How to get more Followers in 5 Easy steps
Another guide from some arsehole, whose opinion you never asked for
Congratulations, you’ve started a blog. And although you’re churning out some fantastic material, no one seems to give a shit… Well, all that is about to change with my proven tips for building up a healthy and meaningful WordPress following.
But Sean, what makes you an expert on the subject?
Well for starters I’ve published 21 posts – that I didn’t re-read, realise were complete crap and subsequently delete – in 10 months so I think I know a thing or two about blogging. But more importantly, this is my blog so I can write about whatever the hell I like. Two great points. Carry on.
…
1 – FORGET everything else you’ve read about what makes a successful blogger i.e. engaging with readers, writing regular, snappy posts, preferably as a numbered list or How To guide with at least one cat meme. That only works for Buzzfeed.
Or for bloggers who have written at least 21 posts.
2 – Hit the ‘like’ button on EVERY post, regardless of the content.
Remember, you don’t actually HAVE to like it (if you’re really smart, you won’t even read it). You just want the blogger who wrote it to THINK you do.
46%* of the time, they’ll then head over to your site, read your brilliant content and click FOLLOW. And with over 1 million* new WordPress blogs being created every day, that’s a lot of new followers.
* Data Source: my arse
But Sean, where will I find the time? I have a real life outside of my blog.
To be honest, I don’t know but somehow Valeriu manages to do it. And he has 7 fucking blogs of his own to maintain so quit complaining.
He ‘liked’ one of my very first posts and although I haven’t seen him since, I now follow all 7 of his blogs (along with 20,033 other WordPress bloggers). Even though I hate poetry and can’t understand Romanian or Italian!
3 – Follow EVERYONE, regardless of the content.
I’m currently following 35,463 bl… No. Wait. Valeriu’s just added an 8th blog; make that 35,464 blogs.
Why? Because as Phil Collins said so astutely (and beautifully) back in ’78 on Genesis’ club banger, Follow You Follow Me:
FOLLOW ME
AND I’LL FOLLOW YOU
Again, it totally works. And it probably won’t surprise you to hear that the ‘new follower’ conversion rate is much higher than 46% (see formula below). As once someone sees thinks that you’ve made a commitment to regularly read what they have to say, they’ll be much more inclined to reciprocate. I mean, just look at these awesome blogs that I now follow as they ‘followed me’:
Easy Finance 4 All: pretty handy too given my terrible credit rating and current employment status.
Divine Energy Today: unfortunately this site no longer exists but I bet it used to be great.
Josh McEwan: another Project A.W.O.L. (A Way of Life) jerk online marketer, unselfishly willing to share his secrets about how he makes a tonne of money online whilst scratching his balls all day. Honestly, they’re such considerate guys.
B Tech Distance Education: perfect timing too as there’s been an upsurge in UK employers looking for guys with online Indian qualifications.
Without using Google, does anyone know what this actually shows?
Congratulations. You’re still a virgin.
4 – Don’t leave COMMENTS on other blogs. Not only does it interfere with your ‘liking’, ‘following’ and most importantly, ‘coming up with new material’ time, but if you did the previous steps correctly, these bloggers should already be following you.
If you really must say something, I find a generic, “Wow, great post” should be perfectly adequate. As it works for every occasion; even the bad ones:
New blogger: “My goldfish died. I’m so sad…”
You: “Wow, great post.”
New blogger: This guy clearly admires my bravery, being able to blog about such a sensitive subject at a time like this. What a nice guy, I’d better follow his blog.
And ALWAYS remember to leave a link back to your own site. Because that’s not annoying at all.
5 – TAG your posts correctly.
There’s a reason I consistently get over 10 views (and subsequently, followers) EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And it’s because I tag my posts with popular search terms like Kim Kardashian, dancing cats, Justin Bieber, How to write awesome blog posts, etc.
But Sean, you’ve never written about any of that stuff and WordPress rules specifically state that tags should be relevant.
This is true. But you can get round this with simple subliminal advertising e.g.
This just in; if you believe any of this, you’re a total berk.
