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Smithson vs Girl Seule – The Threesome

When you’ve watched as much porn as I have, there are certain things you inevitably want to experience for yourself. And for me – and I imagine many guys – the top three were always: having sex with a MILF, anal sex and taking part in a threesome.

Now I actually managed to nail the first two (see what I did there) in one go, way back when I was still on the graduate scheme at XY. And in the 10 years that followed, I’ve repeated both feats three times. Though I may or may not have had to pay for it as an optional extra on one occasion.

But to date, the threesome still continues to elude me. As unless you’re incredibly lucky one drunken night, finding TWO girls who are genuinely comfortable with the MFF set-up is to find the proverbial needle(s) in a haystack.

In fact, I’ve yet to meet a guy who has ‘actually’ checked this off their sexual to-do list and was beginning to doubt it ever ‘just happens’ until I came across Girl Seule and her simply wonderful blog, The S-Word.

If there is one thing I learned from having a go at a threesome, it’s that sexually, I just don’t dig chicks. This is no reflection on my gorgeous friend Tash who was also involved in said threesome but I think it’s safe to say I won’t be rolling round Taco Town again anytime soon (after this post, I’d have to say, LIKEWISE). Also, it’s hard enough to try and angle my body to hide the gross bits when having sex with one person, two people was nigh on impossible.

It was a Sunday evening in ’02 or ’03 and I was in a hotel room in Sydney with a couple of girlfriends and a guy named George that we had met hours earlier at a pub down in The Rocks. It had been a messy night that was about to get messier. One of my girlfriends had the good sense to head home, leaving two trashed girls and a trashed guy alone in a hotel room.

I went out on the veranda for a cigarette and returned to find Tash and George kissing on the bed. I sort of stood there feeling a bit awkward and pervy while Tash and George pashed on and dry humped each other.

I was about to make my excuses and leave when George stopped kissing Tash for a moment and asked me to join them.

slow-clap-oGive it up for George everybody!

Nowadays, I wouldn’t be too keen to start hooking up with one of my mates, but with the devil-may-care attitude of a 20-year-old I decided to dive right in. Soon we were all taking turns kissing each other, hands wondering everywhere, clothes coming off. Guys, it’s OK if you have a boner right now as I do too.

Seeing as it was clearly supposed to be a three-some, Tash and I reckoned we probably should have a go at some girl on girl stuff. YESSS!

While Tash was making out with George, I decided to have an awkward attempt at, errrr, pleasuring her with my hands. Since that night I have not once mocked men for being unable to find the clitoris.

praying cat

When it isn’t your own you are looking for, it really is quite hard to find. I know my way around my own vagina quite well, but touching another person’s just felt strange and confusing.

You know when you borrow someone else’s car and you are so used to driving your own on autopilot that you put the windscreen wipers on to indicate when you want to turn? Then you feel warm so you go to put the A/C on, only, somehow all you do is put on the heater and then you can’t turn it off. Then you go to put on the radio and find it’s tuned in to John Laws and you try and find how to turn it on to FM so you can put Triple J on while still trying to keep your eyes on the road, only you can’t figure out how. So you are driving along in a boiling hot car, listening to John Laws then it starts to rain so you put the blinker on? You know how that happens when you drive someone else’s car? Well that is how I felt trying to navigate my friend’s vagina. Best. Visual. Ever.

Tash had a sort of half-arsed attempt at going down on me, but I think she pretty much got down there, thought “Hmmm nope, eating pussy is just not for me,” and came back up again. The girl on girl action really wasn’t going anywhere, so George rolled on a condom, and Tash climbed on top and they started to go for it.

Tash has a magnificent set of large bosoms that would make most men go weak in the knees. Unfortunately, I am not most men. While she was on top, I thought I better try and get a bit more involved in this threesome lark, so I had a bit of a go at fondling her boobies. Breasts as we all know are soft and squishy and nice to look at, but groping around at my friends bosoms while she was on top of someone shagging him just felt a bit weird. Give her an A for effort though.

After a few minutes of bonking Tash, George offered me a turn.

slow-clap-oLet’s hear it again for George

‘Why not?’ I thought. At that point it wasn’t like I had anything better to do.

“Yeah OK”, I said, “But can you put a different condom on first?” Nothing against Tash’s vagina but sharing a condom that had just been inside her made me queasy.

In the end, it was less of a three-some where everyone was into everyone, and more of a two chicks taking turns to have sex with a guy. A guy named George. A guy named George who was probably most pleased he decided to go and have a beer in The Rocks that night.

So you see, even WHEN it ‘just happens’, it doesn’t even happen… Though at least I know where to go for drinks when I’m in Sydney three weeks from now!

