Smithson vs Curious – The Ones That Got Away
So I was wondering the other day whether there were any women out there who were as ‘unlucky in love’ as I appear to be, when I stumbled across this gem from Curious Emily. Whilst she’s not quite as self-sabotaging as me, she certainly knows a thing or two about chasing lost causes. But don’t take my word for it, have a read and see for yourself.
Apologies in advance (rest of the world) for all the Britishisms. And for her appalling language. For a lady she really does have quite the potty-mouth. But then again that’s also part of her charm.
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Bollocks to fate (see what I mean); anyone with half a brain knows that everything – including matters of the heart and associated organs – comes down to luck. Sometimes things work out for the best (or worst) just because you’re in the right place at the right time.
Usually I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. Here’s just a few of “the ones that got away”.
Fit David
Fit David was the only bloke at my artistic roller skating club and I was completely infatuated with him. He was fit even when he tore his groin this one time trying to do an arabesque and had to take two weeks off.
OK so it’s not an arabesque
but I’m sure one could tear their groin just as easily doing this
Unfortunately, my best friend Hannah also really fancied him, which was sad for me as she was leggy and blonde and nine months older, which counts for a lot when you are twelve. I was completely heartbroken when he asked her out, but love’s young dream is often fleeting and they broke up within two weeks, much to my secret delight. Alas, I still had three tyres and more chins than a Chinese phone book so I didn’t even get sloppy seconds, but if I couldn’t have him I was at least happy that nobody else did either.
FD is now bald as a cucumber and, as far as I can tell from my extremely well-developed Facebook stalking skills, one of the most boring bastards alive. So actually this one was probably for the best.
Bus Bateman
I usually cycle to work, but if I have somewhere to go afterwards I take the bus. Sometimes a man I like to call Bus Bateman gets on and graces us all with his sexy presence. There is no doubt that BB gets dressed next to a framed photograph of Christian Bale from American Psycho, who is without doubt the finest example of a man there ever was. I can’t really argue with her on this one.
BB even has the hair – chestnut brown and slicked back – which, although a bit of a dickish hairstyle, he totally rocks. He wears well-cut wool suits with shiny shoes and once, on one glorious summer’s day, a skinny tweed tie. I know BB is my kind of guy because he does nothing to hide his disgust when people get on the bus in jogging bottoms.
Nothing will ever happen with BB because I am 95% sure he is gay. Not to be unfair to straight dudes, but it’s rare that someone as well-dressed as him likes to fuck women. Also, one time he sat in front of me and I sort of leaned forward a bit to see if he smelled of Paul Sebastian for Men, which is what Patrick Bateman wears in the book. Sadly, his attention to detail was not as good as I had thought; not only had he neglected the all-important cologne factor, but he was also browsing Grindr on his Blackberry. Which obviously the real Bateman would never do.
Crinkles
I was recently at a club in Covent Garden and decided to leave at around 3am because I’d lost everyone except the friend of a friend who was trying his best to put his hand down my trousers. It wasn’t happening though. This was because he
a) was shorter than me and
b) had regaled us at pre-drinks with the story of how his ex-girlfriend once blanked him for a week because he fingered her arsehole and wiped the run-off on her own wall. His words, not mine.
There are simply NO MEMES to do (b) justice. Trust me
Five minutes later, the attendant came back with my jacket. “That’s the one!” I said, relieved, as she opened a pocket to check that the contents matched my description. Unfortunately, I’d completely forgotten about the pair of emergency pants stashed in there. Only sensible, really, in case you have to crash unexpectedly at someone’s house or get so drunk you accidentally piss yourself (it hasn’t happened yet but it is one of my greatest fears), but Crinkle-eyes looked so appalled I decided there was no coming back from that and called it a night.
The Greatest Mystery of All Time
GMOAT is a man I met at university who seemed really into me up until the point that he actually had to do something about it. We met when I worked in a bar and he gave me his number on a scrap of paper along with the quid for his bottle of Heineken. At the time I thought it was one of the most romantic things that had ever happened to me. (When we were twenty we considered the pinnacle of chivalry to be when a bloke ties off a condom so you don’t get spunk all over your waste paper basket, so this was definitely something to get excited about.)
For years after we graduated he’d sporadically pop up on Facebook and suggest we go for a drink, but nothing ever panned out. It was so fucking weird I was sure he was a homosexual in denial. It was like he kept running into the great foaming sea of gash (she paints quite the picture, doesn’t she?) with rip-roaring enthusiasm and then changing his mind and running away as soon as he got his toes wet.
