NO Planes, Trains & Automobiles
As one of the newbies at the FIRM, I was keen to attend every social gathering going; even Friday night drinks with the old-timers.
One guy in particular, Big Fat Pauly, who was considered some sort of folk legend, couldn’t resist telling me about the shit he used to pull when he was my age. And as I stood there pretending to lap it all up, I remember thinking, Whatever old man, your tales wouldn’t even make the appendix if I ever chose to write a book.
It was getting close to midnight and I was getting impatient. So I chugged my beer, made my excuses and headed for the exit. But before the door closed, I could just make out the words, “same time next week then?”
Someone kill me now if all my Friday nights are going to be like this.
I’d have preferred not to catch a cab all the way home. However I had around nine minutes to make my last train and there was no bus in sight. Plus if I didn’t make a move soon there was a risk of being caught by Pauly on his way out. Luckily I managed to find an unlicensed cabbie and explained my predicament to him.
“Look I need to get to Waterloo a.s.a.p. in order to catch the last train. But it leaves in a few minutes AND I need to stop off for cash on the way. If I miss it, we can just carry on all the way to mine ok?”
This should have been the part where he said yes or no but he just stared blankly at me. Well bollocks, I’m getting in.
He clearly understood the Waterloo part, as we pulled up just in front of the main entrance around five minutes later.
“Right, wait here. I need to check if the train has left yet.” He looked at me in a somewhat alarmed manner.
“Don’t look at me like that. I told you I needed to get money out. We even passed an HSBC en route. Look, there are cash machines literally on the other side of the entrance. I’ll quickly run up to the concourse, check if my train is still there and come straight back.”
Still nothing. This would be a lot easier if you spoke, you know?
“You’re worried that I won’t come back right?” He nodded and smiled.
“Ok look.” I paused to think about what I could use as collateral. I wasn’t going leave my credit card and I don’t wear a watch. Leaving my shoes would have made for a more amusing story but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time. So in the end, my only real option was my tie.
…
“Here’s my tie. She’s one of my favourites and you have my word that I’ll come back for her.”
I checked to make sure Drives was satisfied with my offering – as a man of so few words, I couldn’t tell either way – before marching up the escalator to locate my train.
Phew. The 11.54 to Dorking hasn’t left… Fuck it’s 11.52. What do I do?
…
A cab all the way home would usually cost £50 (maybe £40 depending on my rapport with Drives). And the fare to just Waterloo would’ve been about £10 at that time.
I bought the tie for £25 in ’04. Allowing for wear & tear over the previous two years, I’d say her ‘book value’ was about £12.50. Weigh that up against the fare to Waterloo and I was down £2.50 (ignoring any emotional loss of course).
But I would save £40 by being able to catch the train; so a notional gain of £37.50.
Screw it. Run for the train.
…
I felt bad about duping Drives but the alcohol and my ‘paper gain’ soon made me forget. Plus he’d be the best dressed cat on the road with that tie. Which, I’ll now confess came free with a previous suit purchase.
Revised notional gain of £50. Deceiving people is great.
Next stop XXX.
Karma… She’s a bitch!
Conductor: “Wake up. We’re at Dorking. You need to get off.”
Me: “What the fuck? Are you serious?”
Conductor: “Deadly sir. And that was the last train. There’s nothing into London now till the morning.”
Me: “Horse shit. Is there a taxi rank anywhere?”
Conductor: “Yes there’s a black cab pick-up point just outside the station. Where were you supposed to get off?”
Me: “XXX.”
Conductor: “Oh dear.” Dorking was well and truly in the burbs and there would definitely be a premium after midnight. “You’re looking at around £70 to get back there sir.”
…
What? The whole bloody point of my earlier trade was to save money, not lose more!
The conductor was right; including tip, the total fare back cost me £65. And I was over an hour later than I would’ve been had I have just stuck with Drives.
No tie and a real loss of £65. Deceiving people is wrong.
Don’t do it or shit like this can happen.
I mentioned my scenic route home to another junior member of staff the following week and regretted doing so immediately afterwards as I was worried what people may think if word got round that I ran out on paying my fare.