What’s that? I hear you ask. Smithson’s off to Australia? I am indeed. And not only am I hoping to meet up with Girl Seule when I’m there, but possibly Sharn too, who’s genuinely bi. So you never know? If I play my cards right…

I might be able to turn THIS

two-girls-one-jealous-guy

into THIS

two-girls-and-one-guy-image-for-blog-1024x768

 WHOOPS

SORRY

I meant THIS

ThumbsUpPassedOut

Annnnd CUT.

Now I’ve been at this ‘blogging’ lark for around 10 months and for me, Girl Seule is second only to Jen, when it comes to clumsy, self-deprecating and downright unlucky women… Click on the links. You won’t be disappointed.

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

97 comments on “Smithson vs Girl Seule – The Threesome

  1. Sharn
    10th March 14

    Hahaha there is more of that last photo going on in my America travels than I care to admit!!

    Plus the shinnannigans. Although most of my threesomes and moresomes happened at home in Sydney.

    See you soon Sean!

    Like

  2. El Guapo
    10th March 14

    I have absolutely no idea how I ended up following girlseule, but I’ve been enjoying the ride.

    so…what will you do if you meet the ladies and they decide they love each other and forget you’re there?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th March 14

      WATCH them Guap. What else..?

      Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th March 14

      Oh and in response to your comment about Girl Seule, yes, I’d noticed. But then again, you’ve always had good taste when it comes to who to read Guap.

      Like

  3. adventuresofeponine
    10th March 14

    Must be a guy thing. I’ve never really understood why guys like porn, but then I’m a girl so I think I can get the real thing pretty much whenever I want 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. (Mis)adventures of "Little Pants"
    10th March 14

    Probably the best morning coffee read I’ve ever needed.

    Like

  5. gingerfightback
    10th March 14

    I feel cheapened after reading this. MORE!

    Like

  6. Anisa
    10th March 14

    Oh, dear. I keep the goal of getting naked with a lady on my to-do list also, but I never, ever considered what would happen if I couldn’t find/know how to work her parts. Hrmmmm…

    Like

  7. spincyclediaries
    10th March 14

    Very good! I follow Girlseule too and she has an amazing sense of humour…being new to the blogosphere I think I’d missed this one! Hilarious and an extra bonus to read this through your unique lense!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th March 14

      Yes, I think this may have been the first post of hers that I read and I’ve been a fan ever since.

      All I did was steal some pictures from the internet and insert them in the appropriate places but thank you, I’ll still take that.

      Like

  8. nancytex2013
    10th March 14

    I can assure you that not all MFF scenes play out this way… And that’s all I’m saying about that.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Vraiment génial
    10th March 14

    Never had any of these wild adventures … although I do highly recommend anal sex. It’s great for both parties and … well, just a heck of a lot of thrashing and crashing fun. I had an English boyfriend once who hoiked me up, and took me against the wall … but the neighbors liked that!

    Like

  10. Expat Eye
    10th March 14

    Have you seen the Peep Show threesome episode?

    Like

  11. Ann St Vincent
    10th March 14

    I can attest to the spontenaeity of threesomes…mine were all completely unplanned. Only exception was planning a repeat of a particularly fantastic one. Have fun in the land of Oz!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th March 14

      OK well now you’re just rubbing it in… But thanks. I’ve no doubt it’ll be a lot of fun. Threesome or not!

      Like

      • Ann St Vincent
        10th March 14

        You just have to find the right women. We are elusive…

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          10th March 14

          Are you going to be in Australia in three weeks by any chance?

          Like

          • Ann St Vincent
            10th March 14

            Sadly, nope…I did note you are planning some lovely adventures there. Have fun!

            Like

          • Ann St Vincent
            10th March 14

            I should have added…if you ever mention coming to my country, I’ll be sure to let you know 🙂

            Like

  12. Marie
    10th March 14

    Oh Sean, what will you become once you have a 3 some? What will happen with your life goals? You’ll be like a lost puppy… Meandering the streets not knowing where to turn, tossing a coin at every corner. If you are reading this thinking I know what I’m talking about, then that is your right. Uhm. Right. Loved the comments (change of topic? Maybe)

    Like

  13. Marissa Bergen
    10th March 14

    Thanks for….er….um…turning me on??…to yet another great blogger and er…um…good luck in your future endeavors.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th March 14

      You’re welcome Marissa. She’s definitely worth the read. And thanks, I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

      Like

  14. lazylauramaisey
    10th March 14

    There’s nothing like having a threesome as your life goal. I’ve always thought we could learn more from your methods of prioritising.

    Like

  15. MissSteele
    10th March 14

    Wow, she is a brave lady. I wouldn’t be able to look my friend in the eye again I don’t believe. Bravo to her!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      10th March 14

      She’s definitely a team player. But given she doesn’t even know Sharn… You never know?