A seemingly innocuous statement at first glance but read it again and you’ll see that I am indeed adhering to WordPress rules:
This JUST IN; if you BelIEve any of this, you’re a total BERk.
I THANK YOU
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen; the REAL keys to blogging success. Join me next week when I’ll be lifting the lid off Twitter. And with just over 200 followers and a similar amount of tweets, once again, I’m sure you’ll agree that I know what I’m talking about.
Closing thoughts
Hopefully you can all see that the number of followers you have is a totally arbitrary and fucking meaningless figure (it took me quite a while to figure this out). And I would gladly trade the 1,590 figure you see for the 100 or so of you who actually read what I write. It’s because of you guys that I’m still here.
And Valeriu; I hope there are no hard feelings. In truth, I could’ve picked a dozen others but I… Actually, why am I even writing this? As if you’re ever going to read it…
Shout out to Trent Lewin for the inspiration on this one.
…
If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.
Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.
396 comments on “How to get more Followers in 5 Easy steps”
Comment and you could win a date with me
Not only am Iliking this, but please nnote my careful use of “awesome post dude”. This post was read in its entirety and quite frankly is a poetic masterpiece. I thank you for writing it in English and not Romanian. Thanks for sharing all your fantastic tips Trent! Ps, should I be upset Valeriu isn’t following me?
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Poetic masterpiece? Fuck this chat about getting Freshly Pressed. That comment has given me a word boner, thank you kindly.
Yes, Trent’s good people for sure man. And I wouldn’t worry too much about the Valeriu thing either. He stopped following me after this post.
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Sean, it was nothing short of magnificent & my apologies for the mix up, I got here via the reblog & got seriously confused (not uncommon). I’m seeing I’ll clearly have to start a whole new blog & do it properly this time!
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Oops! I may have just read your post…. *Jots down some tips*. Now, I know what you ‘really’ think of my ‘piece of shit’ blog…I’ll be crying into my pillow tonight 😦 …nah! Not really. You got to do what you go to do – and I respect that! Great post!
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You forgot to add the “Wow” beforehand Amanda. Now I know you didn’t actually read the post!
And you’re right. You now know what I REALLY think. As I actually leave proper comments on your ‘piece of shit’ blog.
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WOW, great post! I read it, and I have taken notes… I would just feel a bit mean commenting ‘Wow, thats great’ on every post! Like you said, you don’t want to upset the guy who is still moarning the death of his goldfish!
on a serious note…I know you read some of my posts, and I appreciate that 🙂
Do you forgive me?
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I was never mad in the first place my dear.
Good point, I probably should have thrown in an alternative comment as well. How about: “You write so well”?
And as for your blog, I mean of course; I initially turned up because of your gravatar image but I stayed for everything else.
Those pictures of you at the top of each page are actually a bit of a distraction…
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Phew! I thought you were about to ‘un-follow’ me!
Definitely throw in an alternative comment…the old ‘Your writing brings happiness to my heart’ – is a good one!
Well, I’m glad you’re sticking around. I LOVE your blog, and I think you’re great!
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Wow, great comments!
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You’s a smart one that’s for sure. Tell me, did Valeriu put you up to that?
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You may have invented a new level of sarcasm… like sarcorgasm… or something
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Now THAT is some funny shit right there Art. Definitely made me smile man.
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well… you started it…
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I see you are here too, honourably advertising your shameless insanities, LMAO. Warm greetings.
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It is what I do… in many places…
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O brother!
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where for art thou?
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Up in LMAO’s room spinning things up in his head.
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good answer
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Now let’s not get messy. This is Smiths’ bar and he runs this show.
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Gentlemen, the bar’s always open as far as Im concerned.
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And he shows.
All bow, please.
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I now follow you.
Pardon, but I am slow to follow. Hence my having barely up to 300 blogs I follow. I am picky, I think.
So, congrats you made it.
(Behold me speaking like a celebrity who really has a choice!)
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The rest of my stuff is nothing like this though man. In fact, it’s largely ridiculed. So I understand if you quickly unfollow…
Thank you though.