Running into Drives again was my other major concern. Though that was only likely at night and my plan was to avoid any pubs in the area for the next month or so.
The days went by and I was clearly obsessing over nothing. But at around midday the following Thursday I received a call from the front desk.
This was unusual as a client certainly wouldn’t have asked for me directly. Nor would any of my friends have popped in unannounced.
…
Me: “Hello, Sean here.”
Receptionist: “Hi, could you come downstairs please? I’ve got a rather irate black gentleman down here holding a red tie and your business card. He says you owe him some money?”
OH. SHIT. How the fuck did he find me? I was struggling to think of a response as I was concentrating so hard on not pissing my pants.
Me: “Oh God. Sorry, would you mind paying him and I’ll give you the money later?”
Receptionist: “No can do I’m afraid. I don’t have my wallet with me.”
Me: “OK, thanks anyway.”
As I continued to writhe in agony in my chair, I started to go over what the ‘Receptionist’ had said:
1. Irate black man – check;
2. Red tie – check;
3. My business card – hang on; I didn’t have any as I was still too new.
“Sorry, who am I speaking to again please?”
By this stage I was on speaker phone and all I could hear was the sound of at least three of the old-timers guffawing on the other end of the line before the ‘Receptionist’ a.k.a. Big Fat Pauly put me out of my misery and hung up.
…
Well played old man. You clearly do know how to have a laugh. And would you look at that; you’re a feature in a main story.
It’s just not the same
By the way, Lewins no longer make that tie. So to any of the readers currently living in London; if you ever happen to get in an unlicensed cab with a silent, African fellow wearing a bright red tie with sky blue – almost anchor, almost paisley – design, please tell him that Sean is sorry, he wants his tie back and that he is willing to pay much more than the original £10 fare for it.
…
If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.
158 comments on “NO Planes, Trains & Automobiles”
Comment and you could win a date with me
Haha! This is brilliant!
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Thanks brown bear 89.
This is actually one of my favourite stories (not that I enjoyed it at the time) so I’m glad it has finally received a comment. And from a complete hottie!
Sorry, the douchebag is pre-programmed; I can’t help it…
Unless of course you thought that was cute or endearing? In which case. How you doin..?
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Haha you kill me. Just your comment here is enough haha
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Seriously, you’ve got to stop being so nice or I’m going to fall for you!
Thanks again though. I really am glad you like my stuff.
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Haha well I’m not a hooker, so I’m not really your type
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Touché!
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I’ve met people who have gotten hookers, but you my friend make it an art form.
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I was afraid the cabbie would be the one to pick you up after snoozing on the train. Your story was better.
My hatred is growing. But who cares, I’m still here. Still reading. Although I should be writing. I’m on a tight schedule. Glad to know it’s not all about sex, yet I’m sure a link could be found somewhere. There is always a link.
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Haha. Thank you again for the support. Yeah Big Fat Pauly got me good that time.
I’m glad you’re still reading… In spite of the hatred. And you’re right; there’s always a link. You don’t even need to go far to see it on this story – I’ve hit on anyone that’s left a comment!
The only reason I’m not trying it on with you now is because you’re married.
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ha! Shit… right.
Big Fat Pauly was quite the guy. (notice the quick change of subject?)
Remember: hatred is a form of adoration. We don’t waste hate on the useless.
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Hahahaha! What a night. I’m laughing with you, not at you, I swear.
Karma is a b****.
And Big Fat Pauly…watch out for that one. He’s obviously got some guts.
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Laugh with me, at me; it’s absolutely fine. So long as you enjoyed it.
Yeah Pauly’s a smart cat and I’m sure he’ll probably rear his fat, trouble-making head again somewhere down the line…
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This is great, made me laugh. I have fallen asleep on trains trying to get home from the city more times than I can remember. I leave the city and it’s dark, next thing I know the sun is up, I have dribble all down my chin and I’m somewhere out the back of Cambeltown.
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Thank you kindly girlseule. Yes, this has definitely happened to me on more than one occasion. The falling asleep part that is.