One night we both happened to be out in Soho at the same time and I ended up going back to his along with his friend Jules, who was staying over and allegedly flew helicopters for a living. I assumed it was On until we got there and GMOAT disappeared for about an hour to buy Lucozade at 4am. On reflection they were probably on drugs. When GMOAT came back he suggested a devil’s three-way and I ran off to sleep in a spare bedroom while he and Helicopter Jules got cosy. Obviously I was furious but also consumed with Smug because I was right about GMOAT being gay all along.
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And there you have it ladies and gents; proof that I’m not the only one. For more cracking material – whether it’s personal anecdotes or her take on issues that affect many of us – head over to IncurablyCurious.com. From past experience of mentioning other bloggers, I know you’re a very reluctant bunch when it comes to making that extra click but if you liked this, you’d be a fool not to check her out.
And if you still need convincing, she was Freshly Pressed last week (for the non-blogging readers that’s a pretty big deal) and recently featured in the Evening Standard as one of London’s 20 best bloggers.
Though if I was a WordPress editor, I’d have picked her piece, Should you Follow Your Dream, which is second only to Weebles’ What you don’t see, as the best thing I’ve ‘read’ so far this year. You don’t want to know what the best thing I’ve ‘seen’ is.
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What’s my angle I hear you asking? Nothing; I completely lost interest in her after she refused to take part in the devil’s three-way. I just found this fucking hilarious – especially the run-off line – and thought you’d all enjoy it too.
Just a heads-up, she’s generally a bit rubbish at responding to comments (she gets there eventually) though she’ll have no choice but to reply here, otherwise I will on her behalf! And unlike me, she doesn’t rely on memes or gifs to sell her writing (I added them in). But I do, so fuck her. And on that note.
It’s like watching me and Nova on a night out
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If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.
68 comments on “Smithson vs Curious – The Ones That Got Away”
Comment and you could win a date with me
I’m short AND I can skate … who knew I had so much going for me.
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I’m sold.
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Makes me even happier about the one that didn’t get away!
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Ha. Nicely done Guap.
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So I am popping my commenting cherry here. Was it good for you? Love your spinning mind and blog Mr. Sean. We go together like assault and battery.
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Better than all who came before you Snarks.
I think I may even have pissed my pants a little when I saw that you’d commented. Naturally I’d assumed that you were merely responding to ANOTHER one of my comments…
And thanks. Coming from you that’s quite the accolade, especially when you use such sweet words as assault and battery.
Emily, if you get a chance, you should definitely check out Snarky’s site. But not at work. NEVER at work. And likewise Snarks, Curious makes for some great reading. And you can do so anywhere.
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So funny. Snarky always blogs in the morning which makes for a very distracting work day for me as well. Thought I might have learned my lesson. Anyway, now following this Curious woman so thanks for the heads up!
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My pleasure Marissa. She’s equally entertaining. Just not in a penis popping out of a pizza box kind of way!
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Thanks – I’ll check it out. You underestimate my office though; we once spent nearly 90 minutes on a Friday afternoon watching videos of people accidentally wanking off aquatic fauna on YouTube.
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Good God, I am so glad not to be in the dating scene. What a fucking nightmare.
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Well to be fair, other than the short chap who liked fingering arseholes, she can’t really complain can she?
Fit David: Love that young never works out as planned. And then it was two gay guys and a man whom she exposed her pants to..?
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Just the whole grind of trying to find someone, in a sea of assholes and psychopaths…makes me cringe.
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That’s because you’re thinking about ‘trying to find someone’.😉 If you’re genuinely happy to be alone and wait for somebody nice to come along when/if they do, then you can just have a jolly good laugh at the ones that fuck up. Which, to be fair, is basically all of them.🙂
I’m an antisocial fucker at heart though. What I really want from life is basically a clone of myself with a strap-on. So maybe it’s easier for me.
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Ha. I missed the last bit when I first read this comment. That’s essentially what I’m looking for too. Sans strap-on naturally.
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Emily – that is some seriously perfect advice from an antisocial fucker.
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I’m with you on the run-off line being the high point of this post! I’m also definitely stealing “more chins than a Chinese phone book” and passing it off as my own. Fabulous post. I was very gutted that Fit David turned out boring.
