    “… brief interlude while you Google Images her…” Brilliant!

    Like

  2. D & L
    22nd July 13

    Nice one Sean Smithson. I never thought of using my dirty London stories as blog fodder.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd July 13

      Thanks man. Though I’m a little confused.

      Your profile says France, your blog – VERY funny by the way – suggests Australia but you have tales from London. Where’s home?

      I look forward to reading one of those ‘dirty London stories’ someday…

      Like

  3. Marie
    22nd July 13

    What have we learned?
    1. Do not frequent strip clubs with anybody who has the evidence of carrying more moolah than you.
    2. Google images = endless sources of joy
    3. And this one’s on me: the best stripper magnet is another woman. Find a friend, any lady friend who will accompany you, and the doors will open wider than ever before.

    Not that I would know. Really. Shit. But, traveling with race car teams for years did… enlighten me? Or so to say. Right. I’m out of here now.

    See that? It’s me clicking away…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      22nd July 13

      Right then, if you ever make it to the UK, you and I are hitting the tiddy-bar!

      Like

      • Marie
        22nd July 13

        Ha! At 5 knots per hour, I’ll be there in a year. Or two. 😉

        Like

  4. lbellinlondon
    25th July 13

    I enjoy the fact that, going through my blog likes, I went from someone who’s tagline is ‘Author, thinker, life strategist’ to ‘working, womanizing and ‘other stuff’ in London’.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th July 13

      Hey, I do that other shit too. But I just prefer my stuff… Good to have you on board.

      Like

  5. lexborgia
    11th August 13

    ‘I stayed strong for two whole R Kelly songs’- fantanbulizzle, mate, love the way you drop the slang, and the writing style in general – ‘real time’ ripper. Carry on. Cheers.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th August 13

      Yes mate! Think this could be the best comment I’ve received..? Thanks a lot; it’s certainly appreciated.

      Noticed that you checked out a few other pieces too. Again, very grateful and hopefully I’ll see you around more often….

      Like

      • lexborgia
        11th August 13

        I’ll be back – takes time(read the 2nd last paragraph of my Operations Manual) but I usually get there, and a dirty whore like yourself is not easily forgotten. Cheers.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          11th August 13

          ‘Operations Manual’ carefully studied and understood (I hope). Love the concept of your blog.

          Yours,
          A Dirty Whore

          Like

  6. juststoplooking
    11th August 13

    So, whatever happened about the billable hours dilemma????? Did you ever learn how to report them???

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      11th August 13

      Yet another corker of a comment. Nice.

      Erm no, unfortunately I never learnt how to play the game correctly… So much so that in my first year appraisal, my boss told me that I’d probably missed out on paid overtime of around one month’s salary…

      So you see, he really was a horrible boss.

      Like

  7. skinnyuz2b
    7th October 13

    SS, such a learning experience. I never learned to play the game either, but my game was slightly different. I needed a summer job in order to stay in my college town and party (as opposed to returning home).
    Past experience showed I stunk as a waitress, so I got a job as the first woman cab driver for Yellow Cab in Green Bay, WI. This was in 1972. No GPS. No sense of direction. No ability to pad the bill. After paying the rent for the cab, I averaged a little over $1 an hour. Even way back then, this was not a living wage.
    I quit after a few weeks and set the women’s movenment back a few years.
    And thanks for enjoying my tales from the 50s and 60s.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th October 13

      For sure, I really like the way you’ve set the site up. And the stories of course.

      Sorry about the cab gig though…

      Like

  8. jojogrrl
    8th October 13

    Hi from the second most boring capital city in the world (Riyadh is number one due to lack if bars and clubs)! Love your work. It appears that it doesn’t matter what graduate profession one has, we all get f&%$ed over by someone. Keep up the good work!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th October 13

      Hello again.

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed this one. Ha. Yes, though I think most people get fucked over in relation to their work rather than in the tiddy-bar!

      By the way, this is a safe place; you can swear as much as you like. And thanks for clearing up the Riyadh thing. I definitely won’t bother visiting.

      Hope the dating scene is treating you well. And again, thanks for stopping by…

      Like

  9. lazylauramaisey
    28th October 13

    O no, he didn’t!? Ruuuuude. Surely that’s a sackable offence? Even though he’s YOUR boss and it happened outside of work. But, like, whatever. You have been wronged!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th October 13

      My thoughts exactly Laura. My thoughts exactly…

      Still. At least I got to meet her again… Though I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait for the book to find out what happened that night / morning!

      Like

  10. lionaroundwriting
    16th November 13

    ‘This time I stayed strong for two whole R Kelly songs’ – haha.

