Sex acronyms, Tax services and a Canadian Beaver
I know what you’re all thinking… WHAT the fuck is this post going to be about?
Well, it’s another classic Frat-Pack email exchange but in order to fully appreciate it, you WILL NEED TO KNOW the following information:
1. I used to work as a tax adviser
2. Some common acronyms one might encounter in that line of work: CGT – capital gains tax, IHT – inheritance tax, PAYE – pay as you earn, SDLT – stamp duty land tax; payable on the purchase of certain assets
3. I’ve been known to ‘hang-out’ with escorts on occasion
4. A couple of common acronyms one might encounter in THAT line of work: GFE – girlfriend experience, OWO – oral without a condom
5. Long story, but I own an apartment in a ski resort in BC, Canada (sadly not in Whistler). And as I bought it a year before the financial world imploded, it’s been a pain in my arse ever since.Of course rather than lend the occasional shoulder to cry on, the guys have pretty much taken the piss out of me non-stop, with Flembo even dubbing it The Beaver Lodge on account of the ‘beaver infestation’ in the area. Just to clarify, there are no fucking beavers there! But sometimes I wish there were so they’d destroy the place and I could claim on the insurance.
See. No beavers. Though I accept it looks as though I made this out of Lego.
Right, now on with the show. I’d returned from South America around two months earlier and was touching base with the guys about future employment plans.
…
From: Sean Smithson
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:05
To: The Frat-Pack
So apparently getting a part-time gig in tax is pretty hard, if not impossible.
A girl I met travelling mentioned male escorting and I decided to do some digging… I’ve actually looked into this once before but now I’m desperate. Plus GQ did an article on it and some of the agencies seemed kosher.
One of them (which I won’t reveal in case I go ahead with this and you guys find my profile one day) has an advert posted by this guy. No wonder Guns hasn’t been responding to any of my recent emails..?
Dude, I’m sorry for stealing your picture
but you have no idea how much you look like Guns.
From: Guns
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:32
Sean you are better than that! I have plenty of male friends that could provide you with some company. Hell, even I’m still willing to hang out with you for a beer. I am not prepared to take it to the next level though!! How much are you willing to pay (for interest only)?
Look, if you’re desperate I have a mate who says that he will try anything once.
Let me know if you want his details?
I really will never understand what ‘your usual spec’ is!
From: Stingray
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:33
Its ok Guns, I’m in on the email…
From: Sean Smithson
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:35
I don’t know if you two planned that? But that was genius.
From: Guns
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:40
He does the full BFE too!
From: Unknown Male
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:42
I’m just thinking what Sean’s list of acronyms for services rendered would be:
BFE, PAYE, CGT, IHT… I could go on.
From: Northern Monkey
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:45
Ha. Nice touch.
From: Frank-Kay
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:50
In view of his recent exploits and with a bit of latitude: SDLT – Sean Does Latin (American) Totty.
From: Basis
Sent: 12 April 2013 13:52
Remember, we can still offer all those services in-house.
From: Sean Smithson
Sent: 12 April 2013 14:00
I like that Basis. And he’s got a good point chaps.
From: Slacks
Sent: 12 April 2013 14:05
All acronyms will have the suffix ‘WO’ given track record. Unknown Male, you missed KFCWO.
From: Twin D
Sent: 12 April 2013 14:10
And don’t forget the BEETLE!! LOOOOOL!
This was arguably my most disturbing sex story ever.
But let’s save that for another day.
From: Flembo
Sent: 12 April 2013 14:20
What’s the SDLT payable on a pile of Canadian sawdust?
From: Panda Bear
Sent: 12 April 2013 14:22
The Beaver Lodge…
From: Sean Smithson
Sent: 12 April 2013 14:25
C#nts!
From: Flembo
Sent: 12 April 2013 14:30
So good… Just so good.
So much so that The Beaver even thought to play a violin for you…
HOW did he even find this?
