The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

Smithson vs Juniper – Chris Martin

In addition to naked women and awesome playlists, strip clubs are also great as they’re almost always quieter than the local haunts. And the extortionate price of drinks usually ensures that you can ditch even the most desperate of hangers-on.

So when one of the new interns, Joe, wanted to have a serious talk with me about career progression (I know, right?), I suggested that we go to Secrets to avoid his entourage of fellow graduates.

After successfully dismissing the early bird crowd, we were approached by a couple of English girls, Shanice and Kerri. They were both pretty cute and Kerri’s bar was exemplary so I certainly had no objection to them hanging around.

Unfortunately Joe hadn’t finished boring me to tears by that point so we told them to stop by later if they wanted.

Why won't they talk to me?!Why won’t they talk to me?

Up until that point, not one girl had even spoken to me and we’d probably been in the club for close to an hour. Luckily Joe wasn’t the sort to rub that in my face but I could tell that he was quietly loving this fact.

So when the girls returned, I couldn’t hold back any longer and asked Shanice why she thought I was being ignored in favour of Joe, who by now was pissing himself laughing at my schoolboy tantrum.

Shanice: “Well. And I don’t wanna cause no offence. U don’t really look like ur interested in spendin any money. And he looks like he’d spend loads!”

Whilst I couldn’t help but be impressed by her candour I did smile as I thought to myself:

‘If only she knew what an idiot I actually was…’

Me: “Ah. So what you’re saying is that I look tight and he looks gullible. Charming. I’m so glad you girls stopped by again.”

In spite of the clear damage to our feelings, hanging out with them turned out to be a lot of fun and we ended up sitting around talking for a bit.

Shanice: “Can I jus say by the way, that u look well like Chris Martin.”

Joe: “What??”

As you can see from the picture, he looks nothing like him. Liam Gallagher maybe but I’d never heard of Chris Martin before.

Me: “Yeah Shanice, I’m not sure where you’re getting that one from.”

Kerri: “Hang about, who’s Chris Martin?”

Shanice: “U no? The lead singer of Coldplay?”

Kerri: “Coldplay? Which ones are they?”

I swear some of the other strippers even stopped dancing when they heard that.

Joe: “No fucking way. You don’t know who Coldplay are?”

Kerri: “Nah, nah, of course I no. I jus cant put a face to the name right now.”

As much as we would have liked to have continued Kerri’s education in pop culture, in that world, everything comes down to earning money. And before too long they were in our ears about getting a dance.

Figuring it was the least we could do, we opted to have a dual lap dance; Kerri for me, Shanice for Joe.

No... where are you going?No… where are you going?

They were about half way into the second song. Kerri’s tits were so close I was even contemplating the ‘motorboat’ when,  much to my disappointment, she suddenly pulled away and belted out:

“Ohh yeeah. Cold Play. In ma place, in ma place.

Lines that I could not erase. Oh yeah.

Yeeah, I no Chris Martin. And no.

He don’t look anyfing like him you dozy tart!”

If you’ve been with me since day one, my apologies as you may have read that already. However it will have been new to the vast majority of you. And furthermore, it has now been wonderfully illustrated by the extremely talented, Carla Juniper (albeit I’m still not convinced my eyebrows are that big).

For illustrations on your own blogs, books, whatever; I thoroughly recommend checking her site out. Plus for every new commission she receives as a result of my shout out, Carla has agreed to give me a hand-job. Oh no wait. That’s what I agreed to.

CarlaJuniper.com

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

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70 comments on “Smithson vs Juniper – Chris Martin

  1. Expat Eye
    29th August 13

    Who did they think you looked like? (Apart from a tightarse, of course)

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      29th August 13

      Hahaha… Nice. Very nice. And I have no idea.

      Though my mum saw Carla’s first attempt at drawing me and said I looked like a shady, Indian, taxi driver!

      Like

      • Expat Eye
        29th August 13

        Your mum sounds fun 😉

        Like

      • nancytex2013
        3rd March 14

        This final version still looks somewhat like a shady Indian taxi driver…

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          4th March 14

          You know what, Nancy? You’re kind of right. Maybe that’s the real reason no girls were talking to me that night..?