I was really enjoying some of your stories this morning by the way. My spider-sense detects a possible collaboration on the horizon…
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Hey thanks! Yeah I reckon your spider sense might be right a collaboration sounds cool, let me know if you have any ideas.
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Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Why thank you.
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Why do you think of your tie as ‘she’? Is it because most women want to wring your neck? 😉
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Cute… But no. It was something I picked up from my good friend Slacks. He always referred to his suits (ties, shoes…) as “she’s a” and it just stuck I guess.
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Awwwww…
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never fail to bring a smile on my face!
😉
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Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it; it’s one of my favourites. Though I really do miss that tie…
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I do believe I own a pink tie. Want it?
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Haha. Well that one was red. But I do like pink too so yes please. Though you must let me buy you a drink in return..?
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I’ll trade it for a black sock (always seem to be missing one), and a Guinness 😉
or 10.
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10 Guinnesses..? Could make for a very interesting night… And I’m not even making this up; I lost a black sock the last time I went out so you can have the one I did manage to keep hold of!
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I see a deal here then! and – went out and lost a sock? I usually lose my dignity and any morals I might have.
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My kind of girl.
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The last time I went to London was for the Olympics. I felt like a fish, always trying to rise to the surface but never quite succeeding.Which is a cruel blow for a fish.
Enjoyed new friend.
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Yes, London can be a bit much on a regular day but during the Olympics..? Poor you.
I actually came back specifically for the games before travelling to Africa and thought it was just amazing. Though I never actually saw any of the events live, the buzz in the city was fantastic…
Glad you liked the story and thanks for subscribing too. I really appreciate it.
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Hysterical. Made my work morning a tad bit more enjoyable. Thanks brah.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it and thank YOU for leaving a comment. If you need anymore ‘pick me ups’, the site is littered with embarrassing stories…
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Haha! I hit that follow button already, way ahead of you!
And can’t wait to read more. Sometimes it’s better to read other peoples’ embarrassments rather than linger on my own hah
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Killer story! Reminds me of when, early into my 2 years stint living in London, I opted for the late night Friday train out from The City. Man, the thing had basically turned into a vomitorium for all the (other) drinkers by the time I reached my stop – so always opted to take a minicab after that. Used to run about £25 – so figured it was well worth it. And I never had to give up a tie 🙂
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I hear you man. I don’t risk the last train anymore as it usually doesn’t end well… for my clothing or my wallet.
£25? So this was either a while ago or you didn’t live too far outside the City. Either way, it seems you made the right call!
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Rarely is karma so literal, so swift, and so poetic. The universe isn’t even trying to play around with this one. It’s practically writing you a love note. 🙂
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How very eloquently put. Thank you. Though personally, I would’ve gone for “You got served!”
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You’re so street, Sean. 🙂
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True dat shawdy… Or is it shorty? SO street!
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Oh this made me laugh, so thanks for the laughs =)
Karma can be such a bitch.
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You’re most welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it. And yes, she’s a bitch alright. I suspect that I won’t have seen the last of her either…
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This story is fabulous! I can’t believe you got to Dorking. A friend of mine once jumped on what he thought was the Circle line and thought it would be fine to have a nap as it would just keep going round and round. Unfortunately, he had got on a District line and when he woke up, he was in Barking at 12.45am. Barking is not South Kensington. Barking is almost not even London anymore. It’s like the countryside or somewhere equally as horrible and foreign. I laughed when he told me this story. For a long time.
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Fabulous? High praise indeed, thank you.
Yes, one of my brothers has actually gone all the way to Dorking and back into central London. It seems that some drivers aren’t actually that fussed about the contents of their trains… Though in fairness to the guy, it wasn’t the last one of the night, clearly.
Oh wow. I’d say that’s far worse than what happened to me. I was once courting a girl from around that area so know just how dire that situation is.
I trust he made it home eventually though?
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He did. He was suitably embarrassed and I did nothing to assure him that ‘we all do that kind of thing’. I was like, ‘Omygod, you’re such a fool. I have soooo never done that.’ Cause I’m kind that way.