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Hahahaha… Speaking like some other good writers I know.
Like I told Trent, I am taking a liking to the writer over the piece. YOU I may at least follow even if not your writings. .. I may at least enjoy your wits in the comments sections.
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I can’t argue with that reasoning man. Thanks a lot.
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Warmly welcome.
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good point
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How come you keep making up words? Also, you break every single one of Sean’s Laws. Every. Single. One.
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I am a free range rebel. I endure despite all logic.
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Logic is overrated.
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But have you really given it a try?
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Greetings from camp Trent.
Yeah, I think a number of us have done posts on blog followership. Mine was a bit different in expression though.
ifeelshadows.com/2013/07/15/the-writers-pity-party/
I however liked some witty slots in here. And you ended fittingly by saying it’d all come down to those few who actually follow YOU.
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Trent definitely has some great readers who ACTUALLY follow him. Just checked out your piece and can honestly say that yours was a much smarter way of expressing the situation.
Thanks for stopping by brother.
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Yeah, he is blessed with that.
I am afraid I can’t say it was much smarter. Insanity and art are brothers and each owns a huge mansion with many rooms for inmates, no single room necessarily finer than the next…. just different.
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See. There you go doing it again.
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What’d’I do?
Being too honest?
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They are some great great folks, like my friend the Doc here.
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Doc! You’ve arrived!
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In your car, it seems.
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Since the “wow, great post” is already taken, I suppose I’ll have to muster up a less genetic comment like “this post rocks my socks, man” or “This really made me smile and the use of a Conan gif never hurt anyone’s cause (don’t quote me on that). Your genuine style is some cool beans.”
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Thanks a lot man, I really appreciate that. Yeah sorry, the “wow, great posts” were selling like hot cakes…
Now I’m very new to the Conan gifs but they are fantastic, aren’t they. So much so that I actually used the same one twice in my previous piece.
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Wow. Best post ever. 😉 Valeiru follows me. We have a mutual non-speaking blogger relationship.
I’m still waiting on my arbitrary hoard of followers, though.
Thanks for the laughs.
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Well. Now you know how to get them Michelle. Go forth and conquer these useless ‘people’.
Glad you enjoyed this.
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Wow, great post. Wait… I feel like that’s been said. Hell it’s still a great post. I’ll be following you too, so that’s got to count for something right? Maybe if I just go back and like all your posts… No, oh well at least I tried.
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There’s only 21 of them. It shouldn’t take too long. Remember, you don’t even have to read them.
Thanks for the comment though man, I appreciate it. I just headed over to your space on the blogosphere and I’m guessing it was Trent that brought you here?
I read a comment on another blog like, ‘the good guys seem to know the other good guys…’ Very true.
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Yeah I think it was Trent who shared your post. I’m glad he did. You seem to have some good stuff here, even in only 21 posts – imagine that. Thank you again for visiting my blog space. I don’t get enough that, so it goes.
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I must confess that I was at a loss as to why Trent would re-blog this, until I read; ‘As once someone sees (this is then crossed out in order to show us what you really think) thinks that you’ve made a commitment to regularly read what they have to say, they’ll be much more inclined to reciprocate.’ That’s some funny shit, man, congratulations on a great post.
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And I must confess, I wasn’t sure where you were headed when I read the first few words of this comment. But I’m pleased I carried on reading.
Thanks a lot man. Glad you enjoyed it. Or at least, just that part.
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I am pleased also; I wouldn’t want a complete stranger to think ill of me; I have so much more practice appeasing friends and family.
I enjoyed it all; and I believe the equation shows us there’s actually quite a lot that’s greater than 0.05.
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All I know is, erf stands for error function.
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Babbage, you also… while I love seeing you out and about, and being here on Sean’s blog is an absolute necessity (you guys are fellow countrymen by the way), when are we going to see a post from you?
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I’m fucking doing it for fuck’s sake! (excuse my language, Sean) You’ll like it when it gets here I promise; I have to find new ways to write, remember.
