The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5…

How much?

Throughout my life I have been fortunate enough to have been surrounded by some very funny guys. But for me, the smartest cat of them all has to be T-Money.

And this whole site / book idea can be blamed on him (when it eventually turns out to be a failure) as I figured:

If he finds my stories funny, then surely I must be on to something.

Of course, if it’s an unlikely success then that’s all me.

We first met back in ’00 during our undergraduate degree (Statistics & Economics: what was I thinking?) and the rest is, as they say, comedy. But if that wasn’t torture enough, after graduating we signed up for a Masters in Finance.

Now if our undergraduate experience was bad – honestly, how many girls would you expect to meet on a Stats degree – the post grad was hell. And being a math, science and engineering power house, this place was akin to the American restaurant chain IHOP; except in this scenario, the P stood for penis.

Seriously, there was cock everywhere you looked. And now that I think about it; these two institutions and the fact that I went to an all boys school for the seven years prior may go some way towards explaining why I am so painfully shy around women (at least initially anyway). And also why I am much more comfortable in the presence of men.

But let’s save the Dr Phil analysis of my insecurities for another time.

It was during one of these regular ‘cock congregations’ outside the main lecture hall that a fellow student, Carlos, approached us with a somewhat unusual question.

Carlos: “Hey guys, how’s it going?”

Me: “Same old, same old. You know how it is.”

T-Money: “Like Seanny said. How about you?”

Carols: “Yeah me too. So… listen guys, I was thinking about this last night…

Would either of you suck another man’s dick for £1 million?”

T-Money: “What??”

Carlos: “It’s just a question. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean anything.”

T-Money: “Yeah but why would you ask that?”

Me: “AB-SO-LUTELY.” I didn’t hesitate for a second. At which point, the two of them and any listening bystanders went deadly silent and turned round to look at me.

suck dick

Carlos: “Really?”

T-Money: “Yeah Seanny, you did answer that awfully quickly.”

Me: “What’s the problem? It’s a no brainer as far as I can see. When the fuck am I going to see that kind of money? It’ll take years before I hit those kinds of earnings.” I was still of the mind-set that I would make it to Goldmans at that stage. “And that doesn’t even take tax into account. To receive £1m net you’d have to earn roughly £2m. This £1m is tax-free right Carlos?”

Carlos: “Err… not something I’d really thought about when I posed the question but yeah, I guess so.”

Me: “Ok great. So to confirm, I would definitely suck another man’s dick for £1m.” Cue general laughter and finger-pointing amongst the crowd.

Carlos: “And you?”

T-Money: “Hmm… Bear with me a second as I want to make sure that I’ve understood this correctly. If this mystery man receives a blowjob, you will give me £1m?”

Carlos: “Err… correct.”

T-Money: “Ok, I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d ring up Smithson and say…

Seanny, how would you like to make £50k?”

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I’ve been Sean Smithson, he’s been T-Money and you’ve been fantastic.

By the way in case any of you were wondering, I would’ve actually said yes to T-Money if I had received that call. Though as things stand now, I’m fairly certain I would suck a man’s dick just for a Facebook ‘like’!

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

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111 comments on “How much?

  1. Stingray
    17th May 13

    Smithson, I’ve just ‘liked’ this story. How soon can you meet me?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      17th May 13

      It’s 9.30 now. I reckon I can be there about 12? Would have been sooner but Nova messaged me directly so I’ve got to meet him first!

      Like

      • Stingray
        17th May 13

        That sneaky bastard, fair play though. Just make sure you rinse!

        Regarding MY price…

        Depending on the dick size, cleanliness (both literally and medically), individual and so forth, my range would be £20 – £25k. That being a pencil sized, cleanly presented, average looking dude – 10 minutes work no problem. x

        Like

  2. Miss Lou
    22nd June 13

    WTFungus @ that ‘indecent proposal’ Was Carlos on any kind of medication? Actually now that I think about it… Are you on any medication? (Alcohol doesn’t count) lol *rubbin my forehead*

    Goodness me!

    Amusing Post, Thanks for sharing. I think.

    Miss Lou
    x

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th June 13

      Not sure about the medication but there were definitely some ‘overfamiliarity issues’ there.

      And as for me… Not currently but I suspect it’s only a matter of time!

      Like

  3. Marie
    24th July 13

    I have been known to suck men’s dicks for less. But you didn’t hear this from me. I will deny deny deny (denial is my best friend) if you ever brought it up again.

    Like

  4. CuriousEmily
    24th July 13

    Shit, you’re going to have to actually start unmasking these cronies of yours, otherwise I’m going to be off men for life for fear of accidentally dating one of them.