…
Now obviously that email backfired on me spectacularly but hopefully YOU enjoyed it and can also see just why I love those guys. As always, I welcome your comments – particularly if you want to share anymore sex acronyms – but please also take note of the following:
1. For enquiries about your UK, US (I worked as a dual handler for two years) or more recently, Canadian rental, tax affairs, quote (1);
2. For enquiries about The Beaver Lodge – rental, purchase or if you just fancy getting shit faced and naked with me in the hot tub – quote (2); and finally
3. For enquiries about my ‘personal services’, quote (3). Include Stingray in your booking and receive up to 25% off.NB – you are paying for our time and companionship only. Anything ‘extra’ is between consenting adults and does not form part of the transaction. But I’ll probably throw that extra stuff in for free.
Oh and in case you’re wondering (I assume many of you are), I did follow through with the escorting thing… And it did not end well.
…
If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.
92 comments on “Sex acronyms, Tax services and a Canadian Beaver”
Comment and you could win a date with me
Lololz
The peektures. Love it.
Although if you ever feel like lending me use of said lego building let me know.
I have a bucket list item I need to tick off.
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I was worried about this one as there are a lot of ‘in-jokes’ so I’m really pleased you liked it Sharn. And yes, Flembo excelled himself with the pictures. Fucking cock.
No way, is one of your items ‘getting shit faced and naked with a British guy in a hot tub’? Because if so, then yes, I’ll consider it.
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That’s such an easy deal!
Only if you’ll help me find a mountie.
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He won’t be getting naked with us, will he? If so then the deals off.
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Hah.
Err.
Are all mounties male?
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Ps. You have to tell the beetle story. Dying to know.
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Oh forgot to at that it was easy to follow, no worries!
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Are you going to share your escort “thing” with us?
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Absolutely. One day…
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And by the way, I’m disappointed. I totally thought you were going to hit me with some acronyms Samara.
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Dude, I don’t know accounting- I know Wall St.
I know ROI, ABS, GUDD, EBITA, FRB.
And ASSHOLE. There’s that one. That’s the main one I remember from Wall St.
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Ha. I like you more each time we speak.
I was actually hoping for some sex acronyms but I have to admit, EBITDA is one of my all time favourites.
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Sean, Sean, Sean-
Must you pull this out of me before I’m ready to publish this post?
Back in the day, I had a job where I had to know lots of sex acronyms.
FBSM, GS, OWO, OWOTC, BDSM…
No. I wasn’t an escort.
It’s part of my New York Stories series. But I’m trying to Change My Image.
So I’ll hide it here, in YOUR comment section, instead of on MY blog. hehehe
xo,
S
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Lolz. I’d like to go for number two please.
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Rental, purchase or getting naked in the hot tub?
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Seriously, I got a little turned on by the beaver shots – being a true patriotic true-blooded Canadian and all. I think I may sit back and figure out some beaver acronyms.
BFE… yikes. It’s only a matter of time before the movie comes out.
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I wonder how many readers were hoping for the other kind..?
Yes, please do share any beaver acronyms man. I just have to hope that Flembo doesn’t come back to visit this page, otherwise I’m sure they’ll surface in future email abuse.
Yikes indeed. You have no idea what Stingray is capable of…
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BEETLE… you have to, now. I used to work for Canadians. Not an interesting story. Not an interesting people (sorry Victoria). Music? Rush, Alanis Morissette, Nickleback… Christ… I pity the beavers, really. Especially the one with the violin – he must be a tax lawyer as he’s on the fiddle (English joke circa 1956).
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Really? I quite like them and their country. In fact, that’s one of the reasons behind the bloody Beaver Lodge. The BEETLE will have to wait for now. But it was certainly a corker.
I got the fiddle joke. And enjoyed it. Nice touch.
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I’m probably just jaundiced by a not-so-great job. A bit unfair to paint them all the same. Still don’t like Nickelback, though.
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I am fairly certain Christ was middle eastern, and has yet to be nominated for a Juno nomination.
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Hey, long time no see (on the blog anyway).
Ha. I was going to say to him, ‘dude be prepared for some ripostes as there are a few regular readers from Canada.’ It’s a fair point about Christ.
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You know we want more details now regarding you adventures ‘escorting’ the beaver to the hot tub, or did you not escort them that far lol
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Nowhere near as far Juls. And like the other shit that happens to me, you will not have seen this coming.
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But that’s why we all adore you, you make the unexpected unbelievably entertaining and strangely acceptable 🙂
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“Strangely acceptable”… That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard Juls, thanks.