      Like

  16. Trent Lewin
    11th March 14

    Holy shit, there is a LOT to like about that post… I like her. Sean, you’re starting to introduce me to people that are probably going to corrupt me.

    I dunno, I figured a threesome would be some kind of automatic follow-the-threesome-rules type of thing, but this just sounds kind of awkward… I would suggest liquor next time, to keep things moving in some sensible way. Actually, I may down some liquor and read this again. Because it’s Monday. And holy shit, it’s Monday…

    Smithson, you are complete essential reading from now until forever. Seriously.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th March 14

      High praise indeed from such a skilled wordsmith. I thank you.

      So yes, it turns out that real life threesomes are nothing like the ones in the movies… I mean porn, sorry. Who’d have thought, eh?

      Like

  17. TheShitShowThatIsMyLife
    11th March 14

    I don’t know anyone else who has had an unplanned MFF threesome in a shower in Vegas (well I know two others) and I feel even luckier after reading this. I also feel like a natural when it comes to driving other people’s cars and navigating vaginas. You can just come along whatever I’m doing and up your chances.

    I’m definitely rooting for you in Australia!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th March 14

      Yes, I recall the story. Well if I’m ever in Colorado… And thanks, I’m going to need all the help (and alcohol) I can get.

      Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th March 14

      Shit I just realised that someone may read through these comments and think that I think Vegas is in Colorado!

      To anyone that may be having that exact thought, don’t worry. I know Vegas is in Nevada. But TheShitShow is from Colorado OK.

      Like

  18. mollytopia
    11th March 14

    This is so disappointing! I want to believe that can “just happen” like it does in you know, films. I hope it happens for you on your travels. And that you write an all-details-included post about it. Standing by. Safe travels! Which means: drive fast and take lots of chances!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th March 14

      I know, right? I was totally hoping for something like Wild Things with Denise Richards and Neve Campbell… But this was actually better!

      Ha. I hope so too. But c’mon now Molly, you’ve been reading long enough to know that that shit never happens to me… I guess there’s a first time for everything though.

      Like

  19. bmowner
    11th March 14

    that was great. would write more. hard to type. jerking off.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. morescribbles
    11th March 14

    Hey, I just noticed that my gravatar and Mollytopia’s gravatar next to mine in your likes list come together into two sides of one warped face. I bet that’s made your day, I know it’s made mine.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th March 14

      It would have done if I didn’t already know that you were a guy!

      The real Molly is very hot by the way. And extremely funny. I think you’d enjoy her blog man.

      Like

  21. Daile
    12th March 14

    I’ll be honest. A threesome is something on my list that I have never been able to check off (not for lack of trying) I think it would only work if you are kind of into girls as well as boys. I don’t know. It may be on the sexual bucket list forever, maybe not.

    Like

  22. mondaysarecool
    12th March 14

    Okay, I got confuzzled with the narrative for a bit before realizing – nope, not Sean posting. Oops!

    Then I read through the story and yes, the two real life threesomes I’ve had were nothing, at all, like the porn I’ve seen – or the stories I sell on Amazon 🙂

    First one I had…utter trainwreck. Second was better but, well, a longer story and nowhere near the um, goals I had in my own head.

    Somehow, I want to have one with two women where at the end (however long or short that might be) we can all, “High Five,” and congratulate each other, sweaty, disheveled and feel like, “Mission accomplished.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sean Smithson
      12th March 14

      Hey man, at least you’ve had one. Sorry, two, you fucking jerk! The high-five scenario would be something else for sure though.

      Like

  23. Pingback: I’m glad I have a car now. | The 'S' Word

  24. liamfox83
    12th March 14

    So I have done 2 of your top 3 as well. Needless to say “anal” isn’t as difficult a request for me as it could be for you (you know, girls aren’t always down for that). The threesome, like with GirlSeule happened for me but also didn’t happen…surprisingly there was a chick involved and going down south was not the best of times for me (at least where the girl was concerned). Sadly, I couldn’t really get to touch the boy either, he wasn’t having it.

    Now, the other day I did have the chance to nail a DILF (Dad I’d Like To Fuck) but he was too old of a DILF – 60! I just couldn’t get myself to do it…I felt like Samantha Jones in that episode of SATC when she was dating an older man and everything was okay in the dark but as soon as you see his ass in the light – it’s not so pretty. So I had to let that one go…

    Again, to whoever is reading this comment: If I were a girl, I would totally do another girl for and with Sean Smithson. LOL

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th March 14

      Thanks Liam. Now I’m picturing 60 year-old man ass!

      Like

      • liamfox83
        12th March 14

        It’s not a pretty sight for someone half that age. I suppose when/if I reach 60, it would be okay because mine would most likely look the same.