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Yo Sean!! Saw you read my cool poem, I´m the new shakespeer in town.
Leaving a red tie as collateral? what a story. Actually brought back good memories and bad. I remember Waterloo station, since I lived nearby for two weeks there. Fun two weeks, can´t get into much detail. And I also remember the times that I myself have gotten in to a bus, drunk as a skunk, passed my stop and end up where God lost his lighter. Then wait in the freezing cold for hours until the first bus of the morning came.
At least my co-workers didn´t play any tricks on me,
angry black man-check,
gotta give it to you.
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Yeah man, falling asleep on any mode of transport when you are drunk and waking up in a foreign land is definitely a killer…
Ha. Glad you liked that. Though if anyone deserves any credit, it’s Big Fat Pauly. He really is a master prankster.
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Reblogged this on The Office Inbetweener and commented:
Apologies for another re-blog but I need your help.
You see, I have an interview this Wednesday and whilst I have a suit, shirt and shoes; there is no tie.
Please read through this story (again / for the first time) and if you happen to have seen Drives or indeed my tie, get in touch post haste.
Thank you muchly.
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Don’t sweat dude, I’ll buy you this one, it suits you;
http://www.zazzle.ca/undefined_neck_tie-151784377400504123
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Love it! The comment and the tie… Thank you.
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Very amusing. Imagine going out front to begin another taxi ordeal, None there, waiting 10min, then the guy from town drives up…wearing your tie. How do you get yourself into These situations? God is punking you.
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Man, I was seriously scared of running into him again for a while after that. But now that it’s been seven years, I dare say that I’d hug him if we met again. Especially if he was wearing the tie!
To be fair, I only share the most embarrassing moments of my life. But yes… It appears that I may have a few more than others.
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7yrs! You’re fine then; his 7yr itch is over by now. He definitely looks back on that night with a smile, and a double knot.
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Ha. Indeed.
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There is no escaping Karma… it will come back to tie you in knots… quite literally in this case, if the driver ever gets hold of you 😉
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Cute Christina. Very cute…
Note – I meant your comment. Though I’m sure that you too are very easy on the eye.
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You amuse me, Mr Smith.
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Well done Funny!
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Now I wasn’t sure if you were saying ‘well done’ and then going on to say that you found the story funny. Or if you think that my name is actually Funny?
Either way, I’m glad you enjoyed it and as always, really appreciate you stopping by and commenting.
Yours,
Funny
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The story was well done, and it was funny. I want to be sure that is clear. Did you get your tie back yet?
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Ah ok, thank you. And no. I suspect that it’s gone forever…
I did actually contact Lewins about it – even providing my own rendition of what the tie looked like – but they confirmed what I already knew… they no longer stock that particular item.
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This is hilarious!! I’ve definitely been on the last train to the city from the suburbs after one of these night’s with oldtimer coworkers, and missed the train once and was unable to get to the city via taxi & opted for a hotel room…dreadful experience, really.
My condolences on your tie, but kudos to your coworker’s prank on you…that was brilliant!
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I’m pleased you liked it. Yeah I think the missing / falling asleep on the train has happened to many of us.
But I’d be surprised if there were many others out there who experienced the rest of this… Pauly’s definitely a legend.
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I have a friend that fell asleep on a subway somewhere in the city and woke up in Coney Island somewhere with his ginger ale missing and a huge red mark across his forehead…for us that live in cities with trains, this is always a great story…I love seeing the one’s passed out and wondering where their stop is.
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Karma baby! Too funny. When we go to the evening shows in London, we race to the train. Saffron Walden is a long way out!
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She’s definitely a bitch, isn’t she? I mean, ending up in Dorking is one thing. But to then get punked by Pauly wasn’t necessary… Thank god I didn’t end up as far out as Saffron Walden though!
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You are a mess! I like it.
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Ha. I’m here to entertain Steph. Glad you’re continuing to be amused.
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Someone had to wake you up in Dorking hahaha – I love it! I haven’t ever skipped out on a cab fare. I have no ties to offer as collateral. It’s good to know the old-timer still has some fight in him. Old people bingo is cut-throat.