    Either way, I work in Farringdon and I’ve gone right off the idea of going into the City for drinks.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      24th July 13

      Ha, no way? The Brain Surgeon and I were in Smiths last Friday…

      Fear not as I am now officially the only single one of the bunch. Hard to imagine, right? And after outing myself in my ‘Followers’ post, you’ll know to turn around and walk in the opposite direction if we ever run into one another.

      Like

      • CuriousEmily
        25th July 13

        Terrifyingly, I was there on Thursday, getting shamelessly wankered with my workmates.

        You get bollock points for outing yourself but you do realise you’ve basically cock-blocked yourself for life, right? Haha.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          25th July 13

          Lucky escape for you.

          Yeah, I did ponder whether or not to stick a real photo on here and I came to the conclusion that no one’s reading this anyway, so why not… If I meet a girl I really like and she happens to have read any of the stories, I’ll just say I made the whole thing up.

          Of course, I’d have to hope that she didn’t read this particular exchange we’re having!

          Like

  5. honeydidyouseethat?
    5th August 13

    Oh my. This was the first post I randomly chose to read. Oh my.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      5th August 13

      I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad ‘oh my’..? However I shall assume the former.

      Like

  6. spincyclediaries
    7th August 13

    Clever! I actually thought T-money was going to ask how Carlos would get that kind of money!

    Good luck on getting enough traffic and followers to make the book thing a reality. It’s tough. I’m new to all of this too and am really loving it — feeds my need for attention, no doubt! 😉

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      7th August 13

      Like I said, he’s the smartest cat of them all. Though now that you mention it, I don’t think either of us ever asked him what his response would be…

      I concur; getting noticed in this blogosphere is pretty cool. Thanks for stopping by.

      Like

  7. buildingmybento
    9th August 13

    Thanks for liking my post about trees and how infrequently I perceive them, Sean! Seen anything like that Javanese fig tree before?

    Curious about the “other stuff” on your blog, by the by…

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      9th August 13

      I genuinely found it interesting. Plus I’ve been to the Peradeniya gardens before; alebit as a youngster.

      Ah yes the ‘other stuff’. Let’s just say it goes: working – PG, womanizing – 15 and other stuff – 18

      You should check it out. You may even enjoy some of the stories…

      Like

  8. woodwardhl
    14th August 13

    Your IHOP reference, had me in stitches. I have a friend who has done a degree in and is now working in Engineering, and his thoughts on the guy:girl ratio are exactly the same!

    I have to admit Psychology is torture, there’s next to zero guys and the ones we have are either weird or gay.. not looking on the up and up.

    Love your blog! Can’t decide if your writing style is deliberate or natural..

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      14th August 13

      Yes. Finally someone who got (or at least commented on) the IHOP line… I love you.

      Well at least I was only there for one year. One of my brothers was there for 8!

      No, no. Everything is, as the French would say, ‘au naturel.’ I’m not intelligent enough to write this stuff deliberately. But as I say above, I happen to know some very intelligent chaps.

      Hope all the appointments went ok last week?

      I note you’re a Sunderland lass. One of the Frat-Pack hails from there too. Love the accent. It’s up there with New York and Ireland in the ‘makes the girl immediately hotter than her friends’ accent. Well, for me anyway.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. And I’m glad you’re enjoying the read. Even if you’re undecided about the style…

      Like

      • woodwardhl
        17th August 13

        Here to please haha :’)

        Ah hell, torture.

        They were fine thanks, cheers for asking, dentists was awful though, felt like she was vibrating my teeth out f my head.

        Technically I’m from Darlington, so my accent is a bit butchered from spending time between the two, but I shall take the hotter than my friends compliment haha.

        Oh, I like the style! Just couldn’t decide whether it was engineered or not :’)

        Keep it up!

        Like

  9. MeglyMc
    15th August 13

    Any friend whose nickname begins with a “T-” (bone…etc.) or ends in “Money” is going to get your arrested and/or an STI. Having those two things meet either cancels the nefarious possibilities out, or is an unholy nexus where bad decisions gather. 🙂

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th August 13

      Love this comment and totally agree with you. As it was actually an individual meeting one of these criteria that introduced me to the ‘other stuff.’ Thankfully no STI but he created a monster.

      So did you win the lottery then..? Thoroughly enjoyed that post and some of your others. That “potential snow writers” line in ‘Squat No More’ is simply inspired.

      People, check this woman out!

      Like

      • MeglyMc
        15th August 13

        Sir, it is not yet 6am local…and you have made me blush.