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Do it! We’re waiting, been waiting for like months!
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You wanna get yourself a life mate.
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Classic British response.
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They never learn though do they!
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I finished that bottle like ten minutes ago. Now what do I do?
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You get another bottle, and you tear the arse out of that one too!
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Thank you for liking my post. I look forward to reading your blog. Come check out my webcam party..xoxo
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I think you may have left the exact same comment on here some months ago..? Though there was no invite to the webcam party that time. Will there be booze?
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I’m one of those suckers who reads all of the online marketers posts just because they follow me. Now I know better. I follow less than 20 people. You are one of the lucky ones!! 🙂
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Less than 20!? You’re doing it wrong my dear. But then again, your following is way more than that. Maybe I’m doing it wrong..?
You should have written this post Shelley!
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Oh and thank you. You certainly balance out all the AWOL cocks.
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Glad I read on to the end…I always read every post and try to comment in such a way so that the writer can be aware that I actually read it. Up until jes recently I had no idea about my reader’s page in WP (duh) & so was only responding to those blogs that showed up in my e-mail (twenty or so) Now I’m gettin much better at responding to all those that I follow…and yes working ten hour days hard labor trying to write and read can sometimes can be a smidge overwhelming…but if I have to I’d almost rather skip posting and read what others post… so my own blogs have suffered a serious lack of activity as of late…n yea I hope I win that date!
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Well you’ve certainly convinced me that you read the whole piece. So if you didn’t, well done!
Oh man, I can’t handle subscribing via email. Can you imagine how many times my phone would buzz with over 30,000 blogs in the list!?
Ha. Well thanks but I’m afraid you missed out my dear. I announced the ‘winner’ yesterday. And she’d rather have a free eBook than go out with me… Charming.
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30,000 jumped up Jesus on a pogo stick!! I’d have to hire staff.
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You know I’m kidding though, right?
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Uhh…wish I could say “yes of course”..oh it is to laugh.
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Well great – now I know that all of your “likes” of my posts were completely shallow! 😉
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Not ALL of them.
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Awww geee thanks! Btw feel free to head over to my newest post at: cupidgoesfishing.wordpress.com and like it! 😉
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I kind of feel bad for liking this post as it took the total likes from 69 to 70. Sorry Smithson.
As for your post on how to do the twitters?? I can’t wait!!
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Oh man… Daile! It’s a good thing you’re hot… And as for Twitter, I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic now?
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Another entertaining post that definitely more than put a smile on my face. Chuckling to myself at the screen, which is not a good look in front of other people, but what the heck.
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Glad to hear it my friend.
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Read Lola’s summary of the date earlier. Interesting, though, somewhat scarce on the dirty details, but, mofo is packin girth, we’ve learnt. The Smithsonian strikes again.
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Ha. I’m glad the dirty details were scarce my friend. And I paid her to say that girth line.
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I simply love your post 🙂 It was hilarious:P….definitely gonna follow every bit of your advice:)
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Then I think you need to read it all again my dear, as you weren’t supposed to leave a proper comment…
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i was thinking you would say that:P guess i got too emotionally happy 🙂
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That’s OK. It’s your first time here. It happens.
Thanks for leaving a comment by the way. I really appreciate it.
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Ah well your’e welcome:)
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Have you tried nudity? Sometimes it works. 🙂
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That’s certainly how you got me E! And in all seriousness, I’m going to post some semi-nudes later today.
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That will have me coming back for sure ….
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Actually, WordPress makes it much easier to just “like” posts without reading them, than to “like” posts after reading them: if you read blogs from a reader, it takes a click to “like” and move on to the next post, versus 2 clicks to read and “like” (not counting the reader). It’s a miracle people still read each other.
P.S. Don’t worry about Valeriu unfollowing you. He’ll be back once he runs out of all other blogs to follow.
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Oh man, so you know about that ‘reader liking’ trick? Shit.
That’s what I do with all your posts essentially. Bollocks… I’m going to have to start reading them properly.
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Oh, you don’t read the posts? Then you HAVE TO teach me that trick how to leave a comment that sounds like you actually read them!