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I know. Even though I’ve tried to make light of the situation I did feel very bad about skipping out on the fare. Though in my defence, Drives has now got a collector’s edition tie!
Oh yeah, Pauly’s a serious cat and I’m not ashamed to say that he got again about two years later… Old people’s bingo? I don’t think I’d make it out alive Molly.
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um… I am here because Trent Lewin says you are funny, and he is my Head Minion, so I support him to a point… and a few girls who are helping me with an attempt to break the record for ‘most comments on a single post’ seem to be completely in love with you, so I thought I would see what all the fuss and bother is about. And I admit that this post is awesome… so I will probably be back… after I finish typing a few thousand more replies… sigh
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Ha. Welcome Art, it’s great to see you on these shores. Funnily enough, Trent sent me to you. If you recall, I was the one who commented about WordPress baking you a cake? I also enjoyed your ‘innerview’ with the X immensely.
Trent is a good man and very funny, like yourself. I saw the exchange between you guys just now and do agree that he is also funnier than me.
But for me, the best part of your comment has to be the ‘few girls who are seemingly in love with me’… As a single guy with absolutely no prospects on the horizon this is very encouraging news indeed.
I appreciate you stopping by man. I shall drop by on the comments post again later today.
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yay… I hope someone reminds me to visit you after this comment thing is over… I forget stuff now… and what is the story about winning a date with you? They keep talking about it. Are you have a contest?
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Oh man, no… A few months ago when hardly anyone was reading my stuff, I changed the prompt on the comment box to “comment and you could win a date with me”.
And over time a few people started to mention it; most notably the lovely Julie. Evidently, she really wants to win. Though I don’t know why as I don’t even have enough money to pay for myself let alone the date!
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Well, she and Trent are still battling it out… even on my blog… so you must have made quite an impression since then.
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Dude, your stories are so good it’s hard to fathom ’em. Just priceless stuff – you kind of got what you deserved though. Poor cabbie ends up with a tie – got free and with a Lewin attachment no less! Also, just for irony’s sake, I actually live in Waterloo – but in Ontario, Canada.
Great story, man.
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Do you know, when I first came across your blog, I couldn’t help but notice the name. I forget now if I mentioned it in the story but the full name of that tailor is T M Lewin. If your middle name is Michael or something else beginning with an m then I think you should double check your family tree as you may be heir to their clothing empire!
A Waterloo connection as well..? I’m definitely grabbing a beer with you next time I’m in that part of the world. I have like, 250 relatives in Toronto.
Oh man, I completely got what I deserved. No doubt. There was no winner in that situation except for Big Fat Pauly; that fat, yet lovable bastard.
Thanks though man, I’m glad you (and many others) like this one as it’s possibly my favourite of them all.
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And I see Art showed up! That’s excellent. Was kidding about being funnier than you, by the way, but I had find a way to get him over here, cause you guys are both quality.
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Ha. No man, you’ve definitely got the drop on me. I was actually telling Samara that just the other day. But I appreciate you sending him over here and likewise the other way round.
I still don’t know how you two are coping with that comment thread…
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Sometimes (while a pain in the ass) is nice to be reminded that Karma’s a bitch. Particularly after someone messes with you and instead of unleashing your rage on them, you wait for the universe to handle it. She never disappoints…and usually does a better job than you could have anyway.
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Yes this is true. And although Drives must’ve been pissed at me that night, he can at least take some comfort that I more than got my comeuppance in the end…
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True. But hey, you got a great story out if it! I laughed my ass off. Way to turn Lemons into lemonade…
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Just as funny as when I first read it. I did, right? Or is middle age menopause brain being funny????
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Ha. I love you Shelley! Yes, you have read it before. In fact, your comment about having to get to Saffron Walden is only about four or five above this one.
I’m in a bit of a blogging funk so have resorted to simply re-dating some of my older stories… It’s very cheeky I know but at least it gives some of the newer readers a chance to sample the older stuff. As we all know that no one actually goes back to read any posts from the past.