        No! I totally didn’t win MegaMillions last night, so that little shit clearly hasn’t passed on his skills to me. It probably would have helped if I’d purchased a ticket? Maybe that’s it. *sigh*

        Like

  10. vicbriggs
    27th August 13

    Ok. So that’s got my day to a good start! Cheers 😀

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th August 13

      Glad you enjoyed it. And I’m thrilled that I was able to perk up your morning… T-Money’s a very sharp guy.

      If you’d like to laugh at more of my misfortunes just pick a story. Any story…

      Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it.

      Like

  11. Expat Eye
    7th September 13

    I’m glad you clarified the tax issue. Would have been a real cock-up otherwise (ahem). 😉

    Like

  12. mikemajor9
    27th October 13

    Too freakin’ funny! So – surely T-Money is at Goldman’s (or similar) now – right? The dude clearly could spot an easy opportunity to exploit someone else’s labor in order to turn a significant profit for himself. BTW – I’m not implying that’s a bad thing.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      27th October 13

      He is indeed man. He is indeed… And I’ve ended up broke and living back at my folks… Maybe I need to lower my price even further!

      Like

  13. charlypriest
    8th November 13

    Bachelor in statistics&economics, masters in finance? Man you are smart! Probably should use some help since I´m pretty bad at administering my money.
    Sorry about 7 years sorrounded by guys..
    T-Money, your an a-hole for making this.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th November 13

      Maybe once upon a time Charly. But sure as hell not now. Thanks though.

      Yeah, those 7 years have evidently done some permanent damage… Ha. Man, without T-Money I’d be nowhere. He’s my sounding board to life.

      Like

  14. avoirunevie
    20th November 13

    Okay … yet again, I meant to leave a snappy riposte to a hilarious post, only to become utterly distracted by the comments. Honestly, no other blog attracts such a bizarre range of comments from humorously seriously blow-job offers to insiderly strange remarks like, “Ha. Man, without T-Money I’d be nowhere.” Hmm. I guess the priest is way, way inside. Anyway, nice post … very funny … very astute in its assessment of the human animal.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      20th November 13

      Once again I must thank you for your kind words. Especially regarding the comments. As I’m never sure that anyone ever reads them… As always, it’s greatly appreciated.

      Like

  15. avoirunevie
    20th November 13

    About that date? Does it include dinner and dancing?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      20th November 13

      Dinner – yes. Dancing – well that depends on how shit faced we get during dinner… So yeah, I guess dancing will also be included.

      Like

      • avoirunevie
        21st November 13

        Excellent … I shall strive toward winning the competition. The rules seem curiously vague … which I rather like. Vague works to my advantage, I suspect 😉

        Like

  16. canadadawnlight
    30th November 13

    Your style of humour is awesome I must say… I feel like I’ve met my master. 🙂 Thank you very much for popping in and out of my blog and liking – I am quite new to wordpress, only started to blog because of ‘get your FREE blog here’ … then discovered the ‘stat’ part of the wordpress … why does the viewer count becoming annoying?! I was way happier being ignorant to ‘stat’ and using the blog as my journal. Got any thoughts like petitioning wordpress to omit ‘stat’ (kidding of course). Thanks again.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      30th November 13

      You’re most welcome. Yes, the stats can be both a blessing and a nuisance but I guess so long as you’re happy with what you’re putting out there, none of it really matters…

      That being said, I’m glad you liked this and really appreciate the kind words. The ‘master’ line has made my day.

      Like

  17. Aussa Lorens
    2nd December 13

    Hahaha that was terrible and amazing all at the same time.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd December 13

      Terrible that Carlos would even ask? Or that I would suck dick for a Facebook like?

      And amazing how quick T-Money is? Or that I would suck dick for a Facebook like?

      PS – I would suck dick for a Facebook like!

      Glad it made you smile.

      Like

  18. intothebeauty
    2nd December 13

    I think the real question would have to be:

    Do you have to make him cum??!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd December 13

      Had to take it there, didn’t you Lara… This is a family friendly site for goodness sake!

      Like

      • intothebeauty
        2nd December 13

        Hey, you’re the one talking about sucking dick for money. I’m just making sure you’ve crossed all your t’s.

        And if this is a family friendly site, then we are some sick and twisted family 🙂

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          2nd December 13

          Hmm. You’re right. Perhaps I didn’t think that comment through…

          Ha. Sick and twisted indeed.

          Like

  19. Julie
    2nd December 13

    Well, I don’t facebook (believe it or not) nor do I have a dick. But I admit to a chuckle here and there reading this… I remember a friend of mine upon getting a greeting of “hey cock sucker” his reply was…” you know, you suck one dick”…. Maybe it lost something in the retelling, but it was incredibly funny at the moment.