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Lol there is hope for me yet, what with you being so easily pleased and all 😉 lol
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I love your friends!
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I don’t anymore. They’re cocks.
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I’m familiar with cocks… Wait…
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Ha. I shall make sure to include you on the next email thread after that.
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An honour I’m sure 🙂
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Great post. But what a terrible tease about your attempt at being an escort! Years ago I thought about trying a male escort service. I liked the “in and out”, “no questions” etc, aspect of it. Felt like too dark a road for me though. Then I discovered Pof and Okcupid. I wonder if Internet dating has hurt the escort biz. Can’t wait to hear your story!
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Let’s just say, there are some unscrupulous characters out there… But I will tell the whole story one day.
My biggest challenge was finding WOMEN who were interested in using one. I know you said you decided against it but if any of your friends are keen, I’m all ears. Basically, I’m asking if you’ll be my pimp?
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Lol! Love to help you out. But most of my women friends retired their libidos years ago. 😦 I sooooo don’t get that. They think I’m highly oversexed.
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Please tell me you did eventually register with the male escort site.
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C’mon now Aussa, do you even need to ask..?
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EXCELLENT!
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I suddenly feel inadequate as my beaver plays no violin.
Damn it.
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Megan, I’m SURE your beaver is more than adequate my dear.
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Skin flute? (Yes, cheap joke)
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I am at a loss. I guess I am too tired to try to make any dirty acroynyms much less try to figure them out. I did like the pictures and your leggo condo building. Is the hot tub indoors or out? I guess it doesn’t really matter….. You don’t mind who watches you..
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Oh no, I hope at least part of it made sense though Julie? The Lego building is lovely isn’t it? Very colourful. Shame that doesn’t translate into any profit though…
Who watches US Julie. Who watches us. It’s outside so this point is most important.
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ok fine. you don’t care who watches us. Outdoor hot tubs are better anyway. 😉
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I think GAYE covers both your financial and escort sides, acronym-wise. In fact I’m so pleased with that one that I may do a small dance around my bedroom.
Plus I’ve been stood up by a promising Wing Commander this evening who turned out not to be single, so I’ll go for option 2 and GAYGDAG (GDAF being Get Dirty Al Fresco), thanks.
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As another blogger recently said to me (in response to a comment I’d left on her blog), you’s a smart one Cotswold Girl, you’s a smart one… I LOVE that and can’t believe that none of the guys thought about it at the time. As I said to Janey (above), I’ll be sure to cc you on future email correspondence.
Sorry about the Wing Commander. But yes, if we ever happen to be in BC at the same time, let’s make that happen.
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Thank you Mr Smithson, thank you. It was one of my finer moments, I thought.
What are your feelings about shallow paddling pools in Oxfordshire? I mean I know BC is stunningly gorgeous, but you ain’t seen nothing like my back garden. The drains have been fixed n’ ev’ryfing.
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That’s sounds like a booking request, right? I mean, I don’t usually visit clients at their homes on the first meeting but I’m sure I can make an exception for you…
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Why thanks honey (imagine Southern drawl) (Southern US, not Southern UK. Somerset accents have a more limited appeal I find)
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Roger that. I hear you loud and clear on that one.
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My ex’s 70-year-old mother introduced me to BDSM. An interesting story that I’ll never write a post about! Dying to hear the escort and beetle stories!
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That does sound like an interesting story Linda. May not be appropriate for Expat Eye but if you do ever decide to write about it, I’d certainly be happy to post it?
In time my friend. In time… Though seriously, I’m not sure you DO want to hear about the beetle…
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You underestimate me my friend, tut tut 😉
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I’m here for a story about a beetle? I was told there would be a beetle.
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Very good La La, very good. OK I haven’t actually written it yet but I’ll see if I can bump it up the list…
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Yes please!
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Extra stuff for free huh? You’ve got a generous soul Smithson but alas, not the hard nosed acumen of a property developer. Ouch to the apartment purchase. Still, booms usually follow busts, so hang on in there.
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Booms usually follow busts… Jeez Christina, are you never not thinking about sex? Honestly, you’re as bad as me!
Ha. Yes, I definitely wasn’t meant for the world of property development or investment… Oh well… at least it’s got that hot tub.