The fact that you’ve enjoyed it as much as the first time makes me very happy though. Thank you.
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I think you should also refer to your underwear and trousers as “she.” As in, “She’s really got a firm grip on my boys down there.” Or, “She’s ever so gently holding my package.”
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Ah now that could be very misleading Weebs. People might think that I’m actually talking about a woman with lines like that. Unless of course that’s what you were going for..? You evil genius, you.
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Of course that’s what I was going for. Surely you’re familiar with my work by now.
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My bad Weebs. Not being a massive, horny douche yourself it’s often easy to forget that you are still well versed in our ways…
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And what makes you think I’m NOT one? Hmmph.
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Ha. Well you’ve got class for one thing. But okay, maybe I misjudged you. My apologies, you massive, horny douche!
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Apology accepted. The trick is to create the *illusion* of class and/or respectability. Poor Mr. Weebs.
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Ahh haha another classic story. I don’t know if it’s the late hour or what but you totally had me– I thought he’d somehow tracked you down. That’s what would have happened if this were my life, of course.
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I disagree Aussa. If this was your story then you’d be the cabbie trying to track me down! And given your Liam Nesson-esque detective skills, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that you’d find me.
Definitely one of my favourite stories. And although Pauly had retired before I left, they actually told this at my leaving speech. Ha.
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oh drunken nights in London – how I miss them!
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Well you seem to be having a lot of fun where you are currently…
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haha Yeah, I am, indeed!
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Haha falling asleep on a train is my worst fear! Well, after death and all the usual stuff. It sounds like it was a nice tie, too. I’ll keep an eye out for it!
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It was a nice tie Jess (sorry, I know we’ve never ‘met’ but after having perused your blog, you strike me as a Jess kind of girl). But alas, it’s been over 7 years since that fateful night so I suspect she’s been stripped down and sold for parts by now…
I appreciate your kind offer though.
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Well you’re right, I am a Jess kind of girl! Seven years ago… well I’ll look out for a frayed, possibly stained, almost vintage-looking tie worn by a man who has the expression of someone who’s been a taxi driver for a very long time.
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That would be great, thank you.
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Tut tut tut Mr S! If you’d got one of the Drivers who used to work with me, he’d probably have come into the station and throttled you with the tie. Perhaps it was foresight you bought one in red lol And the title of this tale, My tietastic travels by taxi lol
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I’d imagine that if he was the sort of driver to chase after me, he’d also be the sort of driver that would’ve stopped at a cash machine en route… But you’re right, I was lucky to avoid an arse kicking for sure.
Glad you weren’t disappointed with the story… Defrauding an innocent cab driver aside of course.
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Your adventures are hilarious as usual. I actually drove for yellow cab one summer back in 1972. I wanted to stay in Green Bay and party all summer with my friends after graduation. I was the first female driver and set the women’s movement back about 10 years.
And if you stiffed me, I would have hunted you down like a dog.
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Ha. I’ve no doubt you would’ve. But I also don’t think you’d have let me out in the first place!
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You know how you start reading a new blog, and you’re just skimming because ultimately there will be an “alot” or some trite drivel, or maybe you have to pee a bit and there are 13.5 other things you should be doing? This was nothing like that. You are adorably funny. This story is written perfectly. Perfectly. Perfectly.
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Usually it’s the pee thing for me though I totally know what you mean. And thank you so much. This was honestly one of the nicest comments I’ve ever received…
Thank goodness you didn’t start with one of the other stories!
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Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we practice to deceive…
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Ha. How very eloquently put.
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Wow, I really, REALLY like Pauly.
Next headline on the Huffington Post online:
Corporate Nobody Found Strangled With Own Tie in Back of Unmarked Cab, Cab Driver Claims “My Gun Misfired”
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Sounds about right… And yes, I’m a big fan of his work too.
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You are an awesome story-teller! You had my rapt attention. Great stuff.
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Thanks a lot. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
And thanks for following and having a look at some of the other stories too; I really appreciate that.
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Reblogged this on Choose Taylor Benefits Insurance Agency.
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