    P.S. still hangin around..

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      2nd December 13

      Don’t worry, it’s still funny in the retold version. I’ll remember that riposte for when I’m next referred to as that.

      PS – I’ve noticed and am glad.
      PPS – You still owe me a naked pic / some naked pics…

      Like

      • Julie
        2nd December 13

        pmmphahahaha! of me?? BAHAHAAAAAHAAAAA! That was just my idea for winning.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          2nd December 13

          Bollocks. I really thought you were serious. I’ve just bumped you back down the list…

          Like

        • Sean Smithson
          2nd December 13

          Perhaps I was a little hasty in my response… I will still consider naked pictures of other women.

          Like

          • Julie
            3rd December 13

            I also don’t believe I offer a naked pic of myself. I just suggested naked pictures to get your attention. See? It worked!

            Like

  20. tinam81
    3rd December 13

    Sean, you are too much. When are you coming here?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      3rd December 13

      Ha. Thanks Tina.

      Do you know, I was speaking to the old man just the other day about flights to Canada as there are a couple of people I met travelling from there who (or should it be whom?) I’d love to see again.

      And all the hot Canadian blogging chicks of course.

      He reckons flights would set me back around £550. So if I can sell, I don’t know… 1,500 copies of the book? Then maybe next year.

      But a more likely timeframe would be 2020!

      Like

      • tinam81
        3rd December 13

        I would love to meet up one day when you do get here.

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          3rd December 13

          Ditto. I fully intend to collect on the poutine.

          Like

          • tinam81
            3rd December 13

            And that you shall. I’m living in a poutine paradise and you’re invited.

            Like

  21. Spankalicious
    5th December 13

    I had this conversation with an American last night!

    He said he would do it for a million, tax free.

    Pics or it didn’t happen peeps =D

    I said I’ve obviously been doing things wrong because I keep giving them away for free.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      6th December 13

      For free you say..?

      Like

      • Spankalicious
        6th December 13

        Quite.

        I’ll be saying no to less than a million now. Thanks for telling me what I should be charging! 😉

        Like

  22. halfeatenmind
    7th December 13

    Hi Sean,

    I have nominated you for the Blog of The Year 2013 Award. If you wish to accept, you can find out more at this link:
    http://halfeatenmind.wordpress.com/2013/12/07/boty-2013-star-two/

    Well done,

    Vijay

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      8th December 13

      Thanks a lot man, I’m glad that you’re still continuing to enjoy the stories.

      Will most likely pass on the Award as it’s not really my thing but I do appreciate the gesture.

      Like

  23. MissSteele
    9th December 13

    That Facebook ‘like’ would totally be worth it.

    Like

  24. YourMotherIsADirtyGirl
    11th December 13

    Hahaha– friggin hilarious!! Valid question too, shit, I’ve done it for a lot less (uh..that’s not an invite by the way). I would expect my husband to suck dick for that amount too— well, not a Facebook like– those are just low standards. I have no problem sending naked pics, do you care what size or color the penis is before I send it though?

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      11th December 13

      Best. Comment. Ever. I like you even more now…

      Like

      • YourMotherIsADirtyGirl
        11th December 13

        LOL– I was going for “love”, guess I’m going to have to try harder. Sigh….

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          11th December 13

          If you switch your gravatar image from the current black and white pattern to the picture that comes up when you hover over it, then that’s definitely a step in the right direction towards “love”…

          And it will attract a load of other horny, desperate losers to your blog.

          Like

          • YourMotherIsADirtyGirl
            11th December 13

            Haha–Just what I need!! I honestly have no idea why my image won’t show. I’ve tried. I’ll try again, I really want more losers to visit 😉 oh…and love.

            Like

          • Sean Smithson
            11th December 13

            Annnnnd cue the wave of losers…

            Like

          • YourMotherIsADirtyGirl
            11th December 13

            Woot! Woot! 😉

            Like

  25. cpmandara
    13th December 13

    There are a lot of ladies who’d do it for a whole lot less, so take the money and run I say. Isn’t it a shame that these £1,000,000 questions are always hypothetical…

    Like

  26. skinnyuz2b
    29th December 13

    I confess SS, I thought T-Money was going to be the character on Auction Hunters (I think that’s the name of the TV show, could be wrong). Entertaining as always!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      29th December 13

      I had to Google it but understand how you could’ve made the mistake. Glad you liked it and thank you for continuing to stop by.