    Like

  11. Christyherself
    19th November 13

    I don’t like her. I hope something shitty happens to her in the next part.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      19th November 13

      Ha. Love this comment Christy. And I think that you’re the first person to side with me rather than just laugh at me for being so pathetic. Which is totally reasonable by the way… The next encounter is a doozie. But I’m afraid I’m saving that one for the book.

      Like

      • Christyherself
        19th November 13

        I think I should get to do a critique of that section for your book. 🙂 LOL

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          19th November 13

          I think you should too. Seriously. Though of course you’d have to buy the book first!

          Like

          • Christyherself
            19th November 13

            Dammit Sean! ARC!! lol

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            19th November 13

            Forgive my ignorance and don’t laugh. But ARC?

            And of course you don’t have to buy the book. I would just be forever indebted to you and most grateful if you did!

            Like

          • Christyherself
            19th November 13

            advance review copy … I do have a separate blog where I review books/movies/tv/music but I’m not much of a writer. So yea, you may not want to send one to me. I’ll be on the lookout for your book for sure though. 🙂

            Like

  12. List of X
    26th November 13

    Okay… I did not realize you could get jealous in a strip club. I’m sure Christina would be happy to see you and your money (particularly the latter). Off to google Brandi Love – to better relate to your story, of course.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th November 13

      Ha. I’ve lost count of the times a stripper has ‘cheated on me’ with one of my friends… And you’re right, she was definitely happy to see my money again some years later. At least I’ll always have Brandi Love.

      Like

  13. Luke
    26th November 13

    This is sharp enough to be in the New Yorker … honestly. It’s sassy-funny and brimful of witty wisdom. I love it. The title of the New Yorker (or Playboy, it’s as hard to get published there as the New Yorker, but I’d submit this to them immediately) piece should be, “I’ll always have Brandi Love.”

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th November 13

      Oh wow, that’s really kind man. Thank you.

      Though a) I don’t even know if they accept submissions and b) if they did, I’m sure they would just rubbish this.

      This is actually one of the few stories that I’m including in the book. Partly because I really like the story. But also because my second encounter with Christina will feature; and it won’t make as much sense to people (who don’t follow the blog) otherwise.

      So the fact that you were so complimentary about it makes me feel even more vidicated for including it.

      Love that title suggestion by the way. If you don’t mind, I may actually change it to that for the book. Now if I could just get Brandi to notice any of my tweets…

      Like

      • Luke
        26th November 13

        Ha ! (On the tweets) … both Playboy and New Yorker accept submissions. Playboy pays better, from what I hear, and you retain royalty … so you can still put it in your book. I’ve had many things published in magazines and journals, and I can say (perhaps not modestly) that it’s all in the quality and original nature of your writing. You hit the mark on both of those.

        Of course, use the title … they’re your words and it’s a good title 😉

        Like

  14. Aussa Lorens
    28th November 13

    Oh my gosh, this. All of this. That’s nuts and even more nuts that you went to a strip club with your boss?! The only non-work place I have ever gone with my boss is to a cemetery and that was all the excitement I could handle.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      28th November 13

      The cemetery… Man that doesn’t sound good.

      Ha. He was more like my senior to be honest. But ‘Horrible Seniors’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it, you know?

      My next encounter with her was on a different scale though… believe me!

      PS – I don’t really like commenting on the more serious stuff that I read. But your piece for Black Box was wicked… I hope you know what I mean when I said that, right?

      PPS – Happy Thanksgiving!

      Like

      • Aussa Lorens
        28th November 13

        Hahaha yes– I actually spend a lot of time in cemeteries, but this particular day he joined me and it was his BIRTHDAY. I was like “Really?! Morbid, much?”

        And I can’t wait to hear about the next encounter…. When are you planning to post it??

        PS- Aw, thank you! I can understand holding back on commenting, for sure. But thank you– I definitely know what you mean 🙂

        PPS- Right back at ya!

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          28th November 13

          On reflection, maybe I should have commented on the post. As one of the latest readers of this blog found me after I made that comment on Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy about having an average sized penis!

          Glad you know what I meant though…

          Ah, I’m saving the next encounter for my book actually. It’s already written and there are days when I am seriously tempted to stick it on here but as I say in my latest post, this was always just a temporary gig until the book was ready. I’d love to get your thoughts on it (not just that story) when it’s out.

          Fear not though. I shall most certainly still be checking your blog out once I’ve disappeared…

          For what little it’s worth, I think you should do a book one day too.