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Great post! 🙂 I’m about to have a cull I think – every time I open my reader there are 270 new posts from bloggers I follow who never visit my blog, or if they do, never comment – I HATE that! For me, it’s all about the interaction. So Sean, next time you click like and don’t comment, I’m coming for you. Even if that means going all the way to Australia – what a hardship that would be… 😉
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Is one of those bloggers Valeriu by any chance..?
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I think he ‘liked’ me but when I visited his I couldn’t understand anything so didn’t return the favour!
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HAHAHAHA
add a new one: be hilarious and people like Sara will follow you to the ends of the earth for a good laugh.
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Lovely to have you on board Sara. And thanks, I’m glad it tickled you.
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If you’ve spent more than a few minutes on the internet, you know that two things equal instant blog popularity: titties and kitties. Write about vaginas and flaccid manbits and whenever possible include pics. And lastly, rub blog elbows with Sean. He gets into all the cool parties and has the best meth dealer.
Sean I have an email I started to youse. I am so sorry I fell behind Snooks. I very much appreciate your heartfelt words of encouragement. You are an amazing gent. I don’t care what the internet says about you. 😉
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You’re certainly right about the titties and kitties but I’m not so sure rubbing elbows with me will do anything for you Snarks.
To be honest, I’d forgotten I’d sent it, it’s been so long. Zing! But it was my pleasure. And you’re right, the internet isn’t always correct. Though I guess it depends what it’s saying about me…
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I love all them fuckers who start asking for money to write their shitey shit self pity for a bit longer. Oh and the lads from Indonesia who want to sell me a handbag.
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I’ve bought three of those bags already. They’re pretty good mate.
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We are in a very select gullible club Sean
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This post was a piece of shit and I insist that you unfollow me immediately. I cannot be associated with people of your caliber and will now proceed to unlike all of your posts. Thereafter, I shall hack into your website and force-delete every comment I’ve ever left on your posts. (And also some comments by that particular guy who always says that thing. You know who you are, asshole!)
Also:
Wow, great post!
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If I stop following you will you stop following me though? Remember, all I care about are the numbers…
PS – Who’s the guy that always says that thing? Valeriu never leaves any comments? Well not here anyway.
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I was talking out of my ass (as I tend do). But there’s always that guy who says those things and does the stuff. He knows who he is. He knows!
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Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Breaking the rules by posting since you should already be following me, but this is hilarious. I’m 3 months into blogging and I can’t tell you how many of the articles I’ve read that you just completely satirized. I could not stop laughing at any one point. My goldfish just died. Wow, great post.
Thank you for a great laugh!
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Thanks a lot man. I normally leave satire to the professionals but I just had to get this off my chest. Really pleased you enjoyed it. But next time remember not to bother with the comment!
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Wow, great post!
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I’ve lost count how many people have used that line now. Talk about a backfire…
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Bravo, good sir. This is hilarious and perfect and actually very informative. But wait– are you saying that my latest follower “Handbags4USoPretty” isn’t really reading and loving all my posts?????
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Oh no, Handbags4U are totally legit. It’s Valeriu and everyone else that you need to be aware of!
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Taking advice from Phil Collins,,, of course. Why didn’t I think of that? 😉
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Why wouldn’t you listen to Phil?
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Ah, you beat me to it. I was going to post a story titled “How you can tell that the person who just Liked your post didn’t read a word of it.”
I recently posted a reminder to people who had backed a project of mine on Kickstarter — just, you, a message to a specific group of people to check their email. But wouldn’t you know it — I got about a half-dozen likes from people I didn’t even recognize, and who certainly didn’t back the Kickstarter.
If I wasn’t so worried about coming across as a complete bitch, I’d follow them to their blog and comment on one of their posts, starting a conversation with them by asking them exactly what they liked so much about “Check Your Email, Darlings”.
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You absolutely should call them out. I did so a few months back and the blogger completely avoided my question but man did it feel good.
Hope the KS campaign was a success. Having very recently gone through the process of getting a book out, I don’t envy you.