          Like

  2. Miss Marcia
    29th August 13

    LOL This is great!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      29th August 13

      Thanks Miss Marcia. That was easily the funniest experience I’ve ever had in a strip club… Though Kerri has ruined that song for me forever!

      Like

  3. lexborgia
    30th August 13

    Great Comedy mate, a scorcher.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      30th August 13

      Cheers bud. Definitely one of the funniest things I’ve witnessed… In LIFE, not just in strip clubs.

      And Carla has more than done justice to the piece with her illustrations.

      Like

  4. tattoogirl
    31st August 13

    Love. It. The story and the illustrations. Oh Sean…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      31st August 13

      Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. What’s happened to your profile picture by the way?

      Like

      • tattoogirl
        1st September 13

        I don’t know!!! I have no idea what happened to my “gravartar!!!” I’m thinking of becoming “un-anonymous” just because I hate my standardized photo so much!!!

        Like

  5. lazylauramaisey
    31st August 13

    And the cow? He… eats grass? And he knows who Chris Martin is?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      1st September 13

      The cow definitely knows who Chris Martin is!

      Like

      • lazylauramaisey
        1st September 13

        Good job. That was weighing heavily on my mind, wondering about the cow and Chris Martin. (The Cow And Chris Martin sounds a bit like a book title.)

        Like

  6. Lori Shea-Skillin
    5th September 13

    Lol!! Is it rude of me to say that the lass sounds like an uneducated chav? illustrations are just awesome Sean, love it!!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      5th September 13

      That’s exactly how both of them sounded! But very cool girls nonetheless… Glad you enjoyed it.

      Like

  7. Lori Shea-Skillin
    5th September 13

    yes now I want all your other posts to be illustrated !! argh!!

    Like

  8. Marie
    6th September 13

    Wait. People talk in strip clubs?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th September 13

      Ha. Not only do they talk Marie. They sing!

      Like

      • Marie
        6th September 13

        They make you sing too I bet. But the talking? Not necessary.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          7th September 13

          Occasionally, yes… Trust me though Marie. Given my ability to dispense money in the tiddy bar, the more talking, the better!

          Like

  9. fshiner
    18th September 13

    I must say Chris Martin has the most unremarkable face, so it is probably a good thing not to look like him. I literally can’t imagine what he looks like.

    Nice story though, enjoyed it!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      18th September 13

      Thanks man. I enjoyed many of the posts on your blog too – the Liebster award ‘acceptance speech’ was a classic… And a fellow University of London chap too.

      I can’t say too much for fear of letting the cat out of the bag, but the FIRM is literally round the corner from your campus… And yes, I think Joe dodged a bullet there!

      Like

      • fshiner
        19th September 13

        Ah cheers man. Your blog has provided me with much amusement today, so thanks!

        Oh how interesting, maybe we’ve walked past each other going about our day to day London business?

        Like

  10. intothebeauty
    17th October 13

    Aw man! She started singing THAT before you could motorboat?

    Poor guy. You should have been able to motorboat BEFORE she started singing a song that wasn’t even one of their biggest hits? Random choice.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      25th October 13

      Exactly what I thought at the time… Motorboat first. Singing second.

      The original may not have been one of their big hits but I guarantee you if Kerri’s cover ever got released, it’d be a smash.

      Like

  11. Pingback: It started with Fjaroabyaggo | lazylauramaisey

  12. Pingback: Here For a Minute! | Time is of the Essence

  13. The Howling Fantogs
    1st March 14

    This has made even me want to go to a strip club. Though I might have to turn and walk out if a Chris Martin was there.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd March 14

      Poor Chris Martin. He doesn’t seem to be anyone’s favourite…

      Like

  14. charlypriest
    3rd March 14

    Mr. Sean! had some minutes to read you all, had some laughs also.
    Good reading you sir.

    Like

  15. NotAPunkRocker
    3rd March 14

    Having family members that work in the “industry”, it really is about who looks like they need “company” the most and the potential dollahs.

    Like

  16. Christyherself
    3rd March 14

    I would go with you to a strip club if we lived in the same area. I would have the women all over both of us. A good time would be had by all. 🙂

    Like

  17. mikesteeden
    3rd March 14

    ‘I swear some of the other strippers even stopped dancing when they heard that.’ Now there is a sentence me old mum never once said! Great post.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      4th March 14

      Arguably my most memorable experience in a strip club Mike. Though for none of the reasons I would usually have expected…

      Like

  18. I was going to comment something about wanting to have sex with all your friends and then I thought, ‘hmm better not’.