          Like

          • Aussa Lorens
            28th November 13

            Oh my gosh, the penis comment– watch out buddy, because I’m doing my “best of” comments on Sunday and that one is totally on there!!!! BAHAHAHA– who was it that found you from my blog? I have to know…

            And oooo yes, the book. Yours sounds like something I will need to read. And… I am hoping to. I have something that I wrote a few years back about the running away/traveling etc. It’s similar in style to my blog, but has an actual point haha. The traditional publishing route didn’t work out so I’m having it edited right now and then I may try to self publish… who knows, I don’t have a clue where to begin but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Are you self-publishing or going the traditional route?

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            28th November 13

            Your ‘comments’ posts are wicked. And actually, not something I’ve seen elsewhere so I’m crediting you with inventing it.

            Man, I am honoured to make that list for sure. The lines I quoted from your post were pretty special too if I recall..?

            Oh well I’ll definitely pick up a copy when you’re ready to get it out there. I prefer the ‘bloggers’ that tell stories rather than daily updates. Unless it’s funny. I classify you in the story teller category for sure.

            I met with an agent (friend of a friend) but he was worried about the content haha. And I got absolutely fucking killed by the very first agent (non-friend) I approached.

            But then I took a gamble and sent a partial manuscript to Tucker Max’s publishers…

            They passed unfortunately. But the lady I spoke to was pretty positive about it all and encouraged me to pursue it via self-publishing. Which is precisely what I’m doing.

            Oh yeah. And regarding the lady that found me through you, her name’s Julie I believe. But I don’t think she’s a blogger?

            I think she may have commented on the new post. But if not that one, she was all over the “Followers, what’s it all about” post.

            PS – Sorry about the shameless plugging of my other posts.

            PPS – Not really.

            Like

          • Aussa Lorens
            28th November 13

            Yes, Julie! Awesome! Hahahaha she is going to be on the comments post as well. And no harm on plugging your posts. When are you planning to have it out and ready? (PS Tucker Max makes total sense, haha)

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            28th November 13

            Oh yes. She describes you as amazing.

            Personally I wouldn’t go this far. But you’re pretty cool!

            Like

          • Julie
            3rd December 13

            OMG!! You guys are talking about me! HAHAHA That there is some funny shit!

            For what its worth the whore was, well, a whore. I don’t like her one bit, I am with Christyherself on this one.

            I don’t want you to stop writing here when you have your book done, unless we pen pal it. I have grown to enjoy pretending we are friends. Like I do with Aussa as well, although she secretly wants to make me crazy-er than I am already, what with her devil may care adventures. I swear I would have talked her out of so much of what she writes about.

            and No, I do not blog, I just am a social hermit. haha. You guys just make me want to talk to you.

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            4th December 13

            I’m not sure if Aussa will have received a notification of this message… But I shall mention that her crazy friend continues to provide much entertainment when we next speak.

            We’ll see how the book / real life goes… Though I suspect I will stop writing on the blog. But as you say, we can become naked pen pals. Or better still, naked Skype pals?

            Like

          • Julie
            4th December 13

            🙂 You are so amusing. I will be sad when you stop writing…

            Like

  15. The Hook
    4th December 13

    I had something witty and insightful to say… then I saw that pic….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      4th December 13

      Which in itself is witty and insightful…

      Welcome The Hook. First List of X, then Aussa and now you. I’m touched. Though maybe it was just the milkshake that brought you all here..?

      Like

  16. cpmandara
    9th December 13

    Christina’s are awesome… what more can I say?

    Like

  17. charlypriest
    15th December 13

    Male assistant?…. Jesus Christ. And then you´re the boss, can you give me her phone number, money grabbing whores…I like.
    Fun read.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th December 13

      As long as there are morons like me and John, there will be women like Christina… God bless them.

      Like

  18. Sean Smithson
    2nd January 14

    Reblogged this on The Office Inbetweener and commented:

    Happy New Year everybody! May this year bring you… and so forth.
    Yes, I’m afraid it’s another re-blog. However I’ve gone back to the lab on this one and really feel like I’ve improved it. And by that I mean, I think I’ve found the best Patrick Stewart meme of all time. Enjoy.
    New story to follow next week.

    Like

  19. ZakcHead
    2nd January 14

    Great photo !

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd January 14

      I know, right? I’d even go as far as saying that I prefer it to the other one. Maybe…

      Like

  20. Sharn
    2nd January 14

    680 POUNDS?!?!!!!!

    Jebus on a stick.

    You got off lightly!!

    I could get 2 pairs of awesomely awesome boots for that! Ohhhh.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd January 14

      Ah you see now that’s where we clearly differ in our thinking. As even though that is a ghastly sum. I’d still view that as a better return on investment than boots!