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It was thanks for the best wishes. May I follow you now? It’s a strictly no obligation follow, darling.
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Ha. More than welcome to, thanks. But as I said to Angelle below, I totally understand if you quickly unfollow. The stuff on here is certainly an acquired taste…
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High fucking five dude. I am always in favor of cat memes to get a point across. I am now following. You’re welcome 😉
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Why write actual words when there are cat memes? So, so many cat memes…
Thanks. Though I wouldn’t be so quick to follow as the rest of the stuff on here is pretty crap. And your time would be better served clicking ‘like’ randomly than reading any of it.
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Cat memes and GIFs could solve the world’s problems honestly. If Obama and Putin woke up together on a bright Sunday morning and just showed each other cat GIFS, I think it would take their relationship to the next level.
Of course I won’t just click like randomly. I’m not an animal, sir.
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Loved this! The sarcasm is sadly spot on. The number of followers IS meaningless when a good deal of them come with names like ‘Better Colon Health’,’Contact Lens Care’ and ‘Travel Korea’…
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Three of my most loyal readers right there Carrie!
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I’d love to leave as clever a comment as this post was but unfortunately, I can’t think of anything to do it justice. Well okay, maybe “awesome” comes close. “Wow” of course goes without saying. I’ve got a case of exclamation marks on back order in case you were wondering why I didn’t put three after that “wow”. Suffice it to say this was delightful,,,,,,, (pretend those commas are exclamation marks).
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The comment you left is more than adequate Linda. Really appreciate you stopping by.
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Sean you read my early (now hidden) posts and encouraged me so it’s is all your f’ing fault that I still flog….err….blog 🙂 No sarcasm here at all.
I’m admittedly lazy but A.D.D. also causes me to forget to load the reader up and then I remember how much I like certain bloggers and then go read 2-3 posts and forget to like and or comment. I still laugh silently thinking about you confronting Morpheus with the stolen lamp. PURE GOLD.
What was the point of this post?…oh yeah I remember now…
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There’s actually a blogger from the US that’s going to be in London in May and when he suggested Whisky Mist as a potential meeting place, I had to direct him to that post. Surely Morpheus can’t hold any grudges after two years..?
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The real question then becomes the red pill or the blue pill…?
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At first, I was quickly writing all of these notes down…. Then I realized I didnt have time to even write them down… Just so you know, I look forward to your words, even when I don’t have time;)
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Here’s me trying to be all sarcastic and shit and then you go and say that…
Thank you though Tia. I think that’s the sweetest comment anyone’s ever left.
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Haha! Well, at least that gives me a chance to win something on your page…. Right!? 😉
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Alas no Tia… TYTG won the date I’m afraid. Though she has asked if she could just have a free copy of the book instead! Charming.
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Other than great sarcasm, my mind is too fried to say anything else.
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I’m more than happy with the ‘great sarcasm’ line.
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so, do I follow you? do I click the “like” thingie everywhere I see it? What do I need to do Sean? Just lemme know. Apparently me just regular old liking you isn’t working. I just regular old like Trent too..
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Oh no, you’re fine Julie. Don’t change a thing.
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I `like’ often, but trust me I read your posts. I’m not good at coming up with engaging comments. I don’t randomly follow all blogs I think it will become overwhelming and one cannot follow thousands of blogs.
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Oh for sure, I know you do. And I really appreciate it. This piece was certainly not aimed at you. Or at anyone really. You know, except for Valeriu of course…
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So… What you’re saying is that I should just tag everything with ‘TITS!!!’?
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Precisely. And Justin Bieber.
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Done, and done.
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You know what I love about you, Sean? You “like” every single one of my posts- even when no one else does, you taught me how to wordpress, you follow my blog and you even e-mail sweet “I hope you’re ok.” notes when I’m gone for too long. xoxoxo
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Shhh… don’t tell people what I’m really like dude!
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Oh, and I’m going to stat tagging each post with “Sean Smithson”. Just an experiment.
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Ha. Let me know how that works out for you.
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