    And then I did.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      4th March 14

      Ha. In spite of my continual begging, none of my chums actually read the blog so I’m afraid that your confession has gone to waste my dear. But I shall let them know.

      Like

      • It hasn’t gone to waste! You know, everyone who trolls your comments knows (these people exist right?)

        But thanks! Tell them however that they’re well below you on the list of wants.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          4th March 14

          Aww… I bet you say this kind of shit to all the male bloggers. Actually scratch that, after reading one of your most recent posts, ALL bloggers.

          But thanks nonetheless.

          Like

          • Haha actually that’s a reasonable assumption but I haven’t outwardly said I wanna bang anyone else, but if I put some thought into it… There’s probably some ladies I’d love to have sex with

            Like

  19. nancytex2013
    3rd March 14

    The strippers profiled you as a tightwad. Now that, right there, is some funny shit, Sean! 🙂

    Like

  20. YourMotherIsADirtyGirl
    3rd March 14

    I laugh every time I’m here. LOL

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      4th March 14

      Well then, I’m clearly doing something right. Thanks.

      And the same can be said for when I’m over at your blog. I really appreciated the shout-out for the guys with small dicks by the way. I don’t think I ever sent you a picture of mine but it felt like you were speaking about me specifically…

      Like

  21. cpmandara
    3rd March 14

    I’m just commenting in order to win a date with you. You do look like Chris Martin, right?

    Like

  22. joeyfullystated
    3rd March 14

    Oh my. Well, whatever works I suppose. I reckon they’ve told worse tales to get money. A girl’s gotta eat!

    Like

  23. Trent Lewin
    4th March 14

    Sean, I’m glad I get to catch up on these. Dude, I thought you were Sri Lankan – that disqualifies you from looking like Chris Martin, by the way, cause he’s no where near as good as a Sri Lankan. Hilarious as always, and I appreciate the illustrations. You tightwad.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      5th March 14

      Thanks as always. Yes, for a girl who claims to have never been to a titty bar, the illustrations were oddly perfect…

      And as for the tightwad comment, I guess, just like with Shanice, I’m going to have to prove you wrong. That’s not an invitation for you to dance for me by the way man.

      Like

  24. bmowner
    4th March 14

    From her point of view, most look like Chris Martin. All she sees is the top of your head when you have your face in her tits.

    Do you know what strippers do with their asshole before going on stage?

    They drop him off at band practice.

    Brown people are terrible tippers…everyone knows that…especially ‘dancers.’ 😉

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      4th March 14

      Ha. Not ALL brown people man. Though admittedly most of them. Love that Chris Martin visual. And the asshole line. In fact, I may have to steal the latter and palm it off as my own around the guys.

      Embarrassing stories; I can take care of myself. But jokes / one-liners; I need all the help I can get.

      Like

      • bmowner
        5th March 14

        Feel free to “palm it off.” I stole it from my buddy that worked as DJ in titty bar. 🙂 He said you want to marry them all…until they open their mouth and you realize how stupid they are….like really stupid.

        Like

  25. janeybgood
    4th March 14

    To be fair, Chris Martin sounds like the name of a guy who works in a chip van on weekends…

    Like

  26. TIA
    5th March 14

    The only thing that would be better than that, is if a Coldplay song had come on overhead, and she had sung along with the entire tune during your lap dance! However, she would have to charge you extra, and it was clear you didn’t have extra!;). Awesome story!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th March 14

      Agreed. That would’ve been something else for sure. But I honestly don’t think a Coldplay song has ever been played in a strip club…

      Like

  27. mollytopia
    7th March 14

    So what caused the final connection that made her remember who Coldplay is??? This was brilliant. “Hang about” and “you dozy tart”? I love it!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th March 14

      I honestly have no idea Molly. Though I obviously couldn’t have been that ‘special’ a customer as she was clearly thinking a lot more about Coldplay than me at the time!

      Yes, she was definitely no Duchess of Cambridge…

      Like

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This entry was posted on 11th February 14 by in Boys will be Boys, Smithson Vs and tagged , , , , , , .
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