        However, right now, 60 is just too old for me. Somehow I just CAN’T

        Like

  25. Daniel Nest
    13th March 14

    Ha, great car analogy, Girl Seule. I can totally relate, except I don’t have a driver’s licence and usually ride a bus…so that’s, like, an orgy, then? Niiiiice!

    Like

  26. The Hook
    16th March 14

    Your honesty is awesome, Girl Seule! You get an A+++ for sexy and comedic effort.
    As for our host, good luck, buddy.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      16th March 14

      She definitely has a lovely way with words, doesn’t she. And as for me, it’s not a question about luck Hooky, it’s a question of how many doubles I can pass off as singles…

      Like

  27. amandalyle1986
    18th March 14

    Oh, the sitatution we get ourselves into when we are young and wasted! The ‘threesome’ always seems like a great idea after a drink or FIVE. In reality, we experience all that ‘too many body parts to know what to do with’. I’m glad those days are over! Loved the ‘clumpsy car hands’ visual too – quite possibly the best I’ve read! Great post….and yes, I did read it….ALL! 🙂

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      18th March 14

      Ha. It’s OK. You don’t need to convince me anymore. The car visual was great wasn’t it.

      If you have some time, you should definitely head over to Girl Seule’s site and check her out. Her two most recent posts are corkers. The artwork on the first one though? Not so much…

      Like

  28. Pixie Girl
    19th March 14

    The closest I ever got to a threesome was with the ‘male element’ watching me and my girlfriend.

    It almost turned into a proper threesome, except I was in a relationship and while I could justify in my head that being with a girl is somewhat different (apparently not to most guys?), being with a girl and her husband probably would be a bit of a trespass… so I said thank you.

    I do regret it sometimes, but after hearing a lot of horror stories from a friend who lived through more threesomes than I care to imagine, I’m overall glad I didn’t!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      20th March 14

      My my my Pixie… and here I thought you were a good girl.

      Admittedly I’ve never been in the situation but I’d like to ‘think’ I’d be OK with my girlfriend hooking up with another girl. But maybe it’s completely different in reality…

      Like

      • Pixie Girl
        20th March 14

        That’s what I thought too, and then was shot down by my male friends when enquired. Turns out it’s not okay, most of the time.

        Also, re: your bucket list, I was shocked to find out quite a few of them never wanted to try the threesome. My closest one said it was because he focuses 100% on the person he’s in bed with and it just doesn’t work for him.

        For me, it’s the sheer cumbersomeness of it. Maybe you have to be experienced for it to really work.

        Like

      • Pixie Girl
        20th March 14

        ps. I am a good girl.

        Like

  29. Ankur Mithal
    25th March 14

    Wow! The comments and your responses are at least as readworthy as the post.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      26th March 14

      I honestly think that some people just come for the comments now Ankur. I clearly need some better material.

      Like

  30. Shembo
    27th March 14

    This is amazingness and pretty sure I have a girl boner… right now! Threesomes are fun until you start to sober up and realise you have ruined two fine friendships in one clumsy night of binge drinking! Again again again!!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Shelley
    14th April 14

    Oh, I thought you were in Australia so you could visit places like The Sydney Opera house, Ayers Rock, Great Barrier Reef. I’m so embarrassed!

    Liked by 1 person

  32. intothebeauty
    30th April 14

    LOL I imagine this is EXACTLY how a threesome would go with me. My boyfriend has actually been involved in many threesomes, which is perfect because he got a lot of it out of his system. I don’t think he’s ready for my awkwardness.

    And the driving someone else’s car metaphor? HOLY Right-On-Point!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      1st May 14

      I actually met Girl Seule when I was in Australia! It makes the whole episode SO much more amusing. And you’re right, that metaphor is a corker.

      Like

  33. charlypriest
    7th May 14

    Too many porn movies….condoms….you crack me up.
    So off to Sidney you go, I don´t if to feel good for you or to feel bad for the two girls.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th May 14

      Feel bad for me Charly. I came back from my trip last week and still haven’t had a threesome…

      Like

  34. Julie
    8th May 14

    Sean Sean Sean.. (<–cause you think you want a threesome) What to do for you? You are so funny. I hate driving an unfamiliar car too.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th May 14

      OK so I’m a little confused. There was another Julie who left comments on my ‘How To’ posts (I deleted the most recent one) and I thought it was you. But I’m guessing not as you’re green and she was blue!

      Thanks by the way. And I’m not sure if you saw my response to Charly above but I was unsuccessful. Threesomes are overrated anyway…

      Like

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This entry was posted on 7th February 14 by in Relationship Dos & DONTS, Smithson Vs and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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