Incidentally, my biggest ‘one that got away’ was a guy I daydreamed over for absolutely ages and when it finally developed into something, I had that awful realisation that I didn’t know his name and couldn’t figure out how to ask him it – http://lazylauramaisey.wordpress.com/2012/11/30/i-once-dated-a-man-whos-name-i-didnt-know/
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Yes, I’ve experienced the name problem myself. Though usually in strip clubs. And because I wasn’t listening. Your situation was actually less embarrassing I’d say.
I can’t believe you’ve never heard the chin line before though? Curious is funny no doubt, but I’m not letting her take credit for that one. Not that I came up with it myself mind you.
Yeah, me too. Naturally you’d assume that any man who could hold his own in a roller disco with just women would be the life and soul of the party..?
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Alas, although obscure metaphors are one of my specialities, I can’t take credit for Chins/phone books. Feel free to use it as your own.😉
Always awkward with the name thing – I just read the whole post, really cracked me up! It’s bad enough at work in client meetings (seriously, this is why big corporate offices issue temporary name card lanyard things, I’m sure), so I can’t imagine in this situation.
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Bro. Many thanks for the shoutout. Truth be told, that post of mine ain’t my favorite, but if it gives you a metaphorical boner, then I will cherish it always.
Curious Emily is going on my increasingly unwieldy list of Bloggers I Must Read. The line about the guy wiping the run-off (which in itself is a hilariously unsavory expression) on her wall is beyond comedy gold, it’s comedy platinum. But I’m surprised the ex-gf only blanked him for a week for that, to be honest.
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Shit sorry, I should’ve checked with you first that that was OK. Presumably it was because of those bitches rather than you thinking it was a fairly amateur piece though, right? For what it’s worth, I absolutely loved it. If that wasn’t abundantly clear already of course.
Ah you see now, being a bum allows me to stay on top of the reading list. Though even then there are always new people cropping up… I think I did say to her on the original piece that that may already be the best line of 2014 period. Maybe he was dumped shortly after the blanking?
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Of course it’s okay! No apology needed. And again, the boner makes it all better.
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Just need to butt in here (!!!): if anyone ever played a part in my shit ending up on a wall, mine or anyone else’s, I would never be able to look them in the eye again. Even if they were the love of my life and perfect in every way, it would be over.
Poo ruins everything.
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It’s true. It does.
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She’s the female you – you so have to hook up🙂 LOVED this – especially the arse run off bit – in Latvia you’d probably be shot for that!🙂
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Ha. I don’t think Emily would be particularly enamoured with that comparison Linda. Plus I think you’ll find that she’s far classier. I’m still searching for THAT girl.
Yes, it seems the run-off line is a firm favourite with readers. Emily, do you actually know that guy? If so, I’d like to shake his (other) hand.
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I believe she also gets the credit for your much easier on the eye blog format🙂 I like her!
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How the hell did you know that?
You’re right though. Her abuse (constructive criticism) was certainly justified.
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I know everything😉
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He’s actually a mate of TYTG’s, who I met on a night out. Normally I can get past pretty much anything – no matter how gross – in the name of comedy, but I’m really anal (!) about height. I wear some pretty huge heels.
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I feel her pain. It’s like we are meeting the same herd of douchecanoes! WTF has happened to all the nice guys? Oh that’s right they are married, gay or gayly married lol! I am a tall girl and I am beginning to think about which cat will share my life (I stole that meme to chuck on fb). See ya in Oz Sean!
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Yes that meme sums up the situation fairly well unfortunately, speaking as an about average height man! Steal away. Though I think she’s pretty relaxed about the whole situation..?
Hopefully.
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That’s good Linda!
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I’m a little confused Blossom. Which part of Linda’s ball busting are you specifically referring to?
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The bit about Latvia. What did you think I was referring to ?
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Oh… I thought you were referring to her suggestion that Emily and I should hook-up. Linda makes that suggestion with pretty much every female blogger I’ve had any virtual dealings with.
She’s clearly jealous. But it’s her own fault for living in Latvia.
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Who knows? She may be onto something. ..matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match… ya never know…
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I also feel her pain. Love her stuff and your added visuals Sean.
I wish I had a buck (or a pound) for every gay boy I fell for in college. I think some of them saw me as the “final frontier” before coming out. A few came out while still in bed with me! I may have to do a post on the correlation between men and what they do with their used condoms.
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Ah OK. You meant Emily, not Linda. That’s what threw me.
They came out whilst in bed with you? Wow. Even I’m lost for words. Though at least you made it to that stage I guess.
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NOW I’m totally confused😦 Isn’t Linda in Latvia?