      Like

  21. janeybgood
    2nd January 14

    One of my male friends begged me to go to a strip club with him as his logic was that strippers would surely find him several hundred (rough estimation) times more attractive if he brought a girl along.
    We were there about five minutes when one approached us. My friend was giddily thanking me as I was trying to mutter that we women don’t particularly find men clapping like seals very attractive (see: Brendan Frasier)
    So she walks up and says ‘how about a dance honey?” and that’s when I realise… She’s talking to me! All these thoughts are going through my head like “hmm not sure if my boyfriend at home would be really mad or think that this is the best thing ever”. And she wasn’t the only one that night. One even bought me a drink. So I ended up being kind of like your boss, sorry. But I did tell most of them that “I’m just window shopping, not actually trying anything on”.
    Enjoyed your story! And don’t worry, there’s plenty more money-grabbing strippers in the sea 😉

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd January 14

      I’m 100% positive that your boyfriend would’ve thought that was the best thing ever! You’re right though. You’d definitely be a ‘horrible boss’…

      Pleased you enjoyed the story. And believe me, I know.

      Like

  22. intothebeauty
    2nd January 14

    DUDE! I can’t believe your boss was going to steal your whore. How low.

    That shit IS karma. I hope he had itchy balls the next day too.

    Another great story, brah. 🙂

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd January 14

      I know, right? Ha. Itchy balls… Remind me never to cross you. Glad you enjoyed it.

      Like

  23. MeglyMc
    2nd January 14

    Everyone pays for sex…sometimes it’s just more of an honest transaction than others. 🙂

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd January 14

      Ah Megan. I’ve missed you and your ball busting humour (Google is insisting I remove the ‘u’ but fuck him/her/it) my dear.

      I’m still not getting the new posts by the way..?

      Like

      • MeglyMc
        3rd January 14

        WTF!? I think that it’s not alerting most people, because my traffic from people who ACTUALLY follow has been down. I will try and remember to call them tomorrow and do some REAL ball-busting. 🙂

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          3rd January 14

          Definitely do. I only saw your latest because of this exchange. And it would be a great shame if regular readers were to miss out on your Megly goodness.

          PS – is the fact that I’m being so flattering and looking out for your WordPress wellbeing changing your mind at all about wanting to have sex with me?

          Like

          • MeglyMc
            3rd January 14

            MILF fetish starting? It’s alllll the rage.

            Like

  24. bloggedartistry
    23rd January 14

    This post provided some much needed levity! Thank You from across the pond 🙂

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      23rd January 14

      Most welcome sir. Anything I can do to help; especially at this time.

      If you have the time and want to take your mind off things, I’d encourage you to have a thorough rummage around. As stories where I end up looking like a dick are my specialty.

      Like

  25. samara
    27th January 14

    In strip clubs, He With the Fattest Wallet Wins. So funny that people didn’t understand why you would go there with your douchecanoe boss. Stripclubs are after work hang outs.

    Is there any way to read these chronologically?

    I should talk – my posts are so schizophrenic – I can’t even figure out the central theme of my blog! It started in one direction and keeps diving all over the place.

    I have lots of your blog to catch up on…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th January 14

      I know, right? I was a little surprised by how many people were surprised. If you know what I mean?

      Ha. No, I’m afraid not Samara. As not only do I have no idea what I’m going to write about or when; I’ve fucked around with the dates of the posts in order to make them more/less visible on the home page, so everything is one big mess.

      But if it helps at all, barring the piece about my dad, the recurring theme in all the other stories is horny, drunken, douchebag. And speaking of; I love your use of douchecanoe. We don’t have them here.

      Now the same question to you. How should I go about reading yours?

      Like

      • samara
        27th January 14

        Trent loves my use of that word. We’ve made 2014 the Year of the Douchecanoe. And I wrote a random history post bashing a president USING douchecanoe in the title.

        I’m beyond flattered that you want to read my blog. I don’t know –
        there are some sort-of categories.

        At the moment, I’m having a blog identity crisis. Can’t figure out what this blog wants to be. So I’m a bit all over the place.

        You made my day, really. Wanting to read my blog. Very sweet.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          27th January 14

          It’s true though. And speaking of Trent, I literally just got done telling him I loved you. Though I have said this to Molly, La La…

          That doesn’t make it any less true though!

          Like

  26. Shelley
    14th February 14

    Have I read this one too? Ha! Ha! One too many margaritas me thinks. Anyhooo…. Karma is a B#$%H!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th February 14

      I’m not sure Shelley… Maybe? This is certainly your first comment on the story. And yes, definitely a bitch. A bit like Christina.

      Like

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This entry was posted on 5th January 14 by in Boys will be Boys and tagged , , , , , .
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