      Like

  27. joeyfullystated
    12th February 14

    There’s not much I wouldn’t do for a tax-free million, so of course I think this post was completely practical, other than the obvious lack of patrons who pay a million for fellatio…And here I thought I lived in the land of opportunity!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th February 14

      It’s a shame that no one’s willing to pay that much for one isn’t it? Mind you, even lowering my price to a Facebook like has brought in NO offers… What am I doing wrong Joey?

      Like

      • joeyfullystated
        13th February 14

        You’re clearly not friends with the right people. One must find a billionaire who’s hard up. Best of luck, Sean!

        Like

  28. Blossom Brouillard
    12th February 14

    Great punch line!

    Like

  29. nancytex2013
    12th February 14

    T-Money has the right plan. That’s an enterprising young man right there!

    Like

  30. Uh-hem, well let’s just say that I know women who have given guys head because they’ve run out of things to talk about. Even if you factor the whole M/M thing into it, I think your still coming out AHEAD (pun intended).

    Like

  31. The Indecisive Eejit
    12th February 14

    Hmmm offered a million, that is a lot of money! I like your clear and quick thinking under challenging circumstances lol

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th February 14

      Thanks Juls. It still wasn’t as quick as T-Money’s however…

      Like

  32. cupidgoesfishing
    12th February 14

    Sucking just for a like. I suppose to get the million (oh hell let’s be realistic – it’s actually a fiver!) you’ve got to swallow.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      12th February 14

      You’d do it for a fiver? Man, I think I can find that down the back of the couch if so.

      Like

      • cupidgoesfishing
        14th February 14

        Ha! I’m not saying I would….I’m just saying let’s be realistic, that million quid was really only a fiver!

        Like

  33. Marian Green
    13th February 14

    You? Shy around women? What a travesty!

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      It’s true Marian. I’m a bag of nerves at first. Especially around women I’m attracted to… So you’d have to do the majority of the talking initially!

      Like

      • Marian Green
        13th February 14

        I have a special talent for putting folks at ease. So no worries. 🙂

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          13th February 14

          Ooh la la… You can’t see it but I’m currently fanning myself right now…

          Like

  34. samara
    13th February 14

    Any guy who says he wouldn’t suck dick for a cool million is lying, or independently wealthy.
    We’re not talking ANAL here. We’re talking oral.
    That’s not even gay, really.
    I can’t believe Marissa above me knows chicks who blow guys when they run out of conversation. NO. That is so NOT an option.
    There are whores. And then there are cheap whores. (No offense intended).

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Ha. I love the detailed analysis on this one Samara. Though I completely agree with you. I’m sure most guys would actually say yes. Hell, I’d probably still say yes even IF I was independently wealthy.

      Then I’d donate that million to charity. Or spend it on booze and women…

      Yes, I couldn’t believe that either. Though I wouldn’t mind meeting them!

      Like

  35. Daniel Nest
    13th February 14

    Does Carlos still pay up? I could always use a million bucks.

    Also, “cock congregation” is how I’m referring to all of my work meetings from now on. Off to draft that memo to my boss now.

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      13th February 14

      Your first time here and I already like you man.

      No, no. I wouldn’t trust Carlos as far as I could throw him.

      Like

      • Daniel Nest
        13th February 14

        That Carlos, such a tease!

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          13th February 14

          Man if the rest of your blog is as good as your About page, then I suspect that I shall be visiting a lot more often. Andy Rooney’s testimonial is brilliant.

          Like

          • Daniel Nest
            13th February 14

            Actually, I had a professional ghostwriter compose the “About” page. The rest of the blog is shit. It’s just a team of spambots churning out linkbait content. No, wait, I’m thinking about BuzzFeed. My blog’s pretty awesome.

            Thanks, dude. Found you through mollytopia and intend to pay a visit every now and then. You never know when another 1 million offer comes along.

            Like

  36. vixenincognola
    15th February 14

    Where do I sign up for the invites on the “cock-ergations” 🙂
    #shelikescock

    Like

    • Sean Smithson
      15th February 14

      Funnily enough, our first ‘meeting’ for ’14 will be at my place… Are you able to get to London?

      Like

      • vixenincognola
        15th February 14

        Hmmmm oddly enough I’ve never been, no time like the present right?!

        Like

        • Sean Smithson
          15th February 14

          That’s what they say… You can even stay with me as my parents say I’m old enough to have sleepovers now.

          Like

          • vixenincognola
            15th February 14

            Sounds like I’m a lucky girl…

            Like

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This entry was posted on 12th February 14 by in The Stories that don't fit in anywhere else and tagged , , , , .
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