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It was no big deal really. That was a different time, pre-HIV when everyone was exploring with their sexuality. Now I’m “dating” myself. I’ll just back out of the room slowly…Have a good night!
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Don’t even get me started on fit gay men. It’s like all the best-looking blokes are jumping ship to go and suck each other off. The best-looking man I know is gay AND we live together. I tried to convince him to give girls a whirl once but he said we “make his cock floppy”, so no dice.
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Well…no one likes a floppy cock! right?
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Yeah, I know. It was disappointing but fair.
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At least he didn’t string you along. Some gay men will use women as abeard and the woman is the last to know it! Lol
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The English version of me! I must follow her…
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Definitely do. She’s well worth the read.
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Emily was definitely worthy of your time and space, Sean.
Well done, everyone!
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Thanks man. From me and Emily. Like I said, she’s pretty shit at responding to comments.
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Aah, thanks.🙂
@Sean: I get there eventually, you cheeky fucker.
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Hahahaha this made me all kinds of happy tonight. Sort of felt like reading a sitcom.
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Ah Ms Lorens, you’re back. How was the trip?
When I initially read your comment I thought, she must be referring to the awesome gifs I found as they certainly made me all kinds of happy. But then you made the sitcom reference and I realised you were actually talking about Emily’s stories… OK, I guess they were pretty awesome too.
And actually yes, they do kind of read like individual episodes. Emily, how good is your script writing?
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Ah, the trip was rather glorious. I just wish it lasted longer, like possibly for the rest of my life.
The gifs were certainly mesmerizing– I watched the roller skating up-down one for a period of time I do not wish to disclose.
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I like her. Thanks for the tip, Sean, will definitely check this out. I like a good potty mouth.
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No worries man. Yes, I suspected that you might. Plus the Britishness of it all should bring back some fond memories too.
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Yeah it always does.
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I always considered myself tall… until recently. and I have cats. and no man in my life. hmmmm… I may have to go see what else she has to say…
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Definitely do. She’s wise beyond her years… And on the bright side, at least you have the cats.
PS – Welcome back. I missed your chutzpah.
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A very entertaining reminder of the bad old days…she definitely has a way of helping us visualize!
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She’s quite the wordsmith, yes.
And speaking of wordsmiths… if you have time, you should definitely check out Girl Seule’s take on navigating another woman’s private parts!
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Yeah, so like I could totally comment on the content but it’s so fucking brilliant there’s no point.
Formal questions:
– where do I see the date of your post? I think I’m blind.
Also, sorry for being gone for ages. Was reading on my mobile though over the last couple of months when I couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed. Thank you for entertaining me there😉
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Ha. Don’t be silly, there’s no need to apologise for anything. Though I’m glad to hear I was able to entertain you in bed. Usually that’s not something I can do…
And as for the dates, you can’t I’m afraid. As I removed that and a load of other information from the side bar as I didn’t like the way it looked.
However, the dates of all the posts ARE visible on the homepage. But to further frustrate you, I often piss around with them in order to change where they appear. Sorry…
Thanks for the kind words though. I’ll be sure to mention it to Curious next time we speak.
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See, normally I’d laugh, except I’m tired of guys who can’t entertain me in bed…
Moving on!!
I’ll try to deal with the uncertainty cause by undated posts, even though that is breaking the rules!
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It’s just the use of the phrase ‘run-off’ that… well… that’s just somehow perfect. But it’s specifically ‘her wall’, I note – would she have grudgingly spoken to him again if he’d had the good grace to only confine such habits to his own walls?
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An interesting point my friend. Who knows?
And apologies for the delayed response. I’ve been away for the last month. Trying to create my own run-off scenario amongst other things…
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I’m still giggling at the tall girls bit. Guys love tall girls. So it’s all rubbish. OK. Some of it’s rubbish. They get guys AND cats. Nicole Kidman has never had any problem getting guys… Hope the book is steaming off the shelves Smithson. Long time no see. Have you had to leave the country?😉
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Ha. Of course SHE has no problem getting guys. But I think I speak for the majority of men when I say that we feel a little self-conscious around taller women…
As for the book, I hope so too but judging by the number of clicks on the purchase links, I’d say that’s very unlikely. Perhaps I should have waited until it was actually available? Or once the eBook was out too. Oh well… At least you’re still here Christina.
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Emily’s pretty funny and so are you – mordant, I think the word is.
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I actually had to look that up. And am very pleased that I did; thank you. Though I’d say she’s funnier.
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