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Did you know that your alcohol bill is much cheaper after you’ve invested in a hot tub. All the warm water drives the drink straight to your head. It’s true. Would I lie to you?
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So THAT’S why there are no hot tubs in any pubs or bars in London. I had wondered…
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Okay, I’m a little more clear headed this evening and much of my confusion was no doubt due to the drugs. I cannot wait to hear about your time as a male escort! Your friends seem like a bunch of joyous wankers and loads of fun. Okay, I’m still on drugs. Anyway…
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Joyous wankers. That’s probably the nicest thing anyone has said about them. Thanks Steph, I’ll be sure to mention that the next time I see them.
And trust me, you CAN wait to hear about it. It really didn’t pan out as well as I’d hoped…
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I’m just a little bit in love with your friends…
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Don’t encourage them Lola. They’re mean, insensitive bastards.
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You just described ‘my type’!
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It would never work between us…
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I refuse to believe you’re all sweetness and light Mr.Smithson!
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Mr Smithson, you definitely owe us two more stories. One about a beetle and one about being a male escort. I’ve got an acronym I just made up now if you’re interested? It’s kinda tax-related. Are you ready? VAT…. vagina arsehole tits. Witty, right?
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A tad crude my dear (rich coming from me, I know) but I’ll give you it on account of the tax reference.
Yes, I know, I know. I’m just biding my time as they both take my level of overshare and embarrassment to a new low. Or should I say high…
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Ah. I see. I just got caught up in the moment and blurted it out. Damn. Can I make up a new one about babies and flowers and cuddling that will make me seem ladylike again? (Again?!)
Waiting on those stories when you feel able to share…..
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You are pretty darn handsome. The work should start to pile in. As for your Canadian condo. I’m guessing Vernon or Kelowna’s ski hills. 😦 Really really sad face for your timing on the buy.
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Aww, thank you Shelley. Though I don’t know if you’re taking the piss or being sincere… I’m going to assume the latter.
Kelowna – I knew you’d figure it out. Hopefully I’ve weathered the worst of the storm now. Fingers crossed…
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Now I crave some Beaver Tails.
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You really don’t Nancy, trust me. But I’ll tell you about it anyway… Oh wait you said tails not tales. My bad.
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Carry on.
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Best. Beaver. Post. EVER!
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Ha. Thanks man.
When I’m next in Canada, I was going to propose picking you and Trent up from the East Coast and heading to the Lodge so we can try to catch all the little fuckers.
Or failing that we can just get drunk and go bowling? There’s an alley and a bar on the ground floor of the Lodge.
Or skiing of course.
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All great options!
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What, so you escorted? Men or women? And why didn’t it end well? Do tell, Sean!?
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Ha. All in good time… By which I mean, I’m working on that post right now!
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This just made me giggle like a schoolgirl with a crush. Love your writing. I’m going back for more.
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Well that’s even better than what I was hoping for when I posted it. It’s nice to have you back.
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I’m happy to be back. 🙂
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GFE, girlfriend experience? You crack me up Mr. Sean.
Nice to be back, hadn´t read this one. So male escort eh?I have my inquiries since you are the expert in advicing. How much are you going to charge by the hour you didn´t say and are you going to do oral without condom?
Forgot.
You scared the shit out of me when I read at the beginning the Beaver thing, I though you where going to write a post about Justin Beaver, though you where becoming a little sissy, thank God it wasn´t didn´t know that little animal which seems it eats through all kinds of wood plus plays I´m pretty sure the piano too was the symbol of the country.
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Good point Charly, I didn’t specify my price did I? Let me have a think about it and I’ll get back to you…
Nice to have you back man. Not sure if you’ve read the latest one either have you? Should be right up your street too.
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Let me know about the price, I can be your pimp.
Read the latest one later and have a couple of laughs.
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The clients will cover the flights to and from Spain though, right?
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No, you´re nuts. I´ll first rob a bank, then go to Canada, get a false passport and start the pimping there. It´s all figured out.
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Sean, somehow I feel like I know you… 🙂 amie
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Did you used to be an escort in London by any chance..? If so, then quite possibly.
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🙂 No, but that sounds like something not too far off reality for me! 🙂 You can know someone but reading what they write… Would you say you know me…even a little? 🙂
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I can honestly say that I’ve never known anyone quite like you